Worried about my boyfriend’s lifestyle now we have a baby

[Superdead]

Hi everyone, this is my first time posting and I’m a bit nervous but I don’t really have anyone to talk to. I’m 17 and have a little boy who is almost 10 months. I ended up getting kicked out by my mum when I was pregnant because she told me I needed to get an abortion and I said no. Things got really bad between us and I haven’t been back there since. I moved in with my boyfriend who is 20. At first it felt like the only choice I had and he was being supportive.

The problem is lately things have changed and I don’t know what to do. He has always smoked weed but now he is doing more than that. He goes out with these older guys who mess around with all sorts and he comes back out of it and just goes straight to sleep or sits on his phone for hours. I don’t like having that around my baby. I don’t even want my son growing up hearing arguments or seeing stuff lying about. I’ve told him I’m not happy but he says I’m being dramatic and acting like I’m better than him now just because I’m a mum.

I know people judge me because of my age and think I’ve made a load of bad choices already but my son is the best thing that ever happened to me and I just want him to be safe. I don’t have any family to go to. I don’t know what my options are or if I’m overreacting. Would social services get involved if I asked for help. I’m scared of that happening but I’m also scared of staying here if he keeps going like this.

Sorry this is so long. I just need some proper advice.

Sweetheart he is not a good Dad. Not now and very likely not in the future. A good Dad/Man is not going out getting high and coming home high to his partner and tiny baby. He is a loser and his Mum sounds like an apologist for him (probably because she raised a loser). Get yourself and your little one out of there. A Mum & baby placement isn’t suggesting that you’re a danger, it’s somewhere that can support you, and without your Mum or your partner you need that support.

I think I can sort of see what your mum is trying to do, although she has gone the wrong way about it. So shame on her.

She saw you making bad decisions by being with this loser and tried to get you away from him. When you insisted on keeping the baby she went down the "Right then, you made your bed, lie in it" road, in the hopes that you would wake up and get away from him. Which you are doing but, crucially, in doing what she has done you feel that you cant go back to her because you are worried about the "told you so".

You can get outside help.

Firstly, go to the website I mentioned above, they may be able to help, then to your local social housing office and apply there. Ask for an appointment with a housing officer and see what they advise. Shelter (a housing charity, easily googleable) may be able to help too.

Does baby;s father work?

ETA Mum and baby placements are for a variety of reasons, mental health, age, and (for you) escaping abusive situations. They are to HELP not to judge. It will give you breathing space and access to professionals who can help you move on to a better place both physically and mentally as I am sure that this has all been so draining for you.

My boyfriend might be making stupid choices lately but he is a good dad.
He uses drugs.
He’s never once been rough or anything does not mean he is a good dad.
and he helps with feeds and baths He helps bathing and feeding his own child does not make him a good dad.
when he’s not out. In other words, you and his mum are bringing up his child, and he occasionally makes a minimal attempt to look not completely worse than useless.

Please get away from this man ❤️ Definitely reach out for support, you should be entitled to help (possibly even housing) as you are under 18. I wouldn’t even tell him you’re leaving, seek support on the quiet and then leave with baby when he’s out. You sound really self aware and mature so please don’t let this low life man ruin things for you. Take care x

@PyongyangKipperbang I have no idea where in the country you are but parent and child placements are very hard to come by, are incredibly expensive so difficult to get authorised even if you can find one and more importantly then approved by senior management. The case would be known to CSWS and in proceedings/PLO after all else has failed. These are experienced foster carers who also take on an assessing role. There is support out there for OP in her situation in my city but a parent and child placement would be totally disproportionate and actually not an option in these circumstances

Sorry for being blunt @Superdead , but we want you and the little one to be safe and to get the opportunities that you can. You sound mature and sensible, and you deserve a better chance at life.

When people are suggesting getting a placement or contacting social services they are not doing so because they think you can't cope on your own, they are just trying to think of safe routes to get you out of the situation where you might be supported. I was 37 when I had my DC and if I was in your situation I would have also struggled if I needed to leave my partner and go it alone. Everyone needs support, and a mother of a baby with a drug using partner and no other family support is vulnerable at any age.

However because of your young age you may be entitled to alot more help, so getting in touch with someone before you are 18 might put you at the top of the pile, especially for housing if you are trying to get your child away from an environment that may expose them to drugs and drug users and your relationship has broken down with your Mum. Noone will take your baby away from you if you are proactively looking for help to raise them safely. Xx

Take care OP, looking for help is an incredible act of maturity, I'm sure you are and will continue to be a wonderful mother, putting your baby's interests front and centre like you are.

