Worried about my boyfriend’s lifestyle now we have a baby

[Superdead]

Hi everyone, this is my first time posting and I’m a bit nervous but I don’t really have anyone to talk to. I’m 17 and have a little boy who is almost 10 months. I ended up getting kicked out by my mum when I was pregnant because she told me I needed to get an abortion and I said no. Things got really bad between us and I haven’t been back there since. I moved in with my boyfriend who is 20. At first it felt like the only choice I had and he was being supportive.

The problem is lately things have changed and I don’t know what to do. He has always smoked weed but now he is doing more than that. He goes out with these older guys who mess around with all sorts and he comes back out of it and just goes straight to sleep or sits on his phone for hours. I don’t like having that around my baby. I don’t even want my son growing up hearing arguments or seeing stuff lying about. I’ve told him I’m not happy but he says I’m being dramatic and acting like I’m better than him now just because I’m a mum.

I know people judge me because of my age and think I’ve made a load of bad choices already but my son is the best thing that ever happened to me and I just want him to be safe. I don’t have any family to go to. I don’t know what my options are or if I’m overreacting. Would social services get involved if I asked for help. I’m scared of that happening but I’m also scared of staying here if he keeps going like this.

Sorry this is so long. I just need some proper advice.

Leave asap it’s only going to get worse.

There'll be people along soon with links to good resources (I’m not in the UK so don’t know what’s best, I assume you are). Please use them and leave as soon as you can. You absolutely won’t be judged for doing what you need to do to protect your baby, so long as you do it soon. Wishing you all the best OP x

At 17 you are still legally a child yourself and as such the law protects you more. I’d make a point of leaving before you turn 18. Having a baby and moving in with this guy at your age may not have been the best decision you could have made, but you sound pretty self aware about it and are taking a mature attitude to your current predicament. I think you’ve got it in you to turn this around. Being a young mum is hard, but it will definitely be better doing it alone than with this awful excuse for a father making things worse for you.

At 17 you are legally a child? You may be able to get a placement through social services who will support you in parenting

Could you reach out to your mum ? It must have been more than a year since you’ve been in touch. Do you think she could help?

Well done for caring about your baby’s safety Ring Childline to get the help you need. Urgently.

Speak to your health visitor
Ask for a young mum and baby place
Get away from him

I’m so sorry that your mum kicked you out and that your boyfriend is behaving so terribly. You sound like a great mum. Perhaps you need to speaking to the housing team at your local council? You would be a priority for housing. Have you applied for all the benefits you’re entitled to?

Hi there.
I'm sure that your health visitor will be able to advise and help you.
You're quite right to want to get away from this situation with your baby.

I would try reaching out to your Mum.
Explain the situation, explain you want to leave your partner and how you just want the best for your son.

She may have calmed down by now and you sound v mature so hopefully she will want to help you get on your feet.

Hello, social worker here. Don't be afraid of social services - contrary to popular belief we are here to help and support. A social worker will be able to help you to get on the housing register and you will be a priority as a single mum and because of your age. Good luck

I don’t actually see my health visitor anymore. She came a few times right after he was born but then it kind of stopped and I didn’t chase it because every time she came I felt like she was judging me. So I don’t even know who I’d contact now or if they’d just turn up asking loads of questions.

About the mum and baby placement stuff, I don’t really get why people keep suggesting that. I’m not some sort of danger to my own baby. I’ve looked after him every single day since he was born and he’s healthy and happy. I know I’m young but that doesn’t mean I can’t cope. It feels like people think because I’m 17 I can’t do anything right.

And going back to my mums isn’t an option. She’s still saying the baby ruined my future and that she warned me this would happen. She only ever brings up how hard things are going to be and how I should’ve listened to her. I don’t want my son around someone who talks like that and makes me feel like rubbish every time. She hasn’t calmed down at all.

My boyfriend might be making stupid choices lately but he is a good dad. He’s never once been rough or anything and he helps with feeds and baths when he’s not out. We’re living with him and his mum at the minute so it’s not like I’m completely alone here. I just don’t want the drug stuff creeping into our normal life. That’s what I’m worried about. I’m not trying to split my family up for no reason. I just want things to be safe for my son.

I had children with a 40 yr old man with a responsible job who had tried his very best to be a good dad. He basically never goes out (because he’s looking after our kids) and he grafts for us every day.

It’s still really fucking hard. you need to leave this boy immediately, it won’t get better.

My boyfriend might be making stupid choices lately but he is a good dad.

Well, he really isn't a good dad if he's sitting about mindlessly scrolling on his phone and is wasted on drugs all the time, and is spending loads of money on drugs.

Good dads don't do that.

What advice are you looking for, if you don't want to leave your boyfriend?

And what does his mum say about the drug use?

I’m also scared of staying here if he keeps going like this

You wrote that in your OP.

