i care too much what people think so here goes...

[flangebuckets]

i dont even know why i should care, im 48 im not getting any younger but somehow i do worry what people will think...

my husband died in feb (cancer), and i met someone about 6 weeks ago, well we were friends for longer and are dating now, i just worry what everyone else thinks, i dont have kids its just me my parents and some close friends.

with the state of people in their late 40s, i dont want to waste this chance but equally theres a nagging thought in my head of what people will think, why is my brain even working like that?

i mean im overthinking it probably but i have my parents over this weekend and perhaps thought about mentioning it to them

lifes short i need to live it? i might be dead next year too who knows

internet do your thing and put this into perspective?

Im so sorry for your loss and im guessing that the last period of your relationship was spent caring for your husband and your grieving will have been ongoing long before he died (I remember my mum looking after my dad in the last year of his life with cancer which was horrificand traumatic).

You are still young and you have every right to meet someone new. Go for it. Its nobody's business but yours.

There's a book called "The Let Them Theory" by Mel Robbins - I'd recommend it. It talks about exactly this and how to overcome caring what people think.

I've just finished reading it and a good example which came from the book is when Mel was unsure of what to do for a certain Saturday because she had conflicting plans, and it was either go to both events, and be a bit late to both or choose one and cancel the other (or something like that) and she explained that regardless of what the outcome is, despite your best efforts you can't please everybody, so you might as well please yourself.

What have you been up to?

I went to see The Mousetrap at the theatre.

Alone?

No I went with a man called Bob, he's nice, good company, if one of us wants to do something we ask each other and generally go along if we don't have any other plans.

It isn't lying, it just isn't disclosing the bedroom nature of your private adult relationship, which is perfectly fine.

If your parents ask, could this build up to a relationship you can answer, again fairly truthfully, I don't know. Because you don't right now.

If they show any hint of disapproval, you know them best would they?, of a widow dating so soon, then you get the information you need to keep the nature of your relationship private for a bit longer, but if they seem fine, keen even, for you to be with someone whatever the nature of the relationship then perhaps tell them a bit more next meet up.

He's a friend.
He's nice
We enjoy each other's company
It's better than sitting in alone

You can tell them almost everything, except the bedroom bits if you want to basically.

@flangebuckets

If you are happy (despite your grief) and enjoying your time with this man, who cares what others think?

As far as your parents, is there a reason why you think they'll disapprove? If so there's no need to 'announce' it or start a conversation about it.

Them; "What have you been up to?
You; "I've been x,y,z"
Them; "what alone?, who with?"
You; "Oh, it was really great" then launch into a long story about what-/wherever it was. Follow up with asking them something that requires a long answer.

In other words dodge and deflect until you're ready to share.

Personally, I wouldn't disapprove on a 'moral ground' (ie 'proper respect') if one of my DC started dating/seeing someone 9 months after being widowed, my only concern would be whether or not they were emotionally ready or were vulnerable to someone taking advantage.

Exactly this.
Enjoy OP, you deserve it.

My Stepdad met someone else less than a year after my Mum died 5 years ago.

Me and my brother were both happy for him, my DP was less so, she felt it was disrespecting my Mum in some way. She never said anything to him though, and I'd have been deeply disappointed in her if she had.

At the end of the day, people are going to have opinions about this. You have no control over this. The only control you have is whether you let them affect you or not.

I wouldn't lie to anyone about it. If people ask what you've been up to, tell them, if they ask with who, then say a friend. If they start getting too nosy, then tell them none of your business.

Personally, I appreciated that my StepDad got in touch with me to let me know that he'd met someone, that it was very early days but that he didn't want me to find out through the grapevine or bump into them and be sideswiped. You might consider doing the same with your husbands family. But you don't have to. At the end of the day, their opinion doesn't matter. It's your life, not theirs.

You have the capacity to love so go for it.

My dad took up with an old girlfriend quite soon after my mum died. Others judged him but I didn’t. There’s no right length of time. I think it shows that he was happily married and had a loving heart that had room for more.

It really doesn't matter what other people think. But allow yourself to take control of the situation. You don't need to tell them yet. They don't need to meet him yet. Give it a few months. Maybe mention him as a friend if he is around at Christmas. Take your time sharing the news with others until you are ready to tell them and care less what they think, and enjoy the relationship meantime.

