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AIBU?

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Original poster

Is this gaslighting?

88 replies

Ghaunj · 15/11/2025 08:22

Dh went to collect DS on the school run, I stayed at home with our other child. It was raining heavily so I suggested he take my (new, fancy) umbrella.

He came home and for some reason decided to go round the back of the house where there is a narrow alleyway and tons of brambles. I stood at the window and watched how he walked through there with my new umbrella and basically tore it to shreds getting it caught on every bramble and at one point getting stuck and yanking it, at no point did he try to take it down and walk the last 2m getting a little bit wet.

When he came in I was annoyed, I said "why didn't you put it down!? That's too narrow to walk through with umbrellas!"

To which he shouted back at me that he thought he could hold it above the brambles and it was fine, it didn't get stuck at all only the dangly bit you popper it together with.

I replied that I saw it with my own eyes.

It's not damaged badly thankfully just a bit plucked.

After this he was in a huffy mood and didn't speak much for the next hour.

I finally asked what was wrong.

"You have been snappy with me all day and I didn't like the way you spoke to me about the umbrella!"

I am upset because I haven't snapped at all today. I was annoyed about the umbrella but I mean I think that was justified? He really struggles with any kind of criticism or negative feedback especially when he is feeling embarrassed about his actions.

Is it gaslighting?

Nb- I am not THAT bothered about the umbrella, more just annoyed at the complete lack of common sense?

OP posts:
HelenaWaiting · 15/11/2025 08:30

I think the term is overused to the point where it loses all meaning. Gaslighting refers to psychologically manipulating someone to the point where they question their own sanity, memory or reasoning. Did he gaslight you? No. It sounds like you need to cultivate some patience and he needs to stop playing the victim.

TappyGilmore · 15/11/2025 08:31

No, it’s not gaslighting, it’s just a different perspective. He thinks you were snappy. You think you weren’t, but you acknowledge that you were annoyed, so chances are you did come across as a bit “snappy” even if that wasn’t the intention.

MolkosTeenageAngst · 15/11/2025 08:34

It’s just an umbrella. You can pick one up for under a fiver. In the scheme of things it wouldn’t be a big deal if it was ripped, but as it is it’s absolutely fine. I can see why he’s upset if he came in and the first thing you did was just snap at him after watching him angrily through the window. He hasn’t done anything wrong and he’s definitely not gaslighting.

UpDownAllAround1 · 15/11/2025 08:35

No it was a man not taking responsibility for a fuck up

IvedoneitagainhaventI · 15/11/2025 08:36

I'm confused as to why he went down the alley with the brambles.
The way you describe it makes it sound as though he deliberately did that just to damage the umbrella. Is this what you believe?
Dies he have form for doing deliberately vindictive things?

CarpetSlipper · 15/11/2025 08:37

No it isn’t gaslighting.

Poorabbeywalsh2 · 15/11/2025 08:38

It's not gaslighting, he was just embarrassed about making a stupid man decision and not being accountable for trashing your umbrella. I would also be upset if my umbrella was broken, he needs to stop being a baby.

I believe that Gaslighting would be if you told him to take your umbrella, he decided not to take your advice and then he blamed you for the outcome.

DaisyChain505 · 15/11/2025 08:39

No it’s not gaslighting.

Your husbands perspective and opinion is that you’d been snappy with him all day.

You can say you weren’t but you may not have noticed your mood with him or he may have misinterpreted something.

But it’s not gaslighting.

MrsBennetsPoorNervesAreBack · 15/11/2025 08:39

Firstly, you said he tore it to shreds, then you said it wasn't damaged badly. That makes no sense.

It sounds like a lot of fuss over an umbrella tbh.

I can't see any evidence of gaslighting.

YorkshirePuddingsGreatestFan · 15/11/2025 08:42

Gaslighting is messing with your head so you end up confused and questioning your own sanity. It's to get you into a state where you believe there is something wrong with your mind and you need him as you can't manage on your own.

Eg: telling you off for coming back late as he claims you said you'd be back for 2pm even though you're sure you said 4pm.
Asking you to buy shower gel, then berating you when you got home as he claims he asked for deodorant.
Moving objects in the home and claiming you must have put them there.

It's a serious thing but it's making it harder for victims to get help as the word is now overused to describe simple arguments.

MiddleClassProblem · 15/11/2025 08:49

MrsBennetsPoorNervesAreBack · 15/11/2025 08:39

Firstly, you said he tore it to shreds, then you said it wasn't damaged badly. That makes no sense.

It sounds like a lot of fuss over an umbrella tbh.

I can't see any evidence of gaslighting.

This. It feels like this might be something you do and don’t realise. A bit like being snappy. It’s possible you can’t read how you come across. It’s possible he’s over sensitive or exaggerating.

I don’t think anyone is in the wrong here. He made a mistake, you were annoyed. Just be conscious of your own tendency to exaggerate.

