To think people who have never been insanely busy don’t really get it

[Lostthebubblewand]

I literally don’t have time to even urinate a lot of the time. Full time, constant fire fighting, single parent, homeowner, elderly parents, I know a lot of people have more on. But there’s so much some people don’t understand.
I can’t reply to messages asap.
I do miss school emails.
I end up paying more for insurance etc as I don’t remember to shop around before my renewal.
Id love to put more into bday messages or to make my children birthday cakes or handmade cards.
I get some comments like ‘you haven’t done that yet?’ ‘???’ to messages but so many of my friends and family have jobs which are done at 5pm. Or WFH and can do some life admin when they’re home.
I just rush from crisis to appointment to school or after school and then home and straight into the anxiety of bedtime routine. Why is it always later than I thought, it can’t be 8pm?
I don’t have evenings. My whole life is just a blur until I pass out listening to my daughter read at 9pm.
Then I wake up at 4am to angry messages from family because I didn’t react to their photo of a beach?! Or the kids dad saying why did I forget X when I can’t even find half hour to book a smear test.
Its all so draining but I don’t think people get it unless they’ve lived it, how could they?
Sorry for the pity party

I think everyone is busy but the relentless mental load and pressure of being the one who has to to absolutely everything is beyond what most can imagine unless you've been there.

yup it’s awful!

Sending you a virtual hug OP. This too shall pass, just try to find some time for yourself if you can, even if it means grabbing a cuppa for 10 mins in peace 💐

It is a lot to manage, especially when someone isn’t there to share making dinner etc, or doing homework etc. But I have a few questions

What are your working hours/day?
Do you have any support or siblings?
What is the age of your child(ren)?

I do get it - my day-to-day is different to yours but very busy and I sometimes get to the end of the day and have to drag myself to bed and realise that I haven’t sat all day. It’s hard and some people just don’t understand. My responses back to people (when I do eventually reply - this can take weeks btw!), pretty much always start with ‘I’m so sorry for the late response’.

But on a different note, is there anyone who can help you? Does your daughters dad have her sometimes so that you can find some chill time? Can you afford a cleaner to come once a week? Could you work from home just one day a week? Can you afford/find time for a 2 night solo getaway (spa weekend?). Can you organise a sleepover for your daughter - at her friends house, for a night off? Anyyyything to help? Also, remember that you do not have to be perfect. The house doesn’t have to be spotless. Loosen up on any high expectations that you put on yourself. As for friends, if you miss any body in particular, could you organise a girls night in?

No advice. But I’m here drowning with you. It’s hard.

I'm in the same boat OP. It's relentless and exhausting and feels so, so heavy being the one responsible for absolutely everything. I've lost friends due to being unable to message people back, they assume it's because I don't care or I'm not interested. I am, I just struggle to find the time/headspace!

But many people just aren't busy. There's no doubt some people have more time consuming jobs and responsibilities than others.

I get it OP I really do. BUT having kids and elderly parents won’t change- so something else has to.
You need to find an hour somewhere and make a list of everything you do/need to do daily, weekly, monthly and annually. Work out if there’s any extra help you can get- extra childcare, cleaner, outsourcing things (obviously depends on finances!)
Use an app like Nous to help sort your finances. Put all your DD in and it will auto renew them with the cheapest option when each come around.
Can anyone else help with your parents? Have they hit alert necklaces? Can they afford carers?
What is work like- can you change hours? Change jobs and get a hybrid role? Sometimes when we are so deep into our lives we don’t think we can change anything but we always can.

That sounds really hard OP. Is there anything ,you can trim down? Because if you keep pushing yourself beyond your capacity you'll end up not being well enough to do any of it. Is there any other way of reducing what you do for your parents? What would they do if you couldn't help?

I work 10-6
I have support but it feels easier to do things myself sometimes. Like a cleaner, I would end up cancelling as there was too much clutter. Then I couldn’t afford it. Then all the life admin I have to do. Plus bedtimes etc, no one can do the school run for me and my kids wouldn’t want someone else doing it.
Im not really after solutions I just feel like a broken record saying ‘I’m busy’ ‘I’m tired’ and I don’t always feel I’m believed but family or friends have often done jobs which end at a certain time and don’t consume all your headspace or they have husbands. It’s not the same if your other half works away for work twice a year!

Is there anything you could change to create time OP?

I totally understand where you're coming from, we've been fighting fires at work for 2.5 years now. But we are slowwwwwlly making headway on doing some stuff that then improves things longer term. And sometimes we have to leave the odd fire to get bigger while we do some stuff that acts as a fire prevention system for other fires. Because if your "urgent and important" list is enough to fill your whole day, it can get to the point where you never deal with the important but not urgent stuff.

I have also done the same thing on car insurance etc. I tend to view it as a "cost of doing business" when it happens. I try to avoid it but I suck it up as a cost of getting paid what I do if it does happen.

The other things I have done is buy back time - for me that's a cleaner as it also compels accountability in terms of tidying which I need, but for others that might be a robot hoover or lawn mower etc.

