To think people who have never been insanely busy don’t really get it

[Lostthebubblewand]

I literally don’t have time to even urinate a lot of the time. Full time, constant fire fighting, single parent, homeowner, elderly parents, I know a lot of people have more on. But there’s so much some people don’t understand.
I can’t reply to messages asap.
I do miss school emails.
I end up paying more for insurance etc as I don’t remember to shop around before my renewal.
Id love to put more into bday messages or to make my children birthday cakes or handmade cards.
I get some comments like ‘you haven’t done that yet?’ ‘???’ to messages but so many of my friends and family have jobs which are done at 5pm. Or WFH and can do some life admin when they’re home.
I just rush from crisis to appointment to school or after school and then home and straight into the anxiety of bedtime routine. Why is it always later than I thought, it can’t be 8pm?
I don’t have evenings. My whole life is just a blur until I pass out listening to my daughter read at 9pm.
Then I wake up at 4am to angry messages from family because I didn’t react to their photo of a beach?! Or the kids dad saying why did I forget X when I can’t even find half hour to book a smear test.
Its all so draining but I don’t think people get it unless they’ve lived it, how could they?
Sorry for the pity party

Just an observation.

A loaded one.

You're ignoring the headspace factor

Compared to OP, I've only got the elderly parent problem. I feel as if I've lost the whole of my forties to that.

Well-meaning people suggest a lot of stuff. But the truth is, I haven't got any emotional energy left to do some of the really lovely things I used to do.

@Lostthebubblewand I think the elderly parent thing in particular is one that goes over some people peoples heads.

I have posted on here before saying that I know people who are coping with big careers and elderly parents as well, but there's also the kind of person you are. And I just need a lot of downtime.

I'm working with a couple of people who are running their own business as well and if they get five hours sleep at night, they're happy with that. I just have to accept that I'm not built that way.

They definitely don't have time for anything spare, but what I find really striking as they are not stressed. They thrive on being incredibly busy.

ignore the people who want comments on their beach pictures. They are being total numpties. If they've got that much free time or emotional energy or headspace, they can come and help you out with some stuff, surely?

Yeah we have, that's how we know.

I get it. I was able to drop a day at work which helped but I also had a cleaner, sent my clothes to a laundry & had freezer meals most nights. I stopped watching tv & seeing friends in person ( not that I'd recommend it). It was really tough! I ended up taking a career break when my Gran was unwell & I had a seizure which they couldn't find the cause of & they thought it might be exhaustion. Looking back I don't know how I did it!

I'd love to know how many children OP has

Been there.
I discovered that the world doesn't end if some ( or all) clothes aren't ironed, houseplants are chucked away because there's no time to water, every so often a shower is missed, or there's pizza for tea, or you use dry shampoo for 3 days on the trot because you haven't had time to wash your hair.
I get that there isn't time to even think how to make things easier, so skip a shower if need be and sort a place by the door to put things you often spend time searching for. Or have ready meals for tea and spend the extra time setting up a list of direct debits you pay and the dates, so you don't miss them.
Basically I found that if I skipped the odd 'present self' thing I could do something to help the situation for 'future self'.
Whatever you do, do not take on any pets, voluntary commitments etc. Only acknowledge birthday/ Xmas with people who would genuinely get upset if you didn't and try to reach non card/ present giving agreements with as many people as you can.
Is there perhaps an opportunity to pay a local student to spend a couple of hours a couple of times a week doing homework and reading with your children? Are there children's clubs you can cut out?

And remember your main commitment is to your children. If care for elderly parents is compromising your own family then there needs to be a care assessment/ self funded carers.
You have to be able to say no because you're no use to anyone if you're completely fucked.

I get it.

I've never had children, but at one point I was working full-time and advocating/caring for both my parents and my late husband.

One time, DH was in the stroke rehab ward. I went to work, raced to the hospital with a change of clothes for him, raced to my parents and picked up Mum (who had dementia).

Drove to the dentist's took her in, just made it on time for the the appointment, took her to the accessible room, sat her down.

Dentist: "Now, let's see how you're getting on with your new teeth. Open wide, please."

Mum dutifully did so.

"Ah. You don't appear to be wearing your teeth."

I found them down the side of her armchair when I got her home.

I was widowed (so no other parent) and from an immigrant background (so no wider family). Decluttering and getting your storage right is a must. Teach your children to pull their weight. I used to frame it that if we all get the tidying done, then we get to sit and watch a film together, or have fun on my days off (because I'm not playing catch up). I'm a bit of a place-for-everything and everything-in-its-place, person. Tidy as you go, eat in one place etc but it works for busy households. Sometimes it's easier to be single and implement this, than having another adult undo it. Just keep looking forward to your new move and have strategies and tell your family straight. Don't over commit to your parents, if they can get and afford outside help, or are pushing back against some of what you need to do, then explain that you are going into burn out and will end up not being available at all.
@hulahooper2 do you know what taking her Mum shopping entailed? I'm a carer to someone who I take shopping and having a coffee and cake out, is a highlight of their week. Sometimes you can't fit something else in.

Maybe the @OP is decompressing/venting because she's at the end of her tether?

