My husband is always exhausted. Is this normal?

[Wrenbirdwren]

I could really use some advice on whether I am being unreasonable about the level of exhaustion my husband is at.
Family set up. Me; 42. Freelance work that doesn't bring in much, but means I can do all school runs, no after school clubs, cover school holidays, no need for holiday clubs etc, manage mental load etc. I cook for myself and kids, housework etc. 2 kids, 5 and 11.
DH: 44, full time £90k job, 2 days communting, the rest from home. No evening hobbies. He is vegan, so cooks for himself.
I get up with the kids at 7 on school days and do breakfast, lunches, spellings, reading etc and get them off to school while he gets ready for work. He starts at 9. He takes an hour for lunch where he often eats and has a nap fpr 20 minutes. He finishes at 5, when he cooks for himself then gets smallest one to bed on some evenings. He goes to bed at 10. The little one still gets up in the night so we end up ferrying him back to be about 3 times. We take turns at this.
He is yawning constantly, big black shadows under his eyes. No energy or motivation. Waves of anxiety which he is getting therapy for, but to no real effect. On a weekend, he will go through the motions with the family but you can tell he just wants to be left alone. We will both have naps.
He gets time off every school holiday as I take the children to visit relatives for 4 days to a week. He is refeshed after this but a week later is exhausted again.
I don't know the solution. I'm quite low on stamina myself and need an awful lot of sleep, and get migraines around once a month so he covers for me then. I also get breaks when with relatives and at home when the kids are at school. I feel very guilty that he is so worn down. But,if I went back to work he would have to do more of the mental load and wouldn't cope. I'd like him to consider 4 days a week, so he could at least sleep on a day so it doesn't affect the weekends, but he's against that.
I'm concered it's long covid, or his diet, but he insists his vegan diet is healthy (he does it right, lits of lentils etc for protein), but he also has lits of food intolerances and IBS.
I must admit I'm ranting, he's excellent in so many ways, I just hate seeing him so tired and crabby and it's meaning we don't do as much as a family.

Check out his b12 get blood test and iron ferratin and folate infact im sure doc will do a range of tests ASAP

He should go get his bloods done again, he may be anaemic (or even something else) I was vegan for while, it really messed up my stomach unfortunately (and my iron/b12 levels) on guidance from a medical professional I've allowed some (good quality/high weldare) dairy and meat/fish back into my diet...funnily enough my stomach issues are so much better now...

Agree. No good guessing what he needs as a supplement.

OH had blood tests recently and was deficient in b12, and vit d. Surprisingly the gp didn't ask if he was vegetarian or vegan (he isn't).

Why does he not want to do 4 days a week?
Most people would jump at this and he can easily afford it.

I agree with others that it could be the sleep disruption and I would sort this (as well as getting a blood test).

We have different forms of sleep and (I can’t remember the names) but we need the deep one to get a decent nights sleep.
Some people get into this deep state more easily than others and so it may be that he is not achieving this deep state for long before being woken up and so his quality of sleep is much poorer than you both realise.

I would take a blood test too but find a way to make the youngest not disturb him (maybe you could sleep in their room for a couple weeks) and see if it helps.

I had a period of acute tiredness a few years back, was falling asleep at work, couldn't function properly it was a vitamin d deficiency. A few high doses on prescription sorted me out & I still take 1 regular pill a day. If he doesn't get much sunshine it could be that

He's being woken 3 times a night, and presumably has for years, and is working full time in presumably quite a full on job given his salary. I'd be exhausted too. If I wake in the night, e.g. needing toilet, I am much more tired the next day than if I sleep straight through. For me, after 6-7 hours uninterrupted sleep I feel much fresher than nights where I've woken even if total amount of sleep is the same or longer.

His digestive issues are possibly also contributing. While it's possible to have a very healthy vegan diet and be full of energy (a close friend is a vegan endurance athlete), it takes a lot of effort and planning and doesn't suit everyone.

Friend of mine was like this energy wise as a vegan. She eventually went back to being vegetarian and that helped a lot. Especially reintroducing stuff like eggs. Is that an option to try?

