My husband is always exhausted. Is this normal?

[Wrenbirdwren]

I could really use some advice on whether I am being unreasonable about the level of exhaustion my husband is at.
Family set up. Me; 42. Freelance work that doesn't bring in much, but means I can do all school runs, no after school clubs, cover school holidays, no need for holiday clubs etc, manage mental load etc. I cook for myself and kids, housework etc. 2 kids, 5 and 11.
DH: 44, full time £90k job, 2 days communting, the rest from home. No evening hobbies. He is vegan, so cooks for himself.
I get up with the kids at 7 on school days and do breakfast, lunches, spellings, reading etc and get them off to school while he gets ready for work. He starts at 9. He takes an hour for lunch where he often eats and has a nap fpr 20 minutes. He finishes at 5, when he cooks for himself then gets smallest one to bed on some evenings. He goes to bed at 10. The little one still gets up in the night so we end up ferrying him back to be about 3 times. We take turns at this.
He is yawning constantly, big black shadows under his eyes. No energy or motivation. Waves of anxiety which he is getting therapy for, but to no real effect. On a weekend, he will go through the motions with the family but you can tell he just wants to be left alone. We will both have naps.
He gets time off every school holiday as I take the children to visit relatives for 4 days to a week. He is refeshed after this but a week later is exhausted again.
I don't know the solution. I'm quite low on stamina myself and need an awful lot of sleep, and get migraines around once a month so he covers for me then. I also get breaks when with relatives and at home when the kids are at school. I feel very guilty that he is so worn down. But,if I went back to work he would have to do more of the mental load and wouldn't cope. I'd like him to consider 4 days a week, so he could at least sleep on a day so it doesn't affect the weekends, but he's against that.
I'm concered it's long covid, or his diet, but he insists his vegan diet is healthy (he does it right, lits of lentils etc for protein), but he also has lits of food intolerances and IBS.
I must admit I'm ranting, he's excellent in so many ways, I just hate seeing him so tired and crabby and it's meaning we don't do as much as a family.

It's absolutely his diet. But if he doesn't want to change it, I think it's more important he look at supplements. I'd be more worried about anemia/iron from what you've said that b12. Also a lot o fpeople who are working from home and low energy etc, are not getting enough vitamin D. It's hard enough in this country.

I would INSIST he gets an updated blood test to test all the obvious things that impact fatigue etc.

And as someone wo had a similar sleep issue, we went back to co sleeping. Because frankly, we all needed the sleep. it was more important than what was "right". We had years of him bsically sleeping in our bed and DH sleeping in his but he's a healthy, strapping 14 year old now who sleeps in his own bed and woldn't be caught dead in mine!

If he has IBS, is he gluten free? He may need to be for it to settle. Worth a try. Has to be completely gluten free though, not half-hearted. Other ideas, could very easily be an iron deficiency - he would need a full iron panel, also I think a full cell count to establish whether he has anaemia, plus a Vitamin D test.

The other thing worth testing is thyroid.

He needs to change something else he'll be living an exhausted shadow of a life!

To find scholarly publications on IBS and diet, check out Google Scholar.

I am a vegetarian who couldn’t sustain veganism, it was making me very burnt out like your DP, my hair really thinned out and I looked ill. It’s extremely difficult to get enough protein, iron, or calcium. Does he take B12 or any of those as a supplement? He needs to go to a doctor asap and get all of those tested. I bounced back once I started eating vegetarian foods that covered all those bases.

He needs blood tests. I’m vegetarian and don’t get enough/absorb B12 properly. I have jabs every 12 weeks. I can feel when they’re due as I feel wiped out and no amount of sleep helps.
He may also be low in iron.
My sister is also vegetarian and was low in folic acid. She was very ill for 3 weeks and was in bed for 2 weeks. She’s normally a very active person.

Could he be very high b12 because he is not absorbing it properly? Or is he blindly supplementing? Either way, I agree with those with those saying it’s the vegan diet, humans are not designed to thrive on this diet.

I don’t want to worry you, but I think that you should also ask the doctor for a bowel cancer test. Stomach problems and fatigue are two of the biggest symptoms. Tests are non invasive (you just poo in a jar) but it would be worth ruling it out I think.

If your 5 year old has no additional needs and is just getting up for comfort, get that sorted. Couples in their 40s generally don't need naps. Always nice though. Doctor of course. But little ones sleep issues need sorting

While asking for the blood screen, and assuming he does eat gluten, ask for a coeliac screen too. (You have to eat gluten for at least six weeks before the test for it to work, though.)

I knew even before I clicked open the post that he'd be vegan.

My partner was the same, vegan for 10 years, siblings the same. They've all given it up now for various health reasons and the difference is unsurprising but dramatic.

