i care too much what people think so here goes...

BlueDwarf · 13/11/2025 15:33

My answer would be very different if you had children, but as the only persons feelings you really have to consider are your own then you should go for it.

Whether it is temporary or lasts, if it makes you feel better then why not.

Donnyoh · 13/11/2025 15:34

I'm sorry for your loss Op. Don't you worry about what others think about dating someone new. You're always going to get busybodies who think they have the right to judge others. Just make sure your new partner treats you right.

I dated a widowed man and some people didn't like it. They can go fly a kite.

NarwhalBuddy · 13/11/2025 15:34

I agree with pp. I think you need to follow your happiness.

frozendaisy · 13/11/2025 15:35

Do your parents need to know right now?

MintTwirl · 13/11/2025 15:35

Allow yourself the chance to find happiness again. I’m sorry you have been through a difficult time,

XWKD · 13/11/2025 15:35

I'm so sorry for your loss.

Maybe keep this to yourself a bit longer if you don't want people sticking their noses in, but otherwise I'm so glad you found someone and you should be able to shout it from the rooftops if you want. Nobody can say you're doing anything wrong. You're not.

CatAsstrophe · 13/11/2025 15:41

I'm sorry for your loss @flangebuckets

Everyone deserves happiness in their lives, and if your new relationship makes you happy, go for it!

I wish you all the best for the future. 🌻

Itsnotallaboutyoulikeyouthink · 13/11/2025 15:45

You can do as you please but as a widow myself (widowed at 38) whilst you may think this is ok now you may not think that yourself in a few months or a year. You will still be grieving and that grief changes all the time. ATM it’s still raw and feeling wanted and needed is part of grief. I physically feel sick when I think back to a one night stand I had and that was three years after he passed.

Original poster

flangebuckets · 13/11/2025 15:46

frozendaisy · 13/11/2025 15:35

Do your parents need to know right now?

i mean its a bit difficult as i hate lying, so when they ask what have you been up to..

"oh nothing" doesn't seam like an honest answer

equally if i say i've been x,y,z "what alone?, who with?" i'd just be digging a hole

its not like im going to go onto a balcony hire a plane with a banner and 'announce' it but its how conversations work i guess.

OP posts:

DaisyChain505 · 13/11/2025 15:47

Life is far too short to pass up a possible chance of happiness.

Having someone else in your life doesn’t mean that you don’t/didn’t love your husband. It means that he is sadly no longer here and you’re playing the cards you’ve been dealt and trying to grab some happiness somewhere.

Good luck.

tanstaafl · 13/11/2025 15:48

Itsnotallaboutyoulikeyouthink · 13/11/2025 15:45

You can do as you please but as a widow myself (widowed at 38) whilst you may think this is ok now you may not think that yourself in a few months or a year. You will still be grieving and that grief changes all the time. ATM it’s still raw and feeling wanted and needed is part of grief. I physically feel sick when I think back to a one night stand I had and that was three years after he passed.

Though you feel that within yourself, the OP is all about worrying what others might think/feel.

WilderHawthorn · 13/11/2025 15:48

Go for it and be happy!

JaneEyre40 · 13/11/2025 15:49

flangebuckets · 13/11/2025 15:31

i dont even know why i should care, im 48 im not getting any younger but somehow i do worry what people will think...

my husband died in feb (cancer), and i met someone about 6 weeks ago, well we were friends for longer and are dating now, i just worry what everyone else thinks, i dont have kids its just me my parents and some close friends.

with the state of people in their late 40s, i dont want to waste this chance but equally theres a nagging thought in my head of what people will think, why is my brain even working like that?

i mean im overthinking it probably but i have my parents over this weekend and perhaps thought about mentioning it to them

lifes short i need to live it? i might be dead next year too who knows

internet do your thing and put this into perspective?

The state of people in their 40s....oh I lolled. It's true.