B12 deficiency it sounds like. Vegan and those who eat a coeliac diet are quite susceptible to it.

At the risk of sounded like a Redditor (because they say it a lot on there).. have you got a carbon monoxide detector? Just checking, as you're both so exhausted.

Apart from the vegan issue, a constantly waking child takes it toll so doing some work around this might help. (Not a magic wand issue I realise but progress can be made if your child is NT)

Most vegans don't actually have sufficient b12 because there are no good vegetable sources for it. Lots of vegans have to go back to a proper diet for their health.
Feed him red meat for a month and see the difference.

I would be concerned about IBD, rather than "just" IBS in this situation, and I say that as someone who has it (and is, incidentally, vegetarian because my gut is less angry that way). Being vegan can mask blood loss and such as being merely dietary. There are new dietary guidelines out for IBD recently, they recommend chicken, but he could probably replace it with peanut butter (not the whole nut, they will upset his gut), tofu, or other low fibre vegan proteins.

Protein shakes ? Veganism is a hard diet to get all the nutrition you need. Not impossible but hard

He should speak to the GP who may do blood tests or advise a sleep study.

Lots of vegans are deficient in the b vitamins. I’d get that checked. Eve when done right.

Came here to post this. Am vegan

He needs to see a GP as a starter for a blood test. He also needs to speak to them about his bowels if it hasn't improved he needs that examining.

Many people with IBS also have to follow a low FODMAP diet which isn't very compatible with being vegan!
No onions, garlic, tomatoes, nightshade vegetables etc.

He should not try a FODMAP exclusion diet without a dietician.

If all those elements come back clear then it would be worth investigating long covid. I have long covid and need similar in terms of energy levels but I have been cleared by the GP of any other conditions first.

It should be tested for. I would write a formal complaint to any single GP surgery that refuses it

its one of the only hormones you can overdose on! That’s for starters.

plus not a lot of people realise but it’s a hormone and needs to be checked. No dr should ever refuse. They refuse b12. But vitamin d they shouldn’t

Very high b12 should be checked often…..

get it checked again and keep an eye on it

He has anxiety, having anxiety is exhausting.

Alternatively, marmite or vegemite, very frequently.

Malnutrition from veganism

What are his reasons for veganism? If it’s health related, should be an easy one to debunk literally by asking him how he feels.

If it’s moral reasons, it’s harder but you can source high welfare animal products from local farm shops

A family member suffers with a chronic digestive/autoimmune condition, because of this they have very low magnesium levels as well as other key nutrients which can cause fatigue, irritability etc
I would go back and ask for repeat bloods to include a magnesium check as isn’t always routinely checked, at least if they come back all clear you can rule out low levels of iron, magnesium etc and work on the next thing it can be.
Our youngest sounds very similar regarding sleep, we still co sleep once they wake up once and come in to us because otherwise it’s just too tiring, if all the bloods are fine I would suggest going back to co sleeping until they are a little older.
Our eldest was very similar sleep wise and wasn’t confident to sleep on his own until nearer 6-7, whereas our others slept independently from 6 months. Some children just need extra reassurance so if you’re trying to get him to sleep on his own because you feel you ‘have to’ because of societal norms, a lot of us are in the same boat!

Being woken up three times a night might be making him feel exhausted. Some people really suffer from broken sleep. Of course, I sympathise with you too OP. Having said that, I can be a bit groggy in the morning after a broken night’s sleep but am usually fine after a coffee and can enjoy the day with the kids (e.g. if it’s a weekend). So maybe there is something else going on.

I'd definitely have a blood test if I was him. My OH has always loved his sleep but has constant energy when required, then catches up after busy phases. We eat very well though, including meat.
B12 and Iron are tricky to replicate, as are the nutrients for the gut biome from meat stock.
Vegans always argue that there are millions of vegans in India, which is true, but they are physically much smaller than us (assuming your OH is a white Anglo Saxon!) and have plentiful sunlight which we, alas, are not blessed with.

I would definitely get his B12 level checked