My husband is always exhausted. Is this normal?

[Wrenbirdwren]

I could really use some advice on whether I am being unreasonable about the level of exhaustion my husband is at.
Family set up. Me; 42. Freelance work that doesn't bring in much, but means I can do all school runs, no after school clubs, cover school holidays, no need for holiday clubs etc, manage mental load etc. I cook for myself and kids, housework etc. 2 kids, 5 and 11.
DH: 44, full time £90k job, 2 days communting, the rest from home. No evening hobbies. He is vegan, so cooks for himself.
I get up with the kids at 7 on school days and do breakfast, lunches, spellings, reading etc and get them off to school while he gets ready for work. He starts at 9. He takes an hour for lunch where he often eats and has a nap fpr 20 minutes. He finishes at 5, when he cooks for himself then gets smallest one to bed on some evenings. He goes to bed at 10. The little one still gets up in the night so we end up ferrying him back to be about 3 times. We take turns at this.
He is yawning constantly, big black shadows under his eyes. No energy or motivation. Waves of anxiety which he is getting therapy for, but to no real effect. On a weekend, he will go through the motions with the family but you can tell he just wants to be left alone. We will both have naps.
He gets time off every school holiday as I take the children to visit relatives for 4 days to a week. He is refeshed after this but a week later is exhausted again.
I don't know the solution. I'm quite low on stamina myself and need an awful lot of sleep, and get migraines around once a month so he covers for me then. I also get breaks when with relatives and at home when the kids are at school. I feel very guilty that he is so worn down. But,if I went back to work he would have to do more of the mental load and wouldn't cope. I'd like him to consider 4 days a week, so he could at least sleep on a day so it doesn't affect the weekends, but he's against that.
I'm concered it's long covid, or his diet, but he insists his vegan diet is healthy (he does it right, lits of lentils etc for protein), but he also has lits of food intolerances and IBS.
I must admit I'm ranting, he's excellent in so many ways, I just hate seeing him so tired and crabby and it's meaning we don't do as much as a family.

He could have a iron deficiency if hes vegan. Get him to have his bloods tested.

Has he ever spoken to his GP about this? A quick blood test might show an easily treated reason. I'm anaemic and go through spells of being low on energy.

You're not being unreasonable. When DP worked away 3 nights a week he would be exhausted when he came home because he worked so many hours - would stay in the office late, eat late etc. Your DP should visit his GP and be checked for things like anaemia, other deficiencies and thyroid conditions.

I strongly suspect diet too. Protein of iron deficiency.

How long has he been vegan? Have you seen a change - did he used to have more energy?

Could be chronic fatigue.

Best thing is get him to go to GP for tests.

Try to get him to take a B12 supplement or foods that have added B12. I thought I was ok but a blood test showed negligible amounts and I had to have a course of B12 injections.
https://www.vegansociety.com/resources/nutrition-and-health/nutrients/vitamin-b12/what-every-vegan-should-know-about-vitamin-b12

Isn't the issue here that your 5 year old wakes you three times a night? (and presumably has been all his life?) This sounds absolutely exhausting for you, DH and DS himself. I would be on my knees.

That sounds like me. After 4 years of test after test I finally got diagnosed with 4 autoimmune diseases including pernicious anaemia (b12 deficiency) and then fibromyalgia. At 52 I can no longer work anything like full time and am living less than half a life. Get him tested for whatever you can.

I was like this when I had a vitamin D deficiency. Some doctors wont test for it because its almost certain that he is deficient, the question is whether the deficiency is causing the symptoms.

I'm veggie, not vegan and I take a high strength vit d, a spatone sachet and sublingual B12 (there a couple of type of b12 supplements and these are meant to be the most likely absorbed). I'd be encouraging something similar along with a trip to the GP.

I’d feel like that if my 5yo came in three times a night too.my mental as well as physical health suffered when we didn’t sleep with the kids - some people it affects more than others. What would it take to address that? A blood test etc sounds sensible too.

Vit B12 or D could cause this or thyroid issues. He absolutely needs full.
bloods done.

He needs to see gp for blood tests and a nutritionist for supplements depending what tests show

Same here and 3 months of injections once every two weeks made a huge difference in energy levels.

I felt like this after being vegan for a few years.
It doesn't matter what he insists, just saying a thing doesn't make it true. He will be deficient in some things and supplements don't cover it long term.

Diet’s the first thing I’d look at, but it sounds like he’d be resistant. As someone who loves lentils and other pulses etc, I know they don’t play nicely with IBS - he may not be absorbing enough protein as well as the more obvious nutrients.
My husband responds to tough love pretty well when he doesn’t want to accept things so I’m probably really abrasive blunt in my approach, which is not very helpful to advise on how to approach, sorry!

Where is he getting his B12. ( More likely to be missing in a healthy food vegan diet as it is supplemented in cereals etc)

Is your 5 year old getting support with sleep from anywhere? That seems a logical place to start, as well as vitamin level checks.

