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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think it would be nice for them to come to us for once

66 replies

Doghatestherain · 13/11/2025 12:18

Live abroad, go back to the uk at Christmas and sometimes summer, parents come over two times, usually Easter & late summer.
I was thinking this year that it would be nice if parents could come to us at Christmas. Dm says she won’t as doesn’t want to leave Dsis and Db (both in their 40’s) Ddis has two Dc 18 & 20 and isn’t into Christmas at all, Db is alone but could join Dsis I’m sure
We have a 7 year old and ddog and travelling, sorting the dog, presents etc is hard. I was thinking how lovely it would be to have dd wake up in her home, i’d cook a lovely Christmas dinner for my parents and spoil them. It’s usually sunny and a bit warmer, we could have lovely walks. They’ve never missed an xmas with my siblings but I’ve had a few with just us

Aibu?

OP posts:
Libellousness · 14/11/2025 18:48

Doghatestherain · 13/11/2025 12:23

I’ve not officially asked them, but have mentioned in passing. Df would love to come, it’s Dm. I don’t understand why my grown siblings can’t possibly be left, but we can.

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It sounds like your brother is on his own while you have a family? I can fully understand why your mother would be more concerned about making sure he has somewhere to go over spending Christmas with you. Can you not invite your brother to come too?

Silverbirchleaf · 14/11/2025 18:50

You don’t have to travel home every year. Stay at home .

BlueMum16 · 14/11/2025 18:51

Doghatestherain · 13/11/2025 12:25

Yes which we have done nearly every time and enjoy it, but it’s expensive, stressful, not the same as being at home. I realise we are abroad, but perhaps just one time would be nice, even the novelty of it

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I don't think you can invite them for this year as it's too soon but presumably you are with them this year just say we're staying home next year and would love if you'd come and see DD open her gifts.

The ball is in their court then.

Whaleandsnail6 · 14/11/2025 18:52

ButtonMushrooms · 13/11/2025 12:26

At least it sounds like they share the travelling generally OP (you travel twice a year and they travel twice a year). I think lots of families would expect you to do more of the travelling as you moved away.

I agree with this.

I also think there is no obligation for you to come back to parents for Christmas. You want to spend Christmas at home, so do. Arrange a visit for before or after Christmas.

OriginalUsername2 · 14/11/2025 18:56

SparklyGlitterballs · 13/11/2025 12:32

It always surprises me when people move far away or abroad and then get frustrated when people choose not to travel to them. You chose to move away OP. Maybe your DP don't want the expense of having to travel to you. Some people are set in their ways and your DM obviously likes having all her family around at Christmas. You moving away has made that awkward to achieve.

Does your DH not have any family who want to visit or spend Christmas with you?

Me too. It’s a huge life decision and fair enough if you want to do it. But to expect other people to travel to the random place you decided on as a regular part of their life is asking a lot. If they love visiting and have the money, time and energy, fair enough.

CraftyGin · 14/11/2025 18:58

We had this issue when our children were small. We went to the inlaws a few times. One year, we just said we weren't doing it. MIL said that was absolutely fine as that's was their attitude when their DCs were little.

You see your family enough. Enjoy your peaceful, stress-free, Christmas.

firstofallimadelight · 14/11/2025 19:12

It would be unreasonable to invite at short notice but you could say next year you would love them to come(can you invite siblings too?) and if they come great I

Pfpppl · 14/11/2025 19:17

I have the opposite problem. BIL lives abroad and PIL have never been there for Xmas, so we always have to entertain them!

I'd stay at home if I were you. Tell your parents they are welcome to come and accept that if they don't want to then you can't make them. YANBU to be disappointed though.

Caiti19 · 14/11/2025 19:23

Doghatestherain · 13/11/2025 12:20

I’d love them to come to us. Dm is not willing to have Christmas without my siblings, but isn’t bothered about us with a younger grandchild

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I think this goes with the territory of being the one who moved abroad, unfortunately. You no doubt gain a lot, but a lot is sacrificed too. I think it's unfair to ask parents to spend Christmas away if they like spending it at home.

FancyBiscuitsLevel · 14/11/2025 19:30

invite your siblings too?

Onceisenoughta · 15/11/2025 04:49

Maybe DM doesn't want to uptip the applecart by changing the routine with DS & DB at xmas - it seems unfair in one way but depending on personalities within the family it may cause bigger problems than she's willing to face. What is your relationship like with DM, DS & DB? Is there any sibling rivalry? Do your sister & brother ever visit you?

Copperoliverbear · 15/11/2025 05:08

Stay home and enjoy your own family Christmas.

Lampzade · 15/11/2025 05:10

I know for a fact that my DM wouldn’t want to travel to another country during the Christmas period if she had other dcs in the UK.
She would be willing to travel any other time .
Your parents visit twice a year but your dm doesn’t want to visit at Christmas . Tbf you are the one who moved abroad and I honestly don’t see why your DM should do something that she is not comfortable with
Also, it is too late to invite someone to another country
However, you should send a message similar to the one suggested by another poster and ask everyone to come next year

LankylegsFromOz · 15/11/2025 05:23

As someone with an expat DH, it really pisses me off when I hear people go 'but you chose to move'. I find it a very narrow minded view. Generally it is accepted that the person who does move is the one that travels home (hence every holiday I've had for 25 years, has been with the in laws 😀). But it wouldn't bloody hurt for you to travel and see your loved one in their home, just once for Christmas, would it?! Especially if it would mean the world for them. Or do you just stubbornly sit there and refuse on the basis that it was THEM who decided to move?!