I can see you must be totally exhausted but that sounds like it might be unsustainable in the long term. It may be that you know circumstances are going to change so that it won't be like that for long enough for you to burn out. I really hope so. But if not, burn out seems like a real risk.

I hear you. When I first became a single parent I was working a full time, in-office job; no family support; no money; no breaks. Just grinding exhaustion and constantly running to stand still. The only reason my life is vaguely manageable is getting out of that job, but I was so lucky it came up. People really don't get it - the exhaustion is bone-deep and the anxiety of it all being on you is overwhelming. You are genuinely doing amazingly to keep it together though - shit out the noise if you can xxx

I could gave written your message a few years ago. It's so hard ro manage when the people you disappoint have a totally different of time. They say 'it only takes a minute ' but it's a minute for them, a minute for someone else, a minute for this and that...and it all adds up.

It's frustrating and hard as tou are always made to feel guilty even when they pretend to be sympathetic.

You are doing great OP so don't feel bad. It will get better and when it does, it does feel good to have time to give, but now is not the time for you.

I don't believe anyone doesn't have time to piss, tbh. The people I know who go on about being insanely busy with no time for anything are no busier than most of us, they're just chaotic and disorganised and obsessed with the notion that that they're busier than everyone else.

What are you doing on your phone at 4am paying any attention to lunatics talking about social media? Your kids appear to have another parent involved in their lives, what are you doing when they're with him?

You don't mention that you have lots of children or any special needs at all, you work normal hours with a fairly late start time, you presumably have two days a week off.....why don't you have any time?

I've been there, it is really tough. I had shitty comments from a couple of people with no caring responsibilities about how I would make time if I cared. Really??? There's some way I can magically make time? Just magic up a few hours on to the day, no problem.
It was so frustrating at a time where I really needed support and understanding as I was caring for a terminally ill relative, a mentally ill partner, 2 children and had a really stressful job.

I think a lot of it is made worse by not having enough in the tank to put in solutions. People say 'oh just do X' and it's like yes that will improve things overall but how will I find the extra time and energy to make that change? Unfortunately the answer is you just have to, even if it means occasionally taking a week off work to spend 4 days resetting so you have the headspace for the 1 thing you need to do. It's tough.

Hang in there, at some point when you look back you'll realise how much easier things have become.

I would do a message to family now and explain you love seeing pics but please dont be offended if a reply isn’t quick. Summarise what you have put above. If they genuinely care about you, they would be very supportive and understanding of how hard working you are and everything is a juggle. Make it clear you dont reply to any non urgent messages the same day as you dont have time.

How often does your child go to her Dad? Do you get a break at the weekend at all? Obviously theres tons to do at the weekend for everyone but a break from childcare for some of it?

I think a lot of it is in your own perception of your situation. Most adults have to sort out masses of 'stuff', usually in addition to a job - housing related, transport related, personal, kid/parent/pet, health, friend etc. I think the main difference is how much effort or drama you put into it. Some people cope better with busy than others, but it doesn't mean they are necessarily that much busier, their head just explodes a bit faster.

I get it, OP. Different circumstances but same syndrome.

The biggest thing for me is the lack of bandwidth. I find when I do get a slot of time, whether planned or lucky like a cancelled meeting, instead of maxing out that time getting ahead I'm so brain dead I fritter it away. I know it's my brain grabbing some recovery time and I don't really have the focus to jump straight into the backlog. But it's a big factor in my too busy life; when you get a certain way into the stress zone you become less efficient because you're running on empty.

100% agree with this- be completely upfront that you only check messages once every few days and it’s not them it’s your situation. Same with friends.

Sorry you’re feeling so frazzled. Can you take any time off? Any holidays left?

I have been a single parent working full time outside the home, and more recently working from home - you are absolutely right that WFH enables you to get some life admin done and avoid the commute, those years of going out to work everyday were a killer and I completely sympathise.

It sounds like your phone and communication is a source of stress for you. My family and friends know I'm not on social media and wouldn't respond to a photo so I don't have that pressure, and I'm not a fraction as busy as you are! I suggest you get off the SM you don't really need. If you do want to stay in touch then assign times of the day or week and make sure those in your life know this, you respond to messages on Wednesday evening or Sun morning etc.

I agree people don't get it, I've been that busy and never want to go back. My life is moderately busy now and well balanced. I have a sister how works from home, no kids, no specific hobbies and can't seem to understand that my brother and I with young families are not available for a boozy lunch on a random Saturday.

Of course, that's true, but I think everyone feels they are busy from their own perspective if you have school age kids and work. Some people are part time, some might be staying at home parents etc but I bet everyone thinks or feels they are busy.

Not everyone understands what it is like to shoulder all of the responsibility. It is a lot. I've been a lone parent for a decade.

I hear you OP ....but a friendly reminder to book that smear!

I found it harder than I thought to get the appointment as they were quite booked up and obviously I couldn't go on my period. It's an important one to make and I noticed the longer I didn't make it the more stressed I felt as I know in the back of my mind its an important thing I'm not doing.

So pause something and make the call ❤️.