What are you afraid of? Is your boyfriend aggressive to you?

Speak to social services and ask for support to be rehoused. Or leave and go to the council for temporary accommodation. Do you have means to support yourself. Are you claiming child benefit? Do you get universal credit? Are you working?

I genuinely feel like the only way out of this for you is to reconnect with your mum.
How was your relationship before you got pregnant?

He isn’t a good dad, he really isn’t.
Realistically the options are getting in contact with your mum, getting in contact with the health visitor(you can use Google for their number) or social services,
I am sure you look after your son beautifully but right now having in a home with a drug user is not acting in his best interests and has the potential to be disastrous. Only you have the power to change that,

Had my youngest (now 35!) at 17 so no judgement from me, but I agree that getting away from this arsehole is the best. And SHAME on your mother.

This may be a good place to start https://ymsn.co.uk/

I wish you all the best xx

He isn’t aggressive toward me. He never has been. He used to get into fights with other lads before the baby came along but that was when he was going out all the time and acting stupid. Since our son was born he hasn’t been like that with anyone. I know people think he’s some sort of danger but he isn’t like that at home. I wouldn’t have my baby here if he was.

His mum doesn’t really say much about the drugs. She just says he’s old enough to make his own decisions and she isn’t getting in the middle. She works loads of hours so she’s not around much anyway. I don’t think she realises how much he’s actually doing or she just doesn’t want the stress of dealing with it.

My relationship with my mum wasn’t good even before I got pregnant. She hated him from the start and was constantly judging him and saying he’d hold me back. When I found out I was pregnant she went mad and actually tried to report him to the police because he was 19 and I was 16 doing my GCSEs. It caused loads of drama and it’s never gone back to normal since.

“He is a good dad”
He really really isn’t. It’s not good enough to get wasted and think changing a few nappies makes up for it.
it’s you and your baby against the world I am afraid - but you’ve got each other and you will cope. But raise the bar on good dads because this guy will take years of your life away. He isn’t good enough.

I think what people will feel hearing your situation is that you are happy in your life with this man and want this little family unit but you want to stop your partner taking drugs

it is very unlikely that you can make him change - he’s a dad now and that hasn’t stopped him, in fact you describe it as becoming worse

you can’t raise a child with a drug user, especially one who claims irritation at you for pointing it out & gaslights you into his narrative about feeling superior because you are a mum now

you want a safe calm reliable home for your son and you won’t get that with this young man

i would contact social services and I think the council to re house you
if you had to go via a mother and baby place it would only be a stepping stone to a permanent home

You cannot change this man but you can have a wonderful life with your son
in a safe place where there are no drugs

you sound wonderful and I’m sure will do the absolute best for your boy x

But your mum was right, would you want your precious baby in a relationship with a drug user who gets into fights? I certainly wouldn’t want that for my child. I would absolutely contact her and say mum you were right, please can you support me either by you going home or with getting help for you.
If he is leaving stuff laying around as you described then that is dangerous, if he is out it of it around your baby then that is also dangerous.
You have chosen to be a mum and part of that means that you may have to do things that may feel difficult or uncomfortable. You have to act in your child’s best interests.

OP as a social worker I second what @firsttimepregnanthelp says. Those suggesting Parent and Child placements , as you have quite rightly pointed out, have no idea of why they are used and it is incredibly patronising.

Whilst you say your boyfriend is a great dad, the fact you posted on here means you are obviously worried about his drug use and the impact it will have on you and your son.

As I say to many parents when their relationship is impacting on their child/ren, my job is not to tell people they should not be together. However, if either parent is placing the relationship above the safety of their child without working to address issues that impact on children, then serices will at some point be involved.

You sound like a protective parent, you are alert to the changes in your boyfriends behavior. I totally understand that he is not posing a risk to your son at this time, so it maybe that social care do not even get involved. However, a call to the duty and advice team means you can be signposted for appropriate support. Or contact your health visiting team, you are not on their radar because as far as they know, there is no reason for you to be on anything else than normal 'child health pathway and surveillance'. I know health visitors get a bad reputation on here, but those I work with offer amazing support when necessary.

Without knowing your circumstances outside your posts OP, I do worry that you are vulnerable in that you are living with your boyfriend and his parents. I get that he is a 'great dad' in his interactions with your son, but a great dad would be thinking about his lifestyle and priortising parenthood to the same extent you are. Your son has two parents. Hopefully if you get support he will also engage and make the changes your son needs. If not, then you need support to make decisions going forward.

No one has suggested you are a danger to your baby, they’re suggesting the mom and baby place as that’ll help you and your baby get your own place.

I understand he is a good father but no good father would take drugs around their baby. You are doing an amazing job but you must get you and your baby a safe home and build from there. You are doing an amazing job and noticing this issue with your baby’s father is the first step but you must make changes right away.

Good luck OP.