Worried about my boyfriend’s lifestyle now we have a baby

[Superdead]

Hi everyone, this is my first time posting and I’m a bit nervous but I don’t really have anyone to talk to. I’m 17 and have a little boy who is almost 10 months. I ended up getting kicked out by my mum when I was pregnant because she told me I needed to get an abortion and I said no. Things got really bad between us and I haven’t been back there since. I moved in with my boyfriend who is 20. At first it felt like the only choice I had and he was being supportive.

The problem is lately things have changed and I don’t know what to do. He has always smoked weed but now he is doing more than that. He goes out with these older guys who mess around with all sorts and he comes back out of it and just goes straight to sleep or sits on his phone for hours. I don’t like having that around my baby. I don’t even want my son growing up hearing arguments or seeing stuff lying about. I’ve told him I’m not happy but he says I’m being dramatic and acting like I’m better than him now just because I’m a mum.

I know people judge me because of my age and think I’ve made a load of bad choices already but my son is the best thing that ever happened to me and I just want him to be safe. I don’t have any family to go to. I don’t know what my options are or if I’m overreacting. Would social services get involved if I asked for help. I’m scared of that happening but I’m also scared of staying here if he keeps going like this.

Sorry this is so long. I just need some proper advice.

@willstarttomorrow , I think you are very conscious of your age, and some advice offered here does seem pretty patronising,

That's not my take. OP can get more help now than after her birthday, because she is still legally a minor.

My boyfriend might be making stupid choices lately but he is a good dad

With all kindness as you are very young and have not been supported properly by your family… he is not a good dad. A good dad doesn’t smoke weed, go out with dodgy people and dismiss his partners concerns.

You have had some good advice on here. Please listen to it. You can put yourself and your child back onto the right path if you work with social services but don’t leave it too late.

Leave now while you can ❤️ don't stay with a moron because you think his your only choice!

Sort your housing while you are still a minor, OP, irregardless of everything else.
Stable housing can make a massive difference for you and your child’s future. You can’t stay at his mum forever anyway even in better circumstances, this makes you very vulnerable now.
You will fall at the bottom of the list if you wait until you are 18.

You could go to citizens advice or contact Shelter as they might know who is the right agency to help you. You could also try the YMCA as they provide housing for young people. You could ask to talk to the health visitor ta the GP's office, some GP's have a welfare rights advisor some days to help people access benefits.

He's a scum bag OP and shouldn't be around your baby and he won't suddenly change they never do.
I also had a baby very young and learned this the hard way.
Once I was on my own I did a degree got a well paid job and bought us a house.
Your baby relies on you 100% and needs you. You don't need to be around a drug taking party boy. Just because he doesn't hit you does not make him a great partner and father.

You sound like a fantastic mum but I want to give you a piece of advice that I wish I'd known when younger.

If he wanted to, he would.

There has never been any truer words about a man than that. If he wanted to grow up and step to be a man and a proper father, he'd stop the drugs and be a proper dad. He hasn't. There is nothing on earth that will stop a man doing what he wants to do and he clearly doesn't. No matter the age.

Also, we've all been here before. You cannot change him. Even a baby hasn't changed him.

All you can do is change yourself and make life better for your little boy. Life will be tough but you can do it. The family unit will never happen in this scenario. Your little boy deserves better than this. Make plans to get on a council list or housing association. Get some qualifications and see if there is a free crèche somewhere while you study. It might be possible if you are currently on benefits. Do this for your son.

His dad can still visit and be a dad. But he deserves to live somewhere drug free. He will watch and grow as he learns. What kind of environment do you wish for him to learn from?

Remember you posted for a reason. Use that reason to motivate yourself and make life better for you and your boy. You've got this.

Addicts have to want to give up, otherwise it’ll never happen.

OP, your pursuing living separately and independently now - taking advantage of the extra supports you'll get as a 17 year old - does not mean necessarily mean the end of the relationship or of your family unit. Maybe it would just be the best thing for NOW. Maybe this very young man will grow and mature and be what you and your son need and that would be great but that isn't the case right now and you have options which will give you the space and stability to continue to be learn to be a mum. Which by the way, we all need, regardless of age. You sound great and that you have your child's best interests at heart. Your taking every support available is not a repudiation of the man that you love, or a judgement on your ability to cope, just an acknowledgement that you all are in a really challenging situation. Good luck OP, I admire your spunk.

Hi Op, hope you are okay, I realise this is a lot for you but well done on reaching out here. Can I ask if your boyfriend is wanting to/open to quitting drugs?

I have some experience with this situation

Sorry to be cynical (but i am trying to be helpful) - do you have a better chance of getting higher on the housing list if you are under 18 and have a baby? Or if you are not eligible for council housing because you are under 18 (I don't know the rules, sorry) i assume there are other housing options for young mums and when you are 18 or 21 or whatever the rule is you will automatically get put higher on the list? Basically i'm just saying find out if it is better for your medium term housing to get out now. (I agree you should get out!)

Have you said this to him?

I think I would be moving heaven and hell to get away from this man. He is involved in drugs and is violent. Maybe not towards you now but very possibly in the future so exposing your child to that is not what you want. If you have no family support and are not financially independent then I cannot see you have an alternative other than SS as you are not yet of age. You need a roof over yours and your baby’s head so where else can you go? This man is not going to change his lifestyle and in the meantime you and your baby are also exposed to this.

I don’t agree with your mum turning her back on you but I can see why she thought your bf was no good as he really isn’t. If he was a good dad he wouldn’t be involved in drugs and violence. He will end up in prison.

It sounds like you’re a sensible and responsible parent, and you know you need to remove yourself from that relationship and the house. Your boyfriend is on a one way track to absolutely nowhere. Your only focus now needs to be building a good life for your son and yourself. You can achieve so much, but only without a man holding you back.

the main question is where you can move to. Can you get on the council housing list, letting them know you’re newly single?

Document everything, including taking pictures of ‘stuff’, just for your records. It might be useful later.

To clarify again, the Childline policies mean that they would not break confidentiality in this situation. Just wanted to make that super clear, because one of the other posters made it sound like that might not be the case. You can Google the reasons why Childline might break confidentiality - this wouldn't meet the criteria.

I don’t want my son around someone who talks like that

so you're going to stay with someone who does drugs instead. Ok. Good luck.