My husband is always exhausted. Is this normal?

[Wrenbirdwren]

I could really use some advice on whether I am being unreasonable about the level of exhaustion my husband is at.
Family set up. Me; 42. Freelance work that doesn't bring in much, but means I can do all school runs, no after school clubs, cover school holidays, no need for holiday clubs etc, manage mental load etc. I cook for myself and kids, housework etc. 2 kids, 5 and 11.
DH: 44, full time £90k job, 2 days communting, the rest from home. No evening hobbies. He is vegan, so cooks for himself.
I get up with the kids at 7 on school days and do breakfast, lunches, spellings, reading etc and get them off to school while he gets ready for work. He starts at 9. He takes an hour for lunch where he often eats and has a nap fpr 20 minutes. He finishes at 5, when he cooks for himself then gets smallest one to bed on some evenings. He goes to bed at 10. The little one still gets up in the night so we end up ferrying him back to be about 3 times. We take turns at this.
He is yawning constantly, big black shadows under his eyes. No energy or motivation. Waves of anxiety which he is getting therapy for, but to no real effect. On a weekend, he will go through the motions with the family but you can tell he just wants to be left alone. We will both have naps.
He gets time off every school holiday as I take the children to visit relatives for 4 days to a week. He is refeshed after this but a week later is exhausted again.
I don't know the solution. I'm quite low on stamina myself and need an awful lot of sleep, and get migraines around once a month so he covers for me then. I also get breaks when with relatives and at home when the kids are at school. I feel very guilty that he is so worn down. But,if I went back to work he would have to do more of the mental load and wouldn't cope. I'd like him to consider 4 days a week, so he could at least sleep on a day so it doesn't affect the weekends, but he's against that.
I'm concered it's long covid, or his diet, but he insists his vegan diet is healthy (he does it right, lits of lentils etc for protein), but he also has lits of food intolerances and IBS.
I must admit I'm ranting, he's excellent in so many ways, I just hate seeing him so tired and crabby and it's meaning we don't do as much as a family.

@Wrenbirdwren does your DH always sleep in your room or does he sometimes go to a spare room for a 'better nights sleep'. The reason I ask this (and please don't be offended) is because I have two friends who experienced similar to what you're going through.
In both cases their DH was staying up late on the nights he was in a different room. One was talking drugs and watching porn, one was drinking and watching porn. Both were addicted to these online lives. Honestly for YEARS my friend had no idea why he slept in every morning, why he went back to bed for naps. She would never in a million years suspected it until she saw a bank statement and it all started to unravel.
I could be way off the mark but wanted to mention it as I think this is actually more common than people think.
A vegan diet alone is unlikely to be the issue. Vegan diets can be incredibly healthy if the person eats well. Bryan Johnson (the guy trying to reverse ageing) is incredibly healthy, is monitored daily for a whole range of health markers and his diet is totally plant based.

My husband 47 similar schedule regards work home etc he was so tired all the time couldn’t get through a day without a nap after blood tests he’s been diagnosed type 2 diabetic definitely encourage him to the doctors for tests could be many things causing exhaustion

I got to “he’s vegan” and read no further. He’ll be lacking essential nutrients and that’s why he’s always tired!!

For his IBS, whilst lentils are good, if he's eating lots of fruit and vegetables his diet may be too high in insoluble fibre, which can exacerbate a runny gut in IBS. He could try adding something like Psyllium husk which is a soluble fibre that slows down digestion

It sounds like he is stressed and perhaps a bit depressed? I also wonder whether working from home 3 days a week is good for him? Maybe encouraging him to nap and mope about.

My husband is like this when he is stressed. Tired. Snappy and wants to be left alone in front of the tv. I honestly think his working from home is partlybto blame. He isn't out there and can ruminate on his stressors.

Maybe he isn't enjoying the current set up but doesn't realise it ? His job is probably pretty full on if he's on 90k. I think you need to talk to him. I'd also facilitate some changes. Suggest he goes out with friends once a week or reduces his hours?

Was waiting for someone to come along and say something like this, all the answers have been far too sensible so far.

I don't understand quite a few things.

Why is he cooking for himself and only himself? Surely he can cook a vegan meal for everybody, or you can cook a vegan meal and then add in a bit of meat separately for the rest of you and the children. I mean this cooking for one for oneself is silly.

Sorry, is there a five-year-old, Who is getting up three times a night? Why?

He definitely needs to be checked out medically , go for some extra tests to eliminate IBS or coeliac or anything else.

Respectfully, what is the point of him? You can do everything yourself and afford to outsource the things you don’t want to do. I’d get rid before your boy grows up talking to women like this.

Clearly lived a very sheltered life if you think this isn't a sensible possibility.

@Wrenbirdwren has he had his iron including his ferritin checked? Low ferritin (below 30) could explain his symptoms. It's also fairly likely, despite his efforts with his diet, because his IBD symptoms will make it much harder for him to absorb iron from his diet. I'd suggest he gets it checked and if low organise an infusion privately as it will be very hard to get up with supplements.

I think this is often missed. im pretty sure its the reasons for my husbands constant exhaustion

I am mostly plant based.
i had my bloods tested via GP.
My results re vitamin B12 were reported to be “within recommended levels”.

B12 is harder to optain as a vegan anyway, and my husband is also vegan, he was reported to be under the recommended level, and as soon as he started the weekly B12 injections, his energy improved way much, and he stopped crying at stuff that normally wouldn’t have such a big effect on his emotions.

Personally, I’d get his bloods checked, but even if they come back as normal, I’d take a sublingual 1000mcg tablet daily.

im not a doctor, but someone offering an example of a real life experience.

Has his thyroid been checked? It could be underactive, worth ruling out, because that will reduce you to levels of fatigue you can't imagine. My other main thoughts are iron deficiency anaemia, easy enough to test for. A very high B12 actually means he's deficient! Also check his Vit D. A trip to the GP is definitely needed, and do let us know how he gets on!

Curious to see if any updates to this too. I'd look at iron, thyroid, and b12.

Thank you everyone who has replied. He got bloods done, and was low in iron, so he started to take an over the counter supplement and is definitely feeling better. He's had follow up bloods, and while his iron is now in the normal range, it's very much on the lower end, so he's going to up the supplements. I have noticed a difference in his energy levels. He's still tired after a day at work, but in the 'normal' way of just having been busy, rather than crushing exhaustion that would dominate the weekends. His colour is better and he's more cheerful. Just need to get on top of his asthma! Thanks again everyone.

Oh that's wonderful news OP! So glad it is something readily fixed!