To not understand how a baby can be a “suprise” unless contraception failed

[Pebblesandstones008]

I understand if you are on contraception, been told for years you are infertile, or going through menopause that becoming pregnant is a shock.

But I don’t understand when friends tell me their baby is a surprise and proceed to tell me they used the pull out method or “got drunk one night” so forgot to use a condom.

Someone I follow online has announced their surprise baby, a huge shock, