Is this gaslighting?

[Ghaunj]

Dh went to collect DS on the school run, I stayed at home with our other child. It was raining heavily so I suggested he take my (new, fancy) umbrella.

He came home and for some reason decided to go round the back of the house where there is a narrow alleyway and tons of brambles. I stood at the window and watched how he walked through there with my new umbrella and basically tore it to shreds getting it caught on every bramble and at one point getting stuck and yanking it, at no point did he try to take it down and walk the last 2m getting a little bit wet.

When he came in I was annoyed, I said "why didn't you put it down!? That's too narrow to walk through with umbrellas!"

To which he shouted back at me that he thought he could hold it above the brambles and it was fine, it didn't get stuck at all only the dangly bit you popper it together with.

I replied that I saw it with my own eyes.

It's not damaged badly thankfully just a bit plucked.

After this he was in a huffy mood and didn't speak much for the next hour.

I finally asked what was wrong.

"You have been snappy with me all day and I didn't like the way you spoke to me about the umbrella!"

I am upset because I haven't snapped at all today. I was annoyed about the umbrella but I mean I think that was justified? He really struggles with any kind of criticism or negative feedback especially when he is feeling embarrassed about his actions.

Is it gaslighting?

Nb- I am not THAT bothered about the umbrella, more just annoyed at the complete lack of common sense?

A person intending to gaslight someone. Gaslighting is usually preplanned and a series of events designed to make the victim believe they are going crazy.

Yes, it's getting very overused. Like the word toxic for anyone or situation that makes someone feel the least bit uncomfortable.

Still trying to imagine the scene where he chose to go through a back alley full of bramble with a small child, in the rain. Why? Is it a shortcut?
Don't think he was gaslighting, just frustrated after walking through a wet bramble filled alleyway and then being critized by you, probably in front of his children. You probably both acted wrong.

Of course that’s not gaslighting - it’s two adults having a petty disagreement over the use of an umbrella 🫣

I can't understand how you've got to thinking this could ne gaslighting. I think you are confused on the meaning.

I think it's reasonable to be a bit annoyed that your umbrella is damaged, a bit unfair to be really mad at him considering he didn't purposely damage it, he made a judgement and it was wrong. Easily done. Annoying that he won't just admit that he made a mistake.
I'd probably just be relieved I didn't have to do the school run tbh.

So they make the effort to go out and buy replicas of various items they intend to destroy … how do they know where this was purchased from and how do they afford this?? Seems … odd.

A lot of gaslighters are psychopaths.

They don't actually need to know where it was purchased as just buying a vaguely similar umbrella would do - part of the gaslighting could be convincing OP that the replacement was actually the original umbrella even if not the same brand/colour/style etc. It's convincing because OP would think as you did, it would be too weird for them to do that so it must be her memory that is at fault.

Or they give an item as a gift (having bought 2), destroy it, pretend their victim has caused the damage then replace the item and pretend the whole thing - the damage and the conversation about the victim being responsible - never happened.

Obviously actual gaslighting is rare - which is why it’s annoying when people use ‘he’s gaslighting me’ every time their partner disagrees with them or suggests they are behaving unreasonably. Even if said partner is wrong, that’s not gaslighting.

NO

you snapped at him about the umbrella, he reacted defensively. Its not bloody gas lighting

Obviously actual gaslighting is rare - which is why it’s annoying when people use ‘he’s gaslighting me’ every time their partner disagrees with them or suggests they are behaving unreasonably. Even if said partner is wrong, that’s not gaslighting.

Yes, gaslighting now seems to be used when actually the behaviour is plain lying, or just a difference in opinion or perception. Or just when someone acts in a way you don't like. It's extremely disrespectful to people that have been absolutely and properly gaslighted. If that had happened to OP, she would not be posting as she has on MN, she would be doubting her reality and her sanity. There is no hint of that in her post.

They may buy 2 of the same as gifts or something. They are odd people, thank goodness not common. But they will go to extremes because quite frankly, they are sick in the head.

I think this may be one example of a behaviour the author of this post felt they could put into words. She says the husband struggles with critism and negative feedback. This points to one example that's part of a bigger issue. They have children, so we have to lead by example on regulating our emotions and being able to take reasonable negative feedback. Some counseling, would help, it will also identify how willing the partners are to improve their relationship.

My husband does this type of thing constantly. Hes emotionally abusive towards me. Yesterday he threw away the new tupperware box I bought for work and pretended he thought it was "rubbish". Every day when I work 10 hours, he piles things on the chair I sit on so I have to move it all. Every single day. It's small things that make me question myself. If your husband does this all the time then I would say it's gaslighting yes. If it's a one off, then he was just being inconsiderate