To not buy a house with DP

[autumnalgal]

DP and I have been together for a few years and have a 7 week old baby. I fell pregnant with her unexpectedly but she is so loved and wanted. I also have an almost 18 year old DS from my previous marriage and he lives with me.

DP and I live together in my rented home because he is struggling to sell his house. He is doing some renovations at to try and sell it. We live in my rented home because it’s the best thing for my DS. He has ASD and Tourette’s and is doing well in college. He is happy, close to family and his Dad and I want him to feel settled while still in education. DP home is too far from our area so moving in there isn’t an option.

I don’t take any money from DP for bills or rent as he still has to pay for his own home and some bills there. He does pay a third towards the food shop.

Our plan is to hopefully get DP home sold within the next year and then buy a home together close by. Recently though, I am
seeing some red flags that make me hesitant about buying a house with him.
A few examples that are worth mentioning.

1. I recently needed to replace my fridge freezer and we agreed to buy this together because all household items in my home (he brought a lot of his stuff here and sold the rest) will move to our new home with us. He still hasn’t paid me a penny towards this.
2. Before our daughter was born, I asked whether he’d contribute to the gas and electricity bill every month, just a little, as I will need to keep the heating on more for our newborn daughter. Only £30-40 or so. He agreed. He saw how high last month’s bill was and still hasn’t offered any money. I hate to chase for money.
3. We have to go halves on absolutely everything. However, we agreed I wouldn’t go back to work after my maternity leave and he would support us. I no longer trust that he will. He is very tight with money when it comes to me, but happily spends it on pointless other things (scratch cards etc).

Something in my gut tells me he won’t support us and buying a house with him would be very risky.

I am not sure, am I being unreasonable?

Thank you.

He might be paying bills at his house but he's not paying for the water, gas and electric he's using as he's living with you. He should be paying a contribution. You are subsidising him.
And yet he still can't pay towards a fridge freezer or for his daughter.

Get rid, he's using you!

Every time he pays his mortgage he is building his equity, every time you cover his share of the rent you will never see that money again.

If his home is empty, presumably there are minimal utilities to pay?

He sounds stingy and untrustworthy (not paying what he said he would). Please do proceed with caution!

Send him packing. Then claim cms. He is using you op..
Do the best for both of your dc and get rid.

Why didn’t you sort this out before moving him in? You’re renting, so it’s not as if he’s helping you build equity on a mortgage. He’s living there and benefiting from everything you’re paying for, he should be contributing properly, not just chipping in for the food shop. It’s unfair for you to carry all the costs while he gets a free ride.😡

Why do people need to renovate a house before sale.

Just sell it

yes make sure its clean, set it nicely etc but thats it

Trust your gut, but also, speak up - 'you still haven't paid me your share of the freezer'. 'can you set up the gas money as a regular payment cause i don't want to chase you each month' etc. You sound like you need to become more comfortable talking about money, don't get stuck thinking he should always offer before you ask or being too shy to ask.

1 & 2 you need to directly say, I need the money, put it in my account tonight.

1. Well, if he hasn't sold his house, he won't be supporting you, whatever he has said or whatever red flags you see.

What does "renovating the house" actually look like? Is he working 9-5, home for dinner, and back out to work on the house? Or is he casually just going back on a Saturday morning?

Realistically, if he has a mortgage and hasn't got it listed to sell, it's ridiculous to think its worth "doing up" if he is going at a snails pace. It costs him hundreds each month to have it sat empty..it doesn't take long for that to cost more than selling now or paying tradespeople.

So yeah, red flags.

Listen to your gut. Stay put for now. Why can’t he move in with you once his is sold and it gives you time to decide whether you want to keep living together?

Because it's been left to deteriorate and is in a right state?

When I was foolish enough to think my husband was a good bet, I "house doctored" his house because it had had zero interest. Sold to first viewer after some work.

Of course, it was a state because he'd just wrecked it over the years with his thoughtless actions.

Trust your gut. He sounds like a problem waiting to happen.

Thank you for the replies! I have gone round and round doubting myself. I knew deep down that this wasn’t right.

To answer a few questions or clear a few things up.

He still pays for his mortgage, internet, utilities at his own house, but his utilities are now not as expensive whereas mine are through the roof.

He is now using more fuel to get to work due to being much further away. He was closer when living at his own property.

He has a FT job and earns more than me.

