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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think it would be nice for them to come to us for once

66 replies

Doghatestherain · 13/11/2025 12:18

Live abroad, go back to the uk at Christmas and sometimes summer, parents come over two times, usually Easter & late summer.
I was thinking this year that it would be nice if parents could come to us at Christmas. Dm says she won’t as doesn’t want to leave Dsis and Db (both in their 40’s) Ddis has two Dc 18 & 20 and isn’t into Christmas at all, Db is alone but could join Dsis I’m sure
We have a 7 year old and ddog and travelling, sorting the dog, presents etc is hard. I was thinking how lovely it would be to have dd wake up in her home, i’d cook a lovely Christmas dinner for my parents and spoil them. It’s usually sunny and a bit warmer, we could have lovely walks. They’ve never missed an xmas with my siblings but I’ve had a few with just us

Aibu?

OP posts:
Upsetbetty · 13/11/2025 12:19

Then stay home…you don’t HAVE to go home. Give yourself a break.

edit it to actually answer your question, but yes, it would be nice for them to visit you but I have a experience in this and they won’t because they don’t have to and they know that. I say stay home then next year they might come to you.

Original poster
Doghatestherain · 13/11/2025 12:20

Upsetbetty · 13/11/2025 12:19

Then stay home…you don’t HAVE to go home. Give yourself a break.

edit it to actually answer your question, but yes, it would be nice for them to visit you but I have a experience in this and they won’t because they don’t have to and they know that. I say stay home then next year they might come to you.

Edited

I’d love them to come to us. Dm is not willing to have Christmas without my siblings, but isn’t bothered about us with a younger grandchild

OP posts:
ButtonMushrooms · 13/11/2025 12:21

YANBU to suggest it and invite them, but as they've said no, then obviously you can't make them come. So I guess you either travel or you don't see them this year.

Upsetbetty · 13/11/2025 12:22

Doghatestherain · 13/11/2025 12:20

I’d love them to come to us. Dm is not willing to have Christmas without my siblings, but isn’t bothered about us with a younger grandchild

Show quote history

Let them! There is no need for you to take that on. stay home, let your DC wake up in their own home, have a lovely relaxing day as a family unit, enjoy the walks and quality time and ultimately save the money and the hassle ! I know I would

Onefortheroad25 · 13/11/2025 12:22

Just don’t go. Stay home and have a nice Xmas with yourselves.

Original poster
Doghatestherain · 13/11/2025 12:23

ButtonMushrooms · 13/11/2025 12:21

YANBU to suggest it and invite them, but as they've said no, then obviously you can't make them come. So I guess you either travel or you don't see them this year.

I’ve not officially asked them, but have mentioned in passing. Df would love to come, it’s Dm. I don’t understand why my grown siblings can’t possibly be left, but we can.

OP posts:
Dacatspjs · 13/11/2025 12:24

I don't think it's very fair to move abroad and then decide that other people have to travel to you. Surely if you go back you can enjoy time with your siblings as well as your parents?

Original poster
Doghatestherain · 13/11/2025 12:25

Dacatspjs · 13/11/2025 12:24

I don't think it's very fair to move abroad and then decide that other people have to travel to you. Surely if you go back you can enjoy time with your siblings as well as your parents?

Yes which we have done nearly every time and enjoy it, but it’s expensive, stressful, not the same as being at home. I realise we are abroad, but perhaps just one time would be nice, even the novelty of it

OP posts:
Surprisedcupcake · 13/11/2025 12:25

It would be nice and you should definitely suggest it, but I also don't think you should have any expectations that anyone should visit you since it was your choice to move abroad. You also aren't obligated to travel to them either.

Upsetbetty · 13/11/2025 12:26

Dacatspjs · 13/11/2025 12:24

I don't think it's very fair to move abroad and then decide that other people have to travel to you. Surely if you go back you can enjoy time with your siblings as well as your parents?

@Doghatestherain I was coming on to say quite the opposite of this really but it’s actually just proving my point. People think they’re just because you choose to move abroad that it’s therefore your problem to make the contact and to come home to visit people but it’s really a two-way street. It’s not an expectation for anyone, but you made the offer and she has said no (or at least you think she’ll say no) that is not your problem to fix. Just because you moved abroad doesn’t mean that she gets to guilt trip you into coming home every Christmas. Go home if you want to go home stay where you are if that’s what you want to also, there is no right wrong! And the sooner you realise that you can let all of the emotions associated with it the sooner you’ll make a decision that suits you best.

ButtonMushrooms · 13/11/2025 12:26

At least it sounds like they share the travelling generally OP (you travel twice a year and they travel twice a year). I think lots of families would expect you to do more of the travelling as you moved away.