Only solution is to stop being so restrictive - doesn't have to be a lot but even occasional red meat, eggs, fish are extremely nutritious. Vitamin injections and tablets are for people with severe deficiencies, and it's not a sustainable or desirable way to live to have to eat non-foods just to survive.

If he has gut issues (that may be caused by his diet in the first place) and needs to restrict what he eats to cope with those, it makes even less sense to add optional restrictions on top of those. He has a family and a responsibility, it doesn't make sense to put his principles about animal welfare or whatever above the actual day-to-day welfare of his own family.

I was vegan for nearly 2 years and would have sworn blind to anyone listening I was getting enough iron, protein etc, I was exhausted and a blood test showed I was severely anaemic and several other levels I can't remember were way, way out of normal. I ended up with a blood transfusion and stern advice that while a vegan diet worked well for some my body was clearly not able to absorb enough nutrients either in the forms or quantity I was providing, I get regular blood tests because things got so severe but I've not needed another transfusion since reluctantly going back to a more standard modern diet.

He needs his bloods doing again for deficiency. It could be stress related. or diet does he have kefir, kombucha or kimchi? All are good for the gut.
We are similar tbh, once we had ds (8 but has additional needs so quite stressful) dh energy levels dropped and he struggled to cope with more than work and basic parenting. This put a lot of pressure on me and I ended up reducing my hours and taking on the majority of the house , cold rearing and mental load.
Dh decided to try to be healthier so he goes to the gym 4x a week and eats a very healthy diet. It has helped but he still goes to bed at 930 every night exhausted. He’s had bloods including hormones checked (although only one hormone check I said he needs at least two as they fluctuate over the month) He really struggles with any more than bare minimum existing. I think it’s largely stress/mh although he won’t engage in anything that would help him.
Our situation works ok for now and I’m just hoping he improves as ds gets older and hopefully more I dependant.
if I’m honest I suspect dh is autistic (as is DS) and he’s often overwhelmed by things that most people aren’t and I think this takes a toll on him . He would probably have been better to not have children.

I think he needs blood tests and your five year old needs to have some proper support to sleep through the night.

Think iron, b vitamin or vitamin d deficiency

Thanks all.
He is intolerant to yeast and fermented food, so can’t have kombucha, kimchi etc. He also doesn’t eat gluten.
Interesting that someone pointed out that B12 could be high because he’s not absorbing it. I’ll look into that.
5 year old only came looking for us once last night. We will keep working on that.
I really want to shout at him sometimes that the planet doesn’t care that he doesn’t eat meat. If he wants to put his energy into being ethical then he could start campaigning against billionaires and oil companies (though he buys vinyl records so….). I was veggie for a while, tried to be vegan and felt awful. My diet isn’t perfect, far too much junk, but I don’t have that soul sapping exhaustion.
I spoke to him yesterday and he’s looking into blood tests.

Are you on hrt?

@Wrenbirdwren look at Histamine Intolerance if bloods and other tests come back fine. I'd be trying to get a colonoscopy and endoscopy done.

I wonder if your DH is hypermobile.

Is his sleep ok when he does get some sleep? Look in to sleep apnoea symptoms, this is another cause of excessive daytime sleepiness

I've skim read so don't think it's been mentioned. Get him to ask the dr for his testosterone levels checked. Low T can cause fatigue, low energy and lethargy.

His veganism is not compatible with family life.

Is he able to do the activities he wants to? Can he stay up past 10pm when he is with his mates?

The first thing I thought of was Long Covid, OP, especially when you mentioned the big black shadows under his eyes. It triggers MCAS for some people, which makes yeast and fermented foods a problem, and also leads to random “anxiety” attacks (which aren’t anxiety at all but adrenaline and / or histamine dumps in the body). Lots of us with LC have issues with very high B12 because we aren’t absorbing it properly any more. Ferritin levels can become very low, too. It’s a nightmare finding doctors who understand LC and the NHS doesn’t acknowledge MCAS at all, but there’s lots you can do with diet and OTC antihistamines. If your husband responds well, it will at least be a data point for you. Rest and pacing all activities are the most important things, which I totally understand is incredibly tough with working full time and looking after little kids.

OP does he sleep in bed with you or in a separate room? As in, do you know for sure that he is in bed and sleeping when he says.

YABU for ‘mental load’!

Yes he definitely needs blood tests and then work out what supplements he needs - does he take any as a vegan diet definitely needs to be carefully managed to ensure nutritional needs are met

I suggested this as I'm a menopause coach who has seen a few husbands in an andropause situation too.

In case anyone can benefit from knowing this, ALL men go through andropause in the same way that women go through menopause. Some get light symptoms, some really suffer (just like women) but they all go through it. It should always be a consideration on your radar if your husband has these kinds of symptoms. As with the menopause there are major lifestyle changes that can make the difference as well as hormone supplementation.