I exclusively breastfeed so do the majority of the work with DD. He does the odd nappy change and will hold her if I need a shower etc.

He has decided to take up a new side hustle of finding clothes for cheap and reselling them to make a profit alongside his FT job, which means that is his main focus at the moment. He says it’s to pay off the finance debt he has after having some mould work done on his house.

If he pays half towards the bills, I’d feel awful due to what he is currently paying at his own property too. I definitely believe he should be paying more. He only moved in with me during the second half of my pregnancy.

I am definitely having doubts about the relationship as a whole. I spent 17 years with my son’s father and he was useless too. I don’t want to waste any more time with a man child.

Make your choice now and stick to your guns. I'm pissed off with losers and wasters who give good men a bad name, and I'm often amazed that they are so often tolerated and indulged

@autumnalgal do you know 100% what he earns? Even him spending more on petrol doesn't seem fair to you. I would not give up your job either go back part time or something. Would you need to use a nursery? This would need splitting if so.

When someone shows you who they are, believe them.

More than one C word there.

Cheapskate, cocklodging cunt.

Protect yourself. Stay where you are. And preferably, send him packing.

I hope this thread has been useful. If you really don’t see the relationship going anywhere then you need to address this as soon as possible. It would be incredibly unfair of you to wait until after he has sold his home and moved in with you.

If you are unsure then I still think you have to talk to him about it.

He sounds tight but it’s worrying that you don’t like “to chase for money”. Do you know why you don’t. You resent him not paying but find it awkward to ask him. Some men are really thick and he might think you aren’t that fussed about the money. Relationships are much easier if you are comfortable talking about things like this.

'However, we agreed I wouldn’t go back to work after my maternity leave and he would support us. I no longer trust that he will. He is very tight with money when it comes to me, but happily spends it on pointless other things (scratch cards etc).'

Forget the house buying - this is your immediate issue. You are not married so you absolutely 100 per cent must go back to work and keep your financial independence. How could you afford to live/pay the rent if you break up (or, quite frankly, you don't even need to break up as he doesn't seem too keen on paying for anything now).

Sorry, but how many times....IF YOU ARE NOT MARRIED YOU HAVE NO FINANCIAL SECURITY SO YOU MUST EARN YOUR OWN WAY. Honestly, even when married I just don't understand giving up work. If you split, you could be stuffed...

Oh yes, and obviously he pays half of childcare costs on top of half of rent, bills, food etc

Stay where you are. If he doesn't change after selling his house then at least you can throw him out.

Think about this - you would actually be better off as a single mother if you gave him the boot and claimed CM. He wouldn't be running up sky high bills in your house either. Get back to work. See what top up benefits you'd be entitled to as a single parent.

FGS dont buy a house with him. You'll end up trapped especially if you lose your earning power. At least you can easily extricate yourself from this sorry excuse of a relationship while you're in your own home.

I'm sick of hearing about these awful men who seem to think women should fund joint children alone, just because they were born out out the female body perhaps, because I've no idea how else they justify it in their little heads.

First thing I'd do is make him go back to his empty house and pay his own bills. There's no earthly reason for him to live with and leech off you is there?

I can't see any pluses or other advantages to him living with you, from your perspective.

You stay where you are, let him live in his own house, then he buys another property eventually. Don't live together but suggest separate homes.

His reaction will tell you everything.

Honestly if it was me I’d tell him to move out.

When you’ve spoke about buying a property are you sure he means a king property or is it a case of him buying a house and you living in it.

Keep your rented house.

Don't buy a house with him and tell him he either contributes a 3rd to all bills or he moves back to his own house. Do NOT feel guilty about this. He feels no guilt about depriving the mother of his child money she needs to keep them housed and warm. If his house was uninhabitable, he would have to pay rent and bills elsewhere. If he's selling his house, he should cancel unecessary things like cable. Presumably his house is habitable, he simply chooses to live with you. If he genuinely can't afford it, then he needs to behave like a responsible adult and parent and move back to his own house, whilst still helping you pay for the needs of your shared child.

If he pays half towards the bills, I’d feel awful due to what he is currently paying at his own property too

That's not your problem, don't be so soft. Why hasn't he got the house sold? Although I'd say he may need to move back there! You shouldn't be subsidising him like this and that fact that he won't cough up for household items that he said he'd contribute to is not a good sign. I understand you want your DD to have a resident dad but he needs to shape up and be fair.