Exactly what @Whatwerewetalkingabout said , people just want to help. I do not know where in the country you are and what support is available. In my city, and the area of the city I work in, we have amazing early help support. No judgement, just advice and support and sign-posting and a hand hold to other services if you agree.

I think you are very conscious of your age, and some advice offered here does seem pretty patronising, but I have worked with plenty of parents in their 20s, 30s and 40s in the same situation with the same response. When you have invested in a relationship and have a child together, decisions are very hard what ever your age.

If I was your social worker, on the information you have given, the support I would offer would be,

• talking to you and undertaking some healthy relationship work so you are able to make safe and informed decisions.

-working with specialist housing services if you want to get your own tenancy. As pointed out by PP, this support may drop off a cliff at 18 (not ok, but sadly this is how it is). -work with your son's dad around his drig use and choices and impact on his son and your relationship

• offer of a family group conference if appropriate so extended family/friend support in place

-referral to drugs services for your partner and their family support team for you -link you in with our cluster support so if you want to access their play groups/parenting sessions/counseling etc you can

None of this is rocket science, it is all about support for you as a parent wanting the best for your son. Do not be afraid to seek support. The fact that you are questioning your partner's behavior and looking for support at such an early stage just shows what a protective and great parent you are.

Head to local Council authority, GP, health visitor, citizens advice, Home-start and red cross and ask for help.
Do it now and do it fast.
Once you have where to go, run.
Dont look back on any promises.
You will go through hell financially but you will get there.
And also contact your mom, shes your mom, she wont let you down or turn her back.

He is not a good dad to your child and he isn't a good partner.

Set your sights higher. People are suggesting mum and baby place so you have somewhere safe and free or drugs to raise your child. Somewhere that can be supportive so you can discover your potential whether thats starting a career or returning to education

You have a small person to look out for so start building the future you want for yourself.

I'd try your mother one more time. Tell her she was right, your boyfriend is a loser and a drug user but you need somewhere to get away from him now.

Nobody has suggested that the OP might try to talk to her boyfriend and explain how she feels. Boys tend to mature much later than girls and he may feel quite stressed in having the responsibility of a new baby. His behaviour is undesirable but does it necessarily make him a bad person/boyfriend/father? The OP does not give the impression that he is a horrible person, just a rather weak one.

There are plenty of examples on Mumsnet of much older men behaving incredibly badly towards their partners and children and causing a great deal of anxiety and distress. This young man is only 20 so I feel the OP should speak to him about her concerns and give him a chance to change - unless, of course, he is aggressive or his behaviour poses risks (though the OP says he is not aggressive). If he is unwilling to change, then the OP should seek help from some of the organisations suggested.

superdead I am sorry you have not had support from your Mum and have had to manage without it. It seems your boyfriend's Mum is very busy but I hope she is of some support to you.

I think you are behaving in a very mature and caring way and I hope that you can speak honestly to your boyfriend about your concerns re the drug taking. If he does not change his behaviour then probably you will need to seek professional support from some of the agencies suggested on here. Good luck.

My heart breaks for you, but this man is not a good dad or partner.

The best thing you can be is away from all this behaviour with your baby as it will only get worse.
Try not to be 10/20years in , with another kid or two by him, experiencing the same thing. These things rarely get better!

You sound like a great mum and at your age you would not be short of extra help and support. Please do what is best and leave.

The situation with your mother might improve if you admit she was right. A 19yo drug user preying on a 16yo is hugely problematic. A 20yo with a child who is still using drugs and hasn’t completely shifted his lifestyle is not a good father.

you need to move you and your child away from him. Your mother might be an option if she knows you are trying to keep your contact with him minimal and only for purposes of a good coparenting relationship.

you need help with housing and getting on a career path. If your mother isn’t that refuge, then contact social services and ask them to help you access services while you are still a minor.

Patch things up with your mother, if you can. That will mean throwing your hands up and admitting that you have made sub-optimal life choices.

But, if it rids you of this drug-addled loser, eating crow in a a very small price to pay.

Listen to older, wiser, heads, and focus on improving you and your child’s lot.

I would have been a facking awful parent at seventeen, nevertheless I wish you the best of luck.