I fully understand how horrendous being over burdened can be and I’m fortunate enough to not have children - I’m exhausted simply going to work and doing life/ family things. How anyone works full time and parents effectively is beyond my comprehension.

I hate getting ??? When I don’t respond to messages immediately

Your life is extremely busy.
Cut off the dead wood.

while I agree with your first paragraph the downside is that the reader will usually still see it that they are not important enough to have even a few seconds of your time. The message is telling them that you have more important things to do than reply to their message. And considering they messaged you, then they don't have anything more important to do. It's kind of insulting even though it may not be intended. Unfortunately when people start telling everyone else how busy they are they are usually forgetting, so is everyone else. You either respond or you don't. And if you don't, there may be a time in the future where you won't get a quick response when you need one.

I get it. I’m not a single parent but live with my daughters dad who is a selfish man child and does very little. I work a 60 mile round trip away from home 4 days a week and do most school runs.
im always so busy rushing to school rushing to work, rushing home, making tea , bath , doing homework reading , tidying the mess up before starting again.
I feel like I don’t have time to wash my hair or have a poo some days! The WFH crew and people with helpful husbands don’t understand it (not making friends with this post! 🤣)
It sound like you are doing the best you can and doing very well. Family and friends should understand this.
i reply to messages about midnight before I fall to sleep exhausted which I wouldn’t recommend but it is free time!

Hang in there x

This it’s the mental load, relentless constant. Rest is not rest.

99 problems but a batch ain’t one

(sorry, actually hate batch cooking with a passion)

I remember a sarky mner giving out about impatient drivers in the morning and saying if they had a problem they should just leave ten minutes earlier. I chipped in that actually in the mornings when you child can’t be just dropped off at school, you need to be there at x time so they can be let in, and you’ve also had to drop other lids to school and have 25 minutes to get to work where traffic of even ten minutes means you’re late, getting up or leaving earlier does nothing! See also people advising more sleep when you collect your son from his job at ten most nights because he’s not safe to drive yet!!

The only thing I can advise is try to be clever with your days off etc so you don’t burn out and as others have said book that smear x

Your mother in law is still allowed to be busy even if she's doing things she chooses, it's not a competition, plus she's older so things will be harder.

I don't think you should feel obliged to make time to like beach photos or respond to texts immediately, but it does sound like you are letting immediate pressures push out some important medium and long term tasks. And they don't have to. You can shorten the bedtime routine. You can use childcare, or elder care. You can say no to your kids and your elderly parents sometimes. You do not have to immediately jump to every request. There is no reason that caring responsibilities at home should make it impossible to go to the loo except occasionally, in rare circumstances.

Start by making half an hour for yourself every evening. Say no to demands to do things for just that 30 minutes. Set the kids on a task or in front of the TV. Tell your parents you have something on and you will get to them later. It will be a complete pain at first, but your family will get used to it and then it will easier. Have a bath/read a book/meditate/whatever. You need to recharge. Then carve out an hour a week or a morning a month that you can do some of those admin tasks like booking your smear, or shopping around for car insurance. I'm not suggesting you aren't busy - it's obvious you have a lot on. But what you are describing is at least partly about you reacting to everybody else's demands and putting all your own last. Let some of their demands fall off the list, not just your own.

When my husband got home after his stroke, I made the mistake of telling the nurse assigned to check out our house that I didn't know how I was going to cope.

Dad had died by then and Mum - by then with late-stage dementia and severe osteoporosis was moving in with us. [ETA Yes, I had some care for Mum and bought in extra.]

I was scolded by the nurse. She worked full-time and had a son (by then an adult) who had been born missing an arm. Her situation was - according to her - no different from mine. Her son managed fine.

At that point DH had cognitive problems, hemiparesis (mobility problems, partial blindness, one arm/hand that didn't work at all) and his other hand constantly shook.

I mean - it's not a competition, but not all situations are equal.

I totally get you. I’m in the same boat, single parent, no support close by, demanding job. It’s hard, but the hardest part is the lack of headspace. Often for me it’s not that I don’t have the minutes (which I often don’t), but once I’ve finally sat down from the practical stuff, I’m exhausted and can’t think of the other stuff/effectively sort it or organise even more stuff!

Please know that you’re not alone. And for those who are making snide comments - well done for your obviously compassion and empathy towards an exhausted woman who probably just needs to vent and feel some solidarity. You’re all clearly super duper, well good for you! 🎉🤦‍♀️ OP, I’m sending strength (I’ll share what little I have left 😂)

To be fair I don’t think you sound insanely busy, I think you sound incredibly stressed and like you’re en route to burnout. It doesn’t seem like you enjoy life, it sounds like a struggle

To me being busy isn’t being bogged down by every day life

I hate batch cooking too. I either make enough for leftovers for the next day or just do something easy.
For me, pulling a batch cooked meal out the freezer to defrost and reheat, i could probably make something simple in that time.

Agree with pp cut out the dead wood.

Prioritise.

Dont waste headspace on thinking about home made cakes or people's social media. Come off all social media.

Who is the person giving you grief over not liking a picture? Send them a blunt message saying until my house is sold i wont be "liking" anyones pictures.

And book that smear test tomorrow. Make time for the life or dead stuff.

Anything else can wait.