Why do I have to sleep train my baby?!

[Squirrel81]

My DS is 11 months old. He has ALWAYS been a terrible sleeper but me and my husband work very well as a team so although it’s not been easy we have managed. He also rarely is able to sleep in his cot for his naps in the day so I have to contact nap a lot which is challenging.

My priority, of course, has always been DS and I’ve done pretty extensive research on sleep training and concluded for my family it’s not suitable - I prefer to be responsive to my baby, and the research suggests that the impact on baby of leaving to cry is inconclusive - but I have decided for myself that there IS sufficient evidence it raises their cortisol and can impact brain development. I do not personally want to risk this, even more so because I have a sensitive baby (which people also eye roll at, as if I don’t know my own child). I do however have friends that have sleep trained and I respect their decision - and also understand not everyone has a set up as manageable as my own in terms of disruptive nights.

So my question is - why does everyone feel the need to tell me I HAVE to sleep train. I must do it or my DS’s sleep will be doomed for eternity. I feel incredibly judged for not sleep training, as if I am weak because I can’t allow my baby to cry & not responded to. As if I am not doing the best by him because if I did sleep train his sleep would be better quality.

I am so tired (no pun intended) of the criticism and it is making me doubt myself.

I was always absolutely sure that I wouldn’t be sleep training so I didn’t give a monkeys what anyone around me said. Mine woke up every 2 hours without fail, all night every night, until turning 2. And then, just like @Mumof2under4 started sleeping through and that was it. Sleep training is not essential if you don’t want to do it.

I think that the best way to avoid this issue is to avoid conversations about sleep.

I am on baby number three. I won’t sleep train, as I haven’t with the others. We co-sleep and it works well for us. Other families may find that doing things totally differently works best for them, which is great.

Close family and friends know that I’m happy to be woken up, and therefore not looking for any sleep solutions. I have learnt to just say sleep is “alright” if anyone asks at a random baby class.

Sleep trained babies still wake up in the night, they just don't cry because they know that no one will come to comfort them.
The sleepless nights don't last forever.

Nope, said none of that, just responding to your high horse essay about everybody else's poor understanding of statistics and research. And your assertion that good sleepers are only ever born and not made. Clearly touched a nerve though, right.

So, me my partner, I’m a fella by the way, we have 1 kid, who is 22now. When she a baby, we heard all the same things like, you need to let them cry their themselves to sleep. Thing is, as a parent you are genetically programmed to react to your child crying as it means they need your attention. Very quickly we d ecided that we couldn’t leave her crying and took her in to our bed. She slept with us until she was 6, at which point she no longer wanted to sleep in our bed.

Honestly not trying to be a dick here so hope this isn’t taken in the wrong way. But when you say you didn’t teach your child to walk, what do you mean? I didn’t just watch and wait for my kids to start walking, I showed them how to do it and would def count it as teaching them. This isn’t related to the sleeping thing, whether you can teach your child to sleep is another discussion but I believe we teach our children to walk. But honestly want to hear if some people just do nothing and their kids work it out on their own.

Gorillas also give birth at around 10 years of age. We are not gorillas.
We call first teeth ‘milk’ teeth because they appear when a baby is still getting its food from milk. Not because we should breastfeed until they fall out 😂

You ask, 'why am I being judged?' As a mother you will ALWAYS be judged for something or another, so you need to develop a thick skin and a good degree of self-confidence in your own parenting decisions. Otherwise, you will be miserable in the years to come when faced with questions of diet, play, screen time, sleepovers, schooling, clothing etc, etc. You must do what you think best for your own child and be happy with that choice.

Oh that made me sad!! 😢

I always went to mine.

Sleep training didn’t work for mine😬

Maybe they hear you complain about how tired you are?

I don't say that judgily- my second was a terrible sleeper, and I felt broken at points, but I also refused to sleep train - it was inevitable that I would complain of being tired! But people would suggest sleep training.

love your post OP. I had a very sensitive DC1 (still is aged 5) and they needed me so much. I could feel it (dc2 and 3 are different).
I refused to sleep train and they got great at sleeping between 18/24 months.

As long as you are not neglecting, physically abusing or emotionally abusing your child do what's best for you.

My first slept from 8 - 3 at five weeks and was sleeping 7-7 by 12 weeks and having 2 good naps in the day.