Georgiepud · 15/11/2025 05:32

Difficult one, but I'd probably do whatever it takes to keep everything sweet, even though it meant putting myself out.
Christmas is such a memorable time that fall outs can drag on for years.

thepariscrimefiles · 15/11/2025 05:38

Doghatestherain · 13/11/2025 12:20

I’d love them to come to us. Dm is not willing to have Christmas without my siblings, but isn’t bothered about us with a younger grandchild

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If your DM isn't bothered about you and their young grandchild, I wouldn't bother with them either. Stay at home this Christmas.

Eenameenadeeka · 15/11/2025 06:12

I don't think they are unreasonable for saying no. Just enjoy your Christmas at home, and celebrate on one of their other visits.

Blessedbethefruitloopss · 15/11/2025 06:21

You need to be assertive this Xmas. “Next year we’re having Xmas at ours. It’s not fair on DD, and too much stress on us every year. We would like you to come to us for a change, but the decision is yours.”

sunkissedandwarm · 15/11/2025 07:37

Nowhere near the distance you have but we hit a similar spot. My MIL would only have Christmas in her home. It was too hard for us to take in both parents with the distance involved and we just wanted to have Christmas in our home for once. That turned into having Christmas at home every year. The kids preferred it. It was more restful for us. So we told everyone we are staying home for Christmas, they are welcome to visit on the day, or around the day. An open door on Christmas policy works, then it's up to them.

reversingdumptruckwithnotyreson · 15/11/2025 08:13

LankylegsFromOz · 15/11/2025 05:23

As someone with an expat DH, it really pisses me off when I hear people go 'but you chose to move'. I find it a very narrow minded view. Generally it is accepted that the person who does move is the one that travels home (hence every holiday I've had for 25 years, has been with the in laws 😀). But it wouldn't bloody hurt for you to travel and see your loved one in their home, just once for Christmas, would it?! Especially if it would mean the world for them. Or do you just stubbornly sit there and refuse on the basis that it was THEM who decided to move?!

I’ve seen this stance pop up multiple times across MN, it seems to be the general consensus here.

I honestly don’t understand it and find it quite sad, people move for a multitude of reasons and very often is also to help the family that stays in the home country. Half my mother’s siblings live abroad and she always made arrangements to visit them, it was the highlight of my holidays, and they also visit when they can. I live abroad too and it gets grating after a while when people constantly ask when am I visiting. Same distance both ways.

@Doghatestherain enjoy Christmas at home. I’ve grown to appreciate my stress and hassle free christmases, plus not spending a fortune on flights.

ShodAndShadySenators · 15/11/2025 08:18

Just because you moved abroad doesn't mean you always have to be the ones travelling at Christmas. A fairer scenario would be alternating, so you go to them one year, they come to you the next. But if they don't want to come to you (even though they have travelled to visit you at other times of the year), then they stay at home and you stay at home. They miss out on seeing their GD at Christmas but that's their choice? You've said you visit them during the year so it sounds like you're all doing a reasonable chunk of the travelling.

Would your DB and DSis not want to come out one Christmas, if there was space to host them all (or a handy B&B nearby)? If one of my siblings lived abroad, I'd jump at the chance to have a Christmas abroad (and my DS would like it too, none of us feel tied into having a "traditional Christmas" to enjoy it).

In short, you can have a Christmas at home if you want to; you may or may not have guests but I don't see why you can't alternate to make it fairer for yourselves.

jewelfantasy · 15/11/2025 08:21

It always surprises me when people move far away or abroad and then get frustrated when people choose not to travel to them. You chose to move away OP.

I have to say, I feel the same. You chose to move away from your family and therefore it's a bit cheeky to expect them to travel all that way. Would it be nice for them to visit you?- absolutely yes. Should you expect it- absolutely no.

Sorry OP.

phantomofthepopera · 15/11/2025 08:23

Doghatestherain · 13/11/2025 12:25

Yes which we have done nearly every time and enjoy it, but it’s expensive, stressful, not the same as being at home. I realise we are abroad, but perhaps just one time would be nice, even the novelty of it

Show quote history

It’s probably for all the reasons you list (expensive, stressful, not the same as being at home) that your DM doesn’t want to come to you. It’s possible that she’s using your siblings as an excuse because she just doesn’t want the hassle.

jewelfantasy · 15/11/2025 08:24

LankylegsFromOz · 15/11/2025 05:23

As someone with an expat DH, it really pisses me off when I hear people go 'but you chose to move'. I find it a very narrow minded view. Generally it is accepted that the person who does move is the one that travels home (hence every holiday I've had for 25 years, has been with the in laws 😀). But it wouldn't bloody hurt for you to travel and see your loved one in their home, just once for Christmas, would it?! Especially if it would mean the world for them. Or do you just stubbornly sit there and refuse on the basis that it was THEM who decided to move?!

Eh? you seem quite angry about this and are painting a picture of people who would love to see their relatives but are not visiting out of sheer cold spite.

I dont think thats how it goes down at all. People might not have the funds to travel all that way, people might have pets to look after, people might have other elderly relatives who cant be left alone at Christmas, people might have children with SEN who dont travel well etc There are a myriad of reasons why people might not be able to do this and not all of them are to do with stubbornness. You could equally argue, if not seeing your family bothers you so damn much then why did you move so far away?

FancyBiscuitsLevel · 15/11/2025 08:42

I do think the solution is to invite the OPs siblings (or at least her DB) as well.

But while the one who moves should do the travelling is the general view, it’s also fair enough to say if you’ve moved away and your family don’t want to come to you, then you can just stay at home and not visit either. It’s ok to not spend Christmas with extended family.