As no kids I would follow your gut. Until you know where this is heading , do your parents need to know? Maybe just mention that you’ve been seeing someone and enjoying their company but keep it vague for now.

None of the people who criticise are sitting with you alone at night. It's none of their business. So what if you are acting through grief as someone else has said - it's your life, your choice and your way ( maybe) of getting through a difficult time. It may not last but it may. Do what helps you to move forward.

In all honesty I would have said 2-3 years a while ago. But a friend lost her husband and she was with someone else 6 months later. You're right, life is so very short and who knows what will happen tomorrow.

Lost my husband 10 years ago, I was 39.
I met someone 6 weeks later and we are still together now.
My circumstances are probably different as I nursed my husband through terminal cancer and then found out he cheated. I didnt find out until after he had died...

Anyway I wasn't looking for anyone but I was lucky to meet someone where everything clicked into place.
I started to slowly feel love again and I started to love myself too.
I stopped caring what any body else thought, as they were not living my life and quite frankly after the death, they weren't the ones sitting alone every night with the thoughts I had in my head.
We only have one life. Grab happiness.

There is nothing wrong with starting a relationship but 6 weeks seems a little early to start telling people. I would keep quiet until I definitely knew he was a keeper but if you know that at such an early stage then that’s fine.

I'm sorry about your husband.

Lufe is for living so I see absolutely nothing wrong with dating again. There's no way of knowing if it's too soon, you only know thst in the fullness of time.

I wouldn't tell anyone under any circumstances about someone I had only dating 6 weeks. I might tell friends the odd time but have never told family or colleagues until at leasr 6 months and I know it's got potential.

They might be pleased for you perhaps you will be surprised. I don't see why people would care only to be concerned that you are ok. I would be open and honest best way.

You don't have kids and inheritance issues to consider, so what you do is your call.

I would say protect your finances and be proceed with caution. I found there are some very predatory men out there who thinks widows are easy pickings.

My situation was different, my husband died of cancer when our kids were teens so there was no way I was going to get serious about someone and move them in or marry them. My financial advisor even asked if I was planning on remarrying.

It's really nobody's business but yours that you're dating someone. You've only been dating a few weeks, there's really nothing to tell. If someone finds out and disapproves, tough. It's not their life.

Life is too short to pass on opportunities to be happy. I’m sorry for your loss, but you’re still young and you have many years to live and enjoy ahead of you. The dating pool is pretty grim so if you’ve connected with someone who’s good for you then go for it and be happy.
You could talk about him as a friend who understands your situation so it doesn’t feel as if you’re being deceptive? But ultimately you’re an adult and can decide how you want to live your life.

People are going to talk, say it’s too soon etc. especially those who were close to your husband.

People that love you will nonetheless be happy if you’re happy. If you think you’re ready to have a relationship, that’s really all that matters.

I’m widowed too, and one thing I have learned for certain, is that people will judge you. Not just for a new relationship, but for everything. Usually because they have a preconceived idea of how they think they would or should behave in the same situation, but the truth is, they haven’t got a clue. This makes their opinions worthless, but people will probably be polite enough not to say anything anyway. You need to make peace with allowing them to think what they want, while carrying on doing what you know makes sense for your own life. Your heart can grow even while it’s grieving.

I would say don’t make any big life altering decisions any time soon, but that won’t be a problem if the new relationship is right.

The same people who will judge you are the first to disappear after the dust is settled. They aren't sitting in with you on the lonely dark nights.

I wish you all the luck and peace in the world.

Everyone is different. Do what feels right for you.

I like the phrase about judgemental folk/worrying what people thing - ‘those who matter don’t care, those who care don’t matter.’

My aunt remarried six months after her husband died. She didn't need anyone else's approval.

It’s possible that you have done your grieving while they were still here. It’s no one business but your own.

as for what to tell your parents, my approach was to say I had got to know a group of people, who enjoyed each others company and had no family ties.

use a few different names when referring to the group. All good.

What @frozendaisy said above.
I wish you luck.

You’re not beholden to anyone.
Enjoy the time you have x