You hav put your child in this situation so if you are offered help take it, think about you child not your self get rid of him and speak to your mum and learn from this so hopefully the cycle stops, he will probably always be in your life as sadly he is the child father

Set better standards next time and do what you need to do for your child

Yes, social services will be involved and rightly so. You may not be a danger to your baby but you are underage, with zero earning potential, no support and nowhere safe to live with your child. You need intervention if you are to keep your child with you. You need somewhere safe to live, away from drug taking and smoke, and along term plan to make sure you can provide for your child.

Go to the council and go on the waiting list for a flat; say you want to leave your partner.

He isn’t going to be a good committed Dad if he’s smoking weed continually - well done for putting your baby first. You sound like a great Mum; congratulations on the birth of your baby.

Reach out to social services and Home Start for help. Contact your health visitor too. You will get support and they will not take your baby away - they can advise you and try and assist you with new accommodation.

Do you have any other trusted family?

If you do split with your partner don’t let him have unsupervised access to your child. He’s a risk with strange men around and the drugs. Good luck - you can do this.

I don’t have any better advice than other people have said, but I just want to say that if I were in your situation, I wouldn’t want to try to live with my mother again either. Your son should not be around someone who talks about how his existence has “ruined your life,” and even if she never says that around him, it’ll come out in her behavior in a thousand tiny ways that she doesn’t love him.

Hi OP, I used to be a volunteer telephone counsellor at Childline, I strongly recommend calling them and asking for advice. Make sure you mention you're 17 - if they think you're an adult they wouldn't be able to offer yoy the service. They offer total confidentiality, more than if you speak to any other healthcare worker/social worker/police etc, and they are trained to take the time to talk you through what your options are and what YOU want- they've heard it all and don't judge, they don't force things on you that you don't want to do, and they can signpost you to different services and help you work out what you want to do. They can only ever break confidentiality if there is an immediate risk of someone dying (if so they would tell you beforehand), otherwise they actually aren't allowed to break confidentiality even for ongoing abuse etc (you can also ask them to explain to you what the confidentiality rules are at the start of your phone call before you give any information, if you want). They take confidentiality really seriously because they know that true change can only come from the person, so their main goal is to support you to work out what you need and want to do. Good luck OP, you sound like a lovely mum!

.................unless, of course, he is aggressive or his behaviour poses risks (though the OP says he is not aggressive)

That's not quite what @Superdead actually said.

"He used to get into fights with other lads before the baby came along"

So he has definite tendencies towards aggression.

The boyfriend clearly has poor impulse control.

He is still using drugs (it used to be weed and now he's added in harder drugs) and he's staying out till all hours.

When he's at home he spends hours on his phone (ignoring the OP and his baby) and he leaves drug paraphernalia lying about.

When the baby is a little older, the baby will pick these things up and put them into his mouth, because that's what babies do.

He's not a great dad and, ultimately, you're pretty much still a child yourself. That doesn't mean you can't be a brilliant and responsible mum, you sound like you are - you want to protect your baby, and if protecting your baby means ending the relationship, that's what you need to do.

The baby’s father is doing what a lot of people his age do, difference being they’re not parents. This should have stopped when he became a parent and he needs to grow up. He might not like it but this is the consequences of his decisions. Sadly you can’t make him do that and he is showing no signs of making that decision himself because he is not a good dad. Your child isn’t a doll that he can play daddy for a bit and then sod off and leave because he’s had a better offer.

You and your baby deserve better.

I presume you would now do anything on the world to protect your baby? That you love it more than anything? I’d put money on that being how your mum feels about you. That she could see what a difficult time you’d be facing with this immature bellend as a baby dad and she tried everything she could to help you avoid that.

You may not see this now but you need to accept whatever help is available to you from trustworthy people, that will give you a foundation to build the life you hoped you’d have when you fell pregnant.

Not being rough and helping out a bit doesn't make a good dad I'm afraid OP. You know you have to get out of there, which is hard I know as you live with his mum. I agree with another poster who said do it now before you turn 18, as if you're homeless before 18, the council are obliged to help you I think, Good luck!

You are right that social services would get involved OP, but that isn't a bad thing. They would be able to sign post you towards the right support and help you apply for housing.
It is hard doing it alone, but that is much preferable to doing it with a man that poses a risk to your child because of his behaviour - the social services involvement will be quite different down the line if you stay.