My second did not sleep through at all until she was 3 and not reliably until she was 3 and a half.

We tried literally everything, and yes, we did it consistently. We managed to get her off to sleep, but she would still wake up in the night.

It got to the point that we actually got more sleep if we just gave her a quick five minute feed (BF until she was 2) or a cuddle.

Sleep training works for some kids and parents, and not for others. At least some of the people who are telling you that you must sleep train may very well get a shock with future children.

Great! Be happy with your choice then. Other sources of scientifically backed information are also available, often with less provocative titles or agendas....

Oh do shut up, this is false information, did you get that from the Romanian orphanages encyclopaedia? My sleep trained children cry in the night if they need anything ( water, cuddles, lost a toy) they are not neglected in any way. The only difference is they don’t need me to get them back to sleep, they can roll over happily and go off themselves. Bonus is, they sleep well and are getting restorative sleep (which, if you wake frequently in the night, you will not be getting enough of).

Yes! I do feel the ‘sensitive’ baby part of my original post has been overlooked here. But actually that is also a big part of what gets to me regarding discussions about my DS. I don’t think others understand or quite frankly believe when I tell them this - but instead assume I am being dramatic or over protective.

The sensitive thing is a real thing!! I could feel it as a first time mum, even though people thought it was clueless.
my first child is my orchid child. My second is a dandelion. Look it up. Orchids are often very clever but very sensitive. Dandelions are tough and thrive anywhere.
Love them all equally.
You shouldn’t sleep train any baby IMO but especially not a sensitive child. It won’t work and it makes them more clingy and doubtful.
Tell people to FO. Plus you are allowed to be tired.

have you joined Beyond Sleep Training group on Facebook, it saved my sanity. Lots of like minded mums

But sleep training isn't just leaving a baby to cry until it falls asleep. No wonder people are so against if if that's the story pushed

How rude to tell someone to shut up because they don’t agree with them. This poster wasn’t directly talking to you and just posting their own post. Yet you think it’s okay to quote them and slam them down. It does wonder why you find what they wrote so offensive and have taken it so personally…?!

Love this so much - I will look the group up. And I have read ‘The Orchid and the dandelion’!!

Depends upon what you mean by sleep training.

If you mean that they are shut in a room alone for ten hours every night, no matter how much they cry and are at most told from the doorway 'go to sleep', than that's obviously wrong.

However, if they mean that they're safely in a cot and, rather than instantly rushing at the slightest movement, you wait a few moments after the first whimpers to see if it's actual crying or you put them down before they're fully asleep so that the sensation of being laid down gently is part of the going to sleep cues, that isn't. Same way that if a child is still crying after everything you've done has failed to soothe, it's going through your skull like a screwdriver and you haven't had more than 20 minutes' sleep in four months (and your husband has thoughtfully informed you that his Mum says a proper mother's baby would never cry and not attending at the first fart means the baby will be best off taken to live with her), it's absolutely fine to put them down safely in the cot and walk away for five minutes to plan your divorce uninterrupted whilst they continue to cry, as you aren't doing them permanent physical or emotional damage by giving yourself a moment to compose yourself.

There's many, many ways to sleep train. ''Sleep training'' is an umbrella term and it rarely means walking away and leaving your baby to cry.

Even sleep training that involves some crying also involves a parent going in to comfort them.

and it doesn't explain the sleep trained babies who do cry in the night if they are teething, ill etc and are responded to because parents will know that is unusual for them so will go in to check on them.

No sleep training here.
Co-sleep as well.
2 dc ages 4 & 22m.
4 y/o just started going to bed to sleep on own, but I did spend the summer "training" that. It was a bit rough, but I think it was necessary. Now will tell me when ready to go to bed. 🤗 And arguments are rare when I say time for bed. Just gets into bed, gets a kiss and goes to sleep.
Baby sleeps in cot, then with me usually half-way through the night.
Works for us.
Do what works for your family.

MN is very pro sleep training. Sleep training is nothing new and I tried it many times with DS1. It was awful, DH and I both hated it, but we were not confident new parents and believed the experts knew better than us. Thank goodness we didn't have the entire internet telling us we were doing it wrong.
It never worked and we ended up with a system a bit like yours. We all got sleep, albeit not always in the right bed. We had DS2 two years later and just went with the flow.

Out of interest what did you do in the summer with your 4 year old?