Do IT. Do whatever the fuck you want. Sorry for your loss x

houseofisms · 13/11/2025 15:50

If it helps…. I’m 45, I got diagnosed with a whopping great colon tumour on my birthday. We spent 2 months thinking the worst due to the size of it and everything else.

so many conversations I needed to have but one of the main ones was to tell my partner (of 6 yrs whom offered instantly to bring up my 9yo daughter which is not his) that I never wanted him to feel guilt for meeting someone else. I didn’t want to die knowing that he would be sitting there being miserable for the rest of his life and whilst bringing up my daughter. I made it very clear that I would want him to move on when the time was right x

EmeraldShamrock000 · 13/11/2025 15:50

Itsnotallaboutyoulikeyouthink · 13/11/2025 15:45

You can do as you please but as a widow myself (widowed at 38) whilst you may think this is ok now you may not think that yourself in a few months or a year. You will still be grieving and that grief changes all the time. ATM it’s still raw and feeling wanted and needed is part of grief. I physically feel sick when I think back to a one night stand I had and that was three years after he passed.

I agree with this.
Make sure you arent throwing yourself into a relationship because of grief.
It makes a person act impulsive sometimes, especially if they got into the relationship at a very low point in their life, is it lust, you'll know yourself.

Original poster

flangebuckets · 13/11/2025 15:50

Itsnotallaboutyoulikeyouthink · 13/11/2025 15:45

You can do as you please but as a widow myself (widowed at 38) whilst you may think this is ok now you may not think that yourself in a few months or a year. You will still be grieving and that grief changes all the time. ATM it’s still raw and feeling wanted and needed is part of grief. I physically feel sick when I think back to a one night stand I had and that was three years after he passed.

i totally get that, 99% of the time im fine, the other 1%...

he understands that more than most as hes been through something similar

i think it makes you realise how fragile and short life can be, thats the best way i can explain it and i just feel like a chance at something is better than regretting not taking it in years to come.

OP posts:

TeachesOfPeaches · 13/11/2025 15:52

Some people will think you’ve moved on too quickly. As he was a friend first, some may suspect you were having an affair. It’s up to you whether to be bothered by that or not.

PictureParfait · 13/11/2025 15:52

TBH OP, many people will think it's "too soon". So you may as well face that, and decide how you're going to deal with it.

PictureParfait · 13/11/2025 15:53

TeachesOfPeaches · 13/11/2025 15:52

Some people will think you’ve moved on too quickly. As he was a friend first, some may suspect you were having an affair. It’s up to you whether to be bothered by that or not.

Ha ha, cross post! I agree. You're going to get judgement, decide how to deal with it. My advice would be to not change what you're doing, but to face the realities and head into them with open eyes.

Mischance · 13/11/2025 15:56

Losing your life's partner truly concentrates the mind and makes you realise life is short and uncertain. I have felt like this since OH died.
Please live your life .... never mind what others think.

MrsBennetsPoorNervesAreBack · 13/11/2025 15:59

I don't think there is any right or wrong way to grieve.

If there are people in your life who are likely to judge you, know that their opinions don't really matter. Those who truly care about you will only want to see you happy.

You have to live your life in the way that feels right to you. Only you can decide whether or not you are really ready for another relationship. Take each day as it comes.

I hope that you find happiness, however you decide to move forwards.

Enrichetta · 13/11/2025 15:59

Rather than making a big announcement, or alternatively trying to keep the relationship secret, can you gently ease your new partner into your life.

Original poster

flangebuckets · 13/11/2025 16:00

PictureParfait · 13/11/2025 15:52

TBH OP, many people will think it's "too soon". So you may as well face that, and decide how you're going to deal with it.

the 'dont give a shit' part of me likes to think ill ask them to create a committee so i can apply for release from being a lonely widow.

from the many therapy groups i've been to i see two sorts of people after such grief, the ones where it becomes their life and identity, and those who repair and heal.

i want to be the latter.

OP posts:

sofiamofia · 13/11/2025 16:00

Life is short, enjoy it, you're not hurting anyone.

I had a similar issue in my wider family where a childless widow moved on less than a year after her husband died. All his siblings took great umbrage to this but they all had spouses and children to go home to every night. I thought how dare they deem that this lovely woman deserves loneliness just because of the misfortune of her husbands's death while they all lived in comfort with their large families.

TreeDudette · 13/11/2025 16:03

I am sorry for your loss but I don't think there are rules about how long you need to wait before exploring something new. If you feel ready then date, have fun and it would still be ok to occasionally have a little cry about your tragic loss whilst also enjoying a new connection. People aren't black and white - we can feel more than one thing at once!