To be upset by this comment from my mum?

[ffsmumouch]

My mum has been going on and on at me for Christmas present ideas.

She hasn’t accepted that I just want money, so I told her I’d appreciate a contribution to a little hair makeover, I want to go from blonde to my natural brunette.

She’s come back and told me she won’t do it because she thinks it won’t look good on me and I suit being blonde a lot more.

To be honest it’s just upset me a little because I want to make the change and I don’t really see the need to say it, just say you’d rather buy me something tangible (I’ll just ask for a stock up of skincare etc)

I’m genuinely not bothered about the hair. I’ll have the money to do it myself. I just mentioned it would be nice because I think it would be a nice confidence boost for me, it’s a full change in my hair (blonde to brown). She responded by saying it would look bad and that’s what upset me. It’s not about the money but what she said.

I think we all need people we trust to give their honest opinion. Your mother doesn’t need to be your ‘yes man’. If she truly doesn’t believe a hairstyle will suit you then I think it’s ok for her to say that.

If my sister had bought an outfit for an important event and I really didn’t think it flattered her then I would tell her (assuming that she had time to return it for something else — If she were on her way out the door to the event then I’d keep quiet obviously).

I think this is the same. It’s your hair and your decision, but she’s allowed voice an opinion as your mother. That’s assuming she has your best interests at heart of course. Most mothers do, but I don’t know yours.

ETA Also remember in this case she has to imagine what your new hair will look like. Maybe the picture in her head doesn’t match the one in yours. It’s hard to know what a new hairstyle or colour might be like.

I think turning round and going “well it’ll look shit” when I’ve told her I think it’ll be a confidence boost for me isn’t being honest, it’s been unnecessarily mean.

The sort of people who refuse to give money (so tacky) or to buy a gift requested by the recipient, even if it means going against the recepient's wishes, seldom manage to give a gift that is full of 'happiness and charm', as they are the sort of people that always think they know best, despite all the evidence to the contrary.

Were those her words @ffsmumouch? Because you said upthread she said it wouldn’t ‘look good’.

I give my children money, but I like to give them something to unwrap too, so maybe she wants to do that? Does she like shopping? Going out to buy a gift, wrap it, get a card, watch you open it… if she doesn’t have many people to buy for and they just want money then it’s not very eventful.

But I do see why you want money rather than something you won’t use. Could you ask for something you typically buy and then put some of your $ towards your hair?

OP is going to have her hair done how she wants it anyway. Her mum's unwanted and unneeded intervention has just caused an unnecessary rift between OP and her mum.

Normally people who 'tell it like it is' and give their 'honest opinions' are not very popular. What makes you more qualified than your sister to choose an outfit for an important event?

OP's mum sounds overbearing and quite unkind.

She’s said multiple things about it in the course of the conversation. Basically all amounting to the fact that my natural hair colour will apparently look shit on me 😂

She does it all online. Like I’ve said, because she’s so insistent I will be given her debit card and left to pick what I want and order it within a certain budget.

It’s not to do with wanting to pick it herself

I’m not more qualified, she’s better than me at that sort of thing. But two heads are better than one and I know she trusts me to help her and not see her wrong. So I’ll keep that trust.

She’s choosing not to give money so there’s no issue about dictating what it’s spent on

So her Christmas present to you is all about what she wants? Tedious.

Tell her you're fine, no gift necessary. She'll likely buy some tat you don't want. What's the point?

Do you not understand that my issue isn’t the money, but the rudeness?

Totally understand. My mother has form for similar. A PP suggested a decent response - don’t let her get to you, OP. I hope you get the colour!

Using a seemingly benevolent question like ‘what would you like for Christmas?’ as an opportunity to give you unsolicited opinions about your hair is a masterstroke of shithousery. If you wanted her feedback on that, you’d ask for it. That’s how it works in emotionally intelligent conversations where folk want an honest answer to their questions and only ask questions they want an honest answer to—something your mum seems to be finding difficult to grasp.

I wouldn’t much want anything from her. It sounds as though she’s the type to use gift-giving as a means of control and I’m not playing those games.

That sounds so like my mum was
i would ask for one thing costing say £50, maybe a nice eyeshadow palette and she would say no
i would get over £50 worth of crap that I would never use including a £5 eyeshadow palette

The issue isn’t about gifting something she doesn’t agree with, it’s the fact that her mother is telling her that her natural hair colour that she was born with is ugly. Would you say that to your kids?

She’s going back to her natural hair colour. Telling your daughter that their natural looks doesn’t suit them & they shouldn’t have their natural colour because you don’t like it is just awful

Not controlling. But say they are saving towards buying a house or having IVF or some other thing that is expensive. If that’s what they’d rather have surely that’s more important than what you feel like on Christmas morning?

Yes because for many many people that money is what they need more than another bottle of bubble bath they won’t use. That’s not tasteless it’s reality.

Your mum is a controlling twat. What has she asked for for Christmas? Tell her you won’t be getting it because you don’t agree with it.

Giving a person a gift isn’t (or shouldn’t) be about you and making you feel good. It’s about the other person and what would make THEM feel good. How utterly self obsesssd do you have to be to make giving a gift about you.

She asked you what you want.
You told her what you want.
Each time she asks you again, remind her what you've already told her.
End of conversation.

If my daughter wanted a tattoo I’d tell they are vile whether she wanted to pay for it or not

Is your mum rude to you often?