To not buy a house with DP

[autumnalgal]

DP and I have been together for a few years and have a 7 week old baby. I fell pregnant with her unexpectedly but she is so loved and wanted. I also have an almost 18 year old DS from my previous marriage and he lives with me.

DP and I live together in my rented home because he is struggling to sell his house. He is doing some renovations at to try and sell it. We live in my rented home because it’s the best thing for my DS. He has ASD and Tourette’s and is doing well in college. He is happy, close to family and his Dad and I want him to feel settled while still in education. DP home is too far from our area so moving in there isn’t an option.

I don’t take any money from DP for bills or rent as he still has to pay for his own home and some bills there. He does pay a third towards the food shop.

Our plan is to hopefully get DP home sold within the next year and then buy a home together close by. Recently though, I am
seeing some red flags that make me hesitant about buying a house with him.
A few examples that are worth mentioning.

1. I recently needed to replace my fridge freezer and we agreed to buy this together because all household items in my home (he brought a lot of his stuff here and sold the rest) will move to our new home with us. He still hasn’t paid me a penny towards this.
2. Before our daughter was born, I asked whether he’d contribute to the gas and electricity bill every month, just a little, as I will need to keep the heating on more for our newborn daughter. Only £30-40 or so. He agreed. He saw how high last month’s bill was and still hasn’t offered any money. I hate to chase for money.
3. We have to go halves on absolutely everything. However, we agreed I wouldn’t go back to work after my maternity leave and he would support us. I no longer trust that he will. He is very tight with money when it comes to me, but happily spends it on pointless other things (scratch cards etc).

Something in my gut tells me he won’t support us and buying a house with him would be very risky.

I am not sure, am I being unreasonable?

Thank you.

Just get him out and claim child support, your quality of life will vastly improve. He can think about his actions at length while fixing his shitbox house, and whether he wants to grow as a human or carry on with his current behaviour. There is no need to continue to subject yourself or your children to this.

When he moved into mine, he sold all
of his furniture or he brought over some of his smaller items and replaced mine (such as microwave) amongst other things. We’ve also bought some joint smaller items (cutlery, kettle). His house is currently empty, apart from his bed.

So what? He can buy more stuff. You need to find your backbone here

So he’s better off and you’re worse off? That needs to change.
What would he actually do if you asked for a few hundred towards extra bills and loss of income?

The side hustle is nonsense. It might work for time rich people with nothing else to do just to make a few £. That’s not him.

Listen to your gut and run

He's not paying the agreed upon money. He's cheap AF.

Not asking him for it is unreasonable. He owes you money. What's he going to do, get mad and move out of his free place?

His side hustle of selling used clothes is not going to make him much unless he really knows fashion and has access to designer or vintage designer clothes.

He's making it pretty clear you're the one that's going to be doing the supporting and you have 2 children to support.

Not only should you not buy a house with this tightwad, make him go back to his own place. He's not paying any share of your increased bills and he's doing the bare minimum with the baby. The stuff he bought, tough. He never paid the agreed money to cover his way.

You need to go back to work after your maternity leave because you can't trust him to support you. He has reneged on every promise regarding him contributing financially. He sounds mean and selfish.

I wouldn't buy a property with him either.

Cocklodger?

Go back to work when maternity peve ends and keep renting - keep your independence.
Sit him down and agree a set amount for him to transfer for bills and food each month when he gets paid.

we agreed I wouldn’t go back to work after my maternity leave and he would support us. I

So how much is he proposing to transfer to you each month,? And your pension contributions? You are not married he does not have to support you only provide for dd and he is not doing that is he?

Do go back to work
Do ensure he pays half childcare costs
You would be mad to rely on him financially

No wonder your ex was useless it’s clear you have no boundaries. Which is fine if it’s just yourself( not really) but these poor boundaries are impacting your kids. You should be more concerned about your kids material life not your boyfriends.

Sorry if that sounds harsh but you really need to give your head a wobble.

No, I agree completely.

So he is now better off (paying less on bills and also has a new side hustle job). And you are poorer (your bills will have gone up).

Look at his actions, not his words. He said he would support you and the baby financially whilst you are on mat leave……. he hasn’t. He said he’d pay for half of the fridge…… he hasn’t.

Do you have a secure tenancy girl? Like council tenancy?

If so then fuck no!! Do not give it up for no man, you should only give it up if you can afford to buy solo and for no other reason! xx

For heaven's sake don't give up your job and your financial independence and security for his man! Very irresponsible.

Of course he sold all his furniture. 🙄
You do realise that every pound you spend on him is money that doesn't go towards your children? His penis must be golden.

Surely he shouldn’t really have any bills at his house? Yes, he has to keep the water and electric going, but he isn’t using any, so should be pennies. He can cancel the internet. He should be paying half the bills at your property because he has himself and a child living there. He should be paying roughly half of the food shopping and he should be putting money into an account every month to cover nappies, medicine, clothes, bedding, muslins, sippy cups, whatever for his daughter. Plus the fridge.

I’d be sitting down looking at your monthly expenses, working out a budget and telling him what he needs to transfer over. Plus his half of the fridge.

If he can’t afford it, he needs to stop doing work on his house, sell it as is and get rid of those extra costs and the mortgage payment.

FFS whatever you do don’t give up your job! You’re likely to become a single parent and will need a job.

Stop letting this nan mug you off op.

Find your anger and tell him he needs to pay his way. And also get the money for what he owes you. You need that for your kids!

Trust your gut. I beg you, please don't enter into such a huge financial commitment for 25+ years with this man who won't even pay you the £30 he promised he would. You will inevitably get fed up of this relationship (you've admitted you already are) and then you'll have the headache of splitting a home you've bought together. Stay put and make sure you go back to work. If you don't, you'll be fully reliant on him and it'll be much harder to leave. I'd be blunt - having him live there is putting you in financial difficulty. If he won't up his contribution, he'll have to move back to his house until it sells. Him staying with you and pushing you into financial hardship isn't a viable option. It doesn't sound like he offers much in the way of help with your baby, so I can't see what you'd lose if he did go.

Also works! 😂

"He is very tight with money when it comes to me, but happily spends it on pointless other things (scratch cards etc)."

And that will NEVER change. Trust your gut, do not tie yourself to this man financially.

"DP and I live together in my rented home because he is struggling to sell his house. He is doing some renovations at to try and sell it."

There is no incentive for him to get it sold - he is living at yours for nothing (bar food). What renovations? I'd be suggesting to him that he really needs to move back to his house and spend his evenings on the renovations, or 'they'll never be finished and he will never sell it' [whistles innocently].

He is taking you for a mug.

These are the most enormous red flags! You should definitely trust your instincts about him.

I think you should ask him to move out, and say it isn’t working out, end the relationship, and then claim maintenance from him. You’d be better off.

He has been asked for a minimal contribution from you, far less than you should be asking for, and he’s failed to meet that tiny contribution. He ought to be falling over himself to pay his share of the bills, plus a proper contribution towards the food shop, and more over and above that.

What does your DS think about having this man suddenly living in his home, as well as a new baby?

I agree with the others - whatever you do, you must go back to work once your maternity leave has ended. As for your DP, he is a tightwad and he is happy for you to pay for him. Get rid. If he wants his half of the furniture back, let him bloody have it and start again without him. Once a tight git, always a tight git. Pretty pathetic too, to waste his money on scratch cards while remaining silent about his unpaid share of your bills. Don't waste time on him, OP he's not worth it, seriously.