To not buy a house with DP

[autumnalgal]

DP and I have been together for a few years and have a 7 week old baby. I fell pregnant with her unexpectedly but she is so loved and wanted. I also have an almost 18 year old DS from my previous marriage and he lives with me.

DP and I live together in my rented home because he is struggling to sell his house. He is doing some renovations at to try and sell it. We live in my rented home because it’s the best thing for my DS. He has ASD and Tourette’s and is doing well in college. He is happy, close to family and his Dad and I want him to feel settled while still in education. DP home is too far from our area so moving in there isn’t an option.

I don’t take any money from DP for bills or rent as he still has to pay for his own home and some bills there. He does pay a third towards the food shop.

Our plan is to hopefully get DP home sold within the next year and then buy a home together close by. Recently though, I am
seeing some red flags that make me hesitant about buying a house with him.
A few examples that are worth mentioning.

1. I recently needed to replace my fridge freezer and we agreed to buy this together because all household items in my home (he brought a lot of his stuff here and sold the rest) will move to our new home with us. He still hasn’t paid me a penny towards this.
2. Before our daughter was born, I asked whether he’d contribute to the gas and electricity bill every month, just a little, as I will need to keep the heating on more for our newborn daughter. Only £30-40 or so. He agreed. He saw how high last month’s bill was and still hasn’t offered any money. I hate to chase for money.
3. We have to go halves on absolutely everything. However, we agreed I wouldn’t go back to work after my maternity leave and he would support us. I no longer trust that he will. He is very tight with money when it comes to me, but happily spends it on pointless other things (scratch cards etc).

Something in my gut tells me he won’t support us and buying a house with him would be very risky.

I am not sure, am I being unreasonable?

Thank you.

Trust your gut feeling. It is rarely wrong. Is your rental a secure tenancy? If so, don't give it up for him.

I don’t take any money from DP for bills or rent as he still has to pay for his own home and some bills there. He does pay a third towards the food shop

I feel really sad to read that OP. Your realise that you are paying him to live with you?

He should be giving you money instead of wasting it on scratchcards.

Even if it only leaves him with a few quid he should be giving as much as he can to you. I bet your food shop has doubled and he only pays 30% of it.

I'm waiting for someone to use the C word,

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all. I would think hard about the upsides and downsides of having him freeloading at yours while he potentially grows his personal assets and oleads "oh but I have bills" versus having a clear separation between households and finances.

I get that it's good to have him there now to help with dd, but longer term, think through which scenarios give you the most predicability and control over your finances and decisions.

He's not reliable. I'd keep a piece of paper on the fridge with a running total of what he owes. No need to chase it, it's right there.

Don't give up your home or income.

Please don't buy a house with him and please please go back to work, and force him to split childcare costs. You have zero financial security depending on a partner when you are not married. If he walked out tomorrow you have nothing. Or if you really want to stop working, you must get married. Blows my mind anyone is dependent on someone financially when they're not married, it's a massive difference legally in the UK.

He hasn't paid you for things that he said he would - I don't know what more evidence you need really?

Stability for your son and baby are the most important thing. I think he should prioritise getting his house ready for sale as soon as possible and buy somewhere near you so that he can be involved in your baby's life but isn't making you stretched financially by living in your home. If he is not contributing properly financially, he is better off looking after himself in a home of his own.

Cunt?

Cocklodger? Because this one clearly is.

OP, why aren’t you charging him for bills at the very least? He’s presumably using electricity, hot water, washing machine etc etc. He’s totally taking the piss and you’re letting him. Honestly I’d put the whole man in the bin. This isn’t going to get better.

You are being idiotic about not taking money for him to live with you.
He is laughing all the way to the bank.

I promise you he won’t change! Really, he should be subsidising your living costs not just paying 30% of food. Don’t buy the house with him.

Mate you need to be advocating for yourself and children. Communicate that he needs to pay a certain amount. Stop hoping he will pay and tell him to pay. Stop funding a tight man and look out for your children.

What the actual hell?

DP and I have been together for a few years

How many years? And how long has he lived with you?

I don’t take any money from DP for bills or rent as he still has to pay for his own home and some bills there. He does pay a third towards the food shop.

This makes no sense whatsoever. Your bills will have gone up and I bet he eats more than a third of the food. You are subsidising this man.

1. *I recently needed to replace my fridge freezer and we agreed to buy this together because all household items in my home (he brought a lot of his stuff here and sold the rest) will move to our new home with us. He still hasn’t paid me a penny towards this.
2. Before our daughter was born, I asked whether he’d contribute to the gas and electricity bill every month, just a little, as I will need to keep the heating on more for our newborn daughter. Only £30-40 or so. He agreed. He saw how high last month’s bill was and still hasn’t offered any money. I hate to chase for money.*

Have you raised this with him? If so, what’s his justification? If not, then why not?

we agreed I wouldn’t go back to work after my maternity leave and he would support us

Of course he bloody won’t.

Why are you tolerating any of this?!

How are you supporting yourself through maternity leave? To have his baby???

It doesn’t sound as if he is even paying as much as he would have to if he was paying Child Maintenance!

I can’t for the life of me understand why he can’t contribute to the bills. He’s using hot water and heating at your house, not his!

Set up a joint account for household and baby and use that to pay for bills, fridges etc, and he pays into that account sm amount per payday.

Your baby will be needing a lot one way and another and you intent to ask him for half the cost every time you by baby clothes, shoes, high chair, next stage car seat…,

Cone on OP: just be direct. Ask him to transfer the fridge and heating money. This evening.

Red flag indeed OP. Thank God you have posted here. Do not buy with this man. Does he work full time? Does he earn more than you? Does he have any other kids? Who pays for meals out or holidays? Sounds like he's got too comfortable (tight also).

Don't make any rash decisions OP.
You are both parents to a new baby with lifelong consequences.
An honest conversation is required.
Resentment is corrosive.
Take care OP

Fourfurrymonsters is right, I also think don't buy with him. I always say to never bother living with a man unless you have DC together, but as you do have a child I really hope he's doing his equal share of nappies, feeding, bedtime, getting baby dressed and all that.

Neither buy a house nor get married to this man. He is cheap beyond belief and has no intention of supporting you or paying his fair share. The much touted security from marriage doesn't apply in this case. Get back to work as soon as you can.

God no don’t buy a house with him! Do remind him what he owes though.

@autumnalgal Recently though, I am seeing some red flags that make me hesitant about buying a house with him

Are you hesitant about buying a house with him or the whole relationship?

He has got no incentive to get a move on with his house sale at the moment as he is living virtually for free with you.
I bet if he did sell up and buy a house for the two of you he will be expecting you to contribute half to everything. Do not buy a house with him.

He is very tight with money when it comes to me, but happily spends it on pointless other things (scratch cards etc).

This sounds like a massive red flag, OP.

Something in my gut tells me he won’t support us and buying a house with him would be very risky.
I am not sure, am I being unreasonable?

I think you've already answered your own question.

Christ OP. Get a grip. Do not buy a house with this man. I would've advised you not to have a baby with him, but that ship has sailed. What's he bringing to the table? Nothing as far as I can see and it ain't going to get any better once you live with him full time. It will only get worse, trust me. Get back to work when you can and keep your independence.

Get rid of him - you are using money that you could pass to your 18 year old to subsidise this cocklodger.