SparklyGlitterballs · 13/11/2025 12:32

It always surprises me when people move far away or abroad and then get frustrated when people choose not to travel to them. You chose to move away OP. Maybe your DP don't want the expense of having to travel to you. Some people are set in their ways and your DM obviously likes having all her family around at Christmas. You moving away has made that awkward to achieve.

Does your DH not have any family who want to visit or spend Christmas with you?

ButItFeelsLikeYoureFlirtingWithMe · 13/11/2025 12:37

your parents sound very similar to my mother on this. Two of my siblings live in different places. She visits them throughout the year, but at Christmas she declines, and just opens her to any us who chose to visit. She won’t travel to one ‘child’, because that means her actively choosing not to see the others. This way we decide whether or no we see her, rather than (in her eyes. We’ve all said we don’t care) her choosing a ‘preferred child’.

HoskinsChoice · 13/11/2025 12:40

Why don't you invite your siblings too and have a proper family Christmas without enforcing a separate Christmas for everyone?Probably too late this year but consider it for next year?

You mention sun and walks - we can do that all year. At Christmas, I want cosy and cold and English festive traditions. It may be there is more than just family reasons that's putting the off, I'd hate to spend Christmas abroad - maybe they would too?

Moveoverdarlin · 13/11/2025 12:42

Doghatestherain · 13/11/2025 12:23

I’ve not officially asked them, but have mentioned in passing. Df would love to come, it’s Dm. I don’t understand why my grown siblings can’t possibly be left, but we can.

Show quote history

Because you chose to move abroad.

StaringAtTheWater · 13/11/2025 12:49

Sorry, I do think you're being a bit unreasonable here. It's fine to suggest it but they aren't obliged to come. It sounds like they visit you twice a year, which is a decent amount considering you live abroad. You're suggesting they are chosing your siblings over their grandchild, but that's probably not how they see it. It's likely in their eyes they think they should spend Christmas with your DB as he doesn't have a partner, whereas their grandson has you and his dad, and you all have each other.

reversingdumptruckwithnotyreson · 13/11/2025 12:53

Doghatestherain · 13/11/2025 12:23

I’ve not officially asked them, but have mentioned in passing. Df would love to come, it’s Dm. I don’t understand why my grown siblings can’t possibly be left, but we can.

Show quote history

It’s a bit last minute then, the flights will be quite expensive.

I stopped going back to my home country for Christmas because it was just prohibitive and stressful.

TheBirches · 13/11/2025 12:54

Ultimately you can't control what anyone else chooses to do. You can explicitly invite them, absolutely, and let them know that you definitely won't be travelling for Christmas this year, but you can't compel them to visit you. That's up to them, as it should be.

What you can do is decide that it's a win-win situation, as far as you are concerned. Whatever your parents choose to do, you know you're not travelling, and that you will be either having a nice Christmas in your own house with your parents, or a nice Christmas in your own house with just you. Either way, your child gets to wake up in her own bed, and you don't have to try to conceal her FC presents in your luggage while travelling, or have them delivered to your parents' house or whatever. You can't lose.

ToKittyornottoKitty · 13/11/2025 12:55

Doghatestherain · 13/11/2025 12:23

I’ve not officially asked them, but have mentioned in passing. Df would love to come, it’s Dm. I don’t understand why my grown siblings can’t possibly be left, but we can.

Show quote history

Because you are the ones who moved abroad, and so she’d have to leave them and her home and pay all the extra money for it, and possibly have Christmas under a different climate? Just stay and have Christmas on your own

OnlyMabelInTheBuilding · 13/11/2025 13:04

Because they haven’t moved away so they have more of an ongoing relationship with them.

I say this as a sibling who moved away.

TheDutchHouse · 13/11/2025 13:22

Hi DM & DD
we’ve decided to give DD a magical Xmas at home this year, one where she ( and us) can enjoy the festivities in our own home.
Let us know if you can make it , understand if you can’t and look forward to seeing you next year .
Love from Dogshatetherain 😊

Coconutter24 · 13/11/2025 13:34

Let them know you plan to stay home this year, let them know they are welcome to come and stay with you and then they can decide if they stay home or visit.

Buffs · 14/11/2025 18:32

Invite your parents. If they don’t come have your Christmas at home just the way you want it.

Vaxtable · 14/11/2025 18:43

Dacatspjs · 13/11/2025 12:24

I don't think it's very fair to move abroad and then decide that other people have to travel to you. Surely if you go back you can enjoy time with your siblings as well as your parents?

Read the post!

Vaxtable · 14/11/2025 18:44

I would stay at home this year. Then in January invite your parents and siblings to have Christmas with you next year. They have months to save for fares or decide not to come.

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