RedTagAlan · 15/11/2025 09:13

No, I did not try to destroy your umbrella, Look here, here is your umbrella, not a scratch on it, see look. Are you imagining things again dear ? Perhaps a hot bath will help.

That's gaslighting.

I watched the film again just last week. Great film.

Edit to add. If your husband had a duplicate umbrella hidden, destroyed one, and gave you the good one he had hidden, said the above to create doubt about what your eyes had seen, that would be gaslighting in this scenario.

Original poster
Ghaunj · 15/11/2025 09:34

Just wanted to emphasize - not about the umbrella, about the behaviour

OP posts:
osloslow · 15/11/2025 09:38

You need to get rid of the brambles

Whaleandsnail6 · 15/11/2025 09:40

Ghaunj · 15/11/2025 09:34

Just wanted to emphasize - not about the umbrella, about the behaviour

Look at this from his perspective ...you immediately confronted him, annoyed when he walked through the door without even checking the umbrella.

You admit that looking out of the window made it seem like the umbrella would be badly damaged, but on checking, it isn't.

I would be irritated if the minute i walked through the door my husband started having a go about something

The whole thing sounds like mountain out of molehill on both of your parts.

JLou08 · 15/11/2025 09:43

Are you asking if you was gaslighting him? You said the umbrella was torn to shreds but it wasn't and then completely denied your DHs experience when he told you that you'd been snappy all day, you minimise his feelings talking about how he doesn't like criticism (not many of us do). It would need to be part of a pattern to be gaslighting but your behaviour doesn't sound great either way.

Catwalking · 15/11/2025 10:03

not gaslighting as such… who knows how it can ‘develop’???

The ‘D’H here has perfected the art of, doing things he doesn’t like want to, very badly, because then I’m not gonna ask again!… now, of course he complains I’m, “too independent”. 🙄

Needtosoundoffandbreathe · 15/11/2025 10:06

MrsBennetsPoorNervesAreBack · 15/11/2025 08:39

Firstly, you said he tore it to shreds, then you said it wasn't damaged badly. That makes no sense.

It sounds like a lot of fuss over an umbrella tbh.

I can't see any evidence of gaslighting.

Prone to hyperbole are you OP? You've said it got torn it shreds when it wasn't. I think you need to look at your own behaviour and what you say before criticising your husband tbh.

Lurkingandlearning · 15/11/2025 10:25

I felt a little gaslit by your post. You literally typed in that your umbrella had been ripped to shreds and then further on said it had only been plucked (whatever that is.). So to check my sanity I reread “ripped to shreds “

He should have put it down in the narrow space and not allowed it to be snagged on the brambles. But if you regularly dramatically exaggerate like that when something displeases it must be very tiresome for the people around you.

BillieWiper · 15/11/2025 10:32

Not really. I mean it's not uncommon for people to minimise something they did that annoyed another person.

Like if I spilled something, I'd just go to get stuff to clean it up. But if someone said 'oh my god that looks awful, you've ruined the carpet'. I might respond by trying to minimise it out of embarrassment. Like 'Oh, don't worry, it's only a little bit, it will be fine, I'm getting a cloth...'

Would the person who's upset about the carpet think I was gaslighting them? I hope not.

ToKittyornottoKitty · 15/11/2025 10:36

No it’s not gas lighting, it’s stupid how much people overuse the term for such minor disagreements or behaviours they don’t like. He could argue you were gas lighting by lending him the umbrella and then criticising him for it, and snapping at him all day and then denying it. It’s such a minor disagreement, just move on and stop trying to create a villain

JudgeBread · 15/11/2025 10:41

No it's not gaslighting, it's just a man not being able to own up to and apologise for a mistake.

Gaslighting is a real and frightening abuse tactic, this was a petty squabble over an umbrella. Come on now.

Titasaducksarse · 15/11/2025 10:43

I'd be pissed off at his disregard for something of mine he'd borrowed that was new (although you offered it).
Gaslighting...no.

Lolapusht · 15/11/2025 10:52

How often do you use the alley?

What is the normal way to get into your house?

Which way is quicker?

If it’s not the usual way to get in, was there a reason why he didn’t go the usual way?

How much damage has been caused to the new, fancy umbrella (and has it lost its “ooh! New and pretty!!” sheen?)

What happens when something has been planned that isn’t for him eg your birthday? Christmas? Kids days out? Does he usually have something going on that takes the focus away from the thing eg you’ve planned something for your birthday but he’s suddenly not feeling great…no point in going out for a meal if he’s not going to enjoy it…let’s postpone until he’s better…never happens?

I hate umbrellas and don’t use them, but hate brambles more. Not sure why anyone would actively choose to walk down a sodden wet alley full of brambles in the rain.

Brightbluesomething · 15/11/2025 10:56

So he collected the kids in a storm and you stayed home warm and dry, then you have a go at him and overreact the second he walks in the door. Is the umbrella useable? If it is you need to apologise. If not just replace it and give him a break.
Not gaslighting, but you’re not behaving well. Stop criticising him.