3 times a night waking is quite a lot.I think if you can sort this it would help.Is he at School.My friends LO often woke but it improved after he started .Also agree with others re vegan diet.Some sort of supplement would help .Maybe check with the Chemist and see if they can recommend anything to help

He needs a full blood work up really.

I went to the doctors and because my exhaustion lasted longer than 6 months, they went down the CFS route, and ordered every blood test under the sun so they can start ruling other things out first.

They did a really comprehensive test of my cortisol, vitamin levels, blood count, blood pressure, thryroid, diabetes check up, and talked over the ways it's impacting my ability to function day to day.

I did explain I have an autistic child with sleep issues and so I'd been putting off coming for the past year, because I didn't know whether the exhaustion was just purely related to having a poor sleeping child or whether there was something else wrong with me, but they were extremely kind in explaining that it's better to make sure there's no underlying medical condition than just assume that there wasn't.

I would bet that it's to do with his diet, but let the numbers decide that rather than just guessing.

He is vegan

It could be something to do with this. Vegans do have to be careful to make sure they are getting the right nutrients. He could be deficient in B12, iron, D.

I'm not a vegan and when I was feeling liee that it turned out I had a severe deficiency of vitamin D. I live in a village in the mountains which gets very little sun during the winter. Supplements from October to March sorted it out.

Get him to go to the doctor to get bloods done.

That sleep disruption can lead anyone to burnout, for sure. He might be experiencing exactly that. Finding a way to sleep more could literally solve this (when he has a few days of sleep you say he's a lot better so this could be the issue).

OP he could also be in andropause, given his age, so get his testosterone levels tested. This is a very classic set of symptoms for andropause, so the test is worth it. Andropause can affect testosterone levels AND serotonin levels - serotonin is hard to test for but low mood, anxiety, fatigue, feeling stressed and overwhelmed are all symptoms and you can look into some great supplements to help with this. If it is andropause getting testosterone supplementation/lifestyle mgmt to mitigate it (just like hormone support in menopause) can be literally life-changing.

All of this could potentially be exacerbated by mineral and vitamin insufficiency due to being vegan so it's worth either testing levels (ideal) or (at minimum) beginning with generic multivitamin and multimineral supplements to see if he feels a difference.

I'm a personal trainer and I specialise in burnout and menopause, and have treated andropausal clients too - this pattern often emerges in men around your husbands age (I joined Mumsnet to post this btw!).

Probably both his diet and just being stuck in a rut. Probably needs a kick up the arse on both points so that he realises how it's affecting everyone else
He might feel sorry for himself, but needs to know there are others involved.

Thank you all so much for your sympathetic responses. I thought I was going to be harshly told to get a job and take more of the strain!
The last time he had full bloods was 2 years ago and he had VERY high B12, but I guess that could have dropped so we will both look into getting blood tests to see where we are.
The sleep issue with the 5 year old is ongoing. We used to co-sleep, but are trying to train him to sleep independently, which is why we're at the 3 times a night wake up, ferry back to bed stage. Maybe we need to go back to co-sleeping...
I am not a fan of his being vegan and having IBS. I nagged him for a long time about his diet as, TMI, food was literally flushing through him. I showed him the bristol stool chart to explicity state that his gut was inflamed, and that led him to investigating food intoleance, and he has cut out loads of foods due to that. But he says his gut hasn't changed much, despite that. I would LOVE him to think about eating meat again, but it's a hill he's willing to die on at the moment, and I think he needs to hear that high fibre lentils and beans in every meal is not good for an IBS gut from someone else. Trouble is, last doctor he spoke to told him they wished all their patients ate like he did, so he's got it in his head that he's eating really well.
If anyone has any studies showing IBS/ vegan pitfalls from a reputable source, I'd be very grateful.
We will also look into testosterone, thank you for that idea.

OP I've had IBS for years - it ruled my life and was awful - and it's completely under control now. I tried everything and eventually realised my body just can't digest short chain carbohydrates (basically a low FODMAP diet plus low dose psyllium husks daily and decent vitamin and mineral supplements to get all my levels back up to the norm fixed it completely, alongside exercise and stretching). Some people just don't have the capability to digest them.

It might not be the cause for him - but it's an easy thing to look into and easy to avoid whatever foods are on the FODMAP list. Already with what you've mentioned about his diet, it sounds like a he's very high FODMAP. Just a thought.

As pp have said, it could be his diet.

If this was me I would ask him to go to the Dr for bloods but also raise his IBS symptoms. My husband was diagnosised as IBS at first he actually and IBD.
Look at low FODMAP diet.
I woulf get the child a small double bed and if they wake up one of you can child in with them in their bed. I assuming you’ve done all the obvious thing like ruling out a scary this in room, night lights, new cuddly toy and telling them it’s normal to wake in the night and when it happens they should try and snuggle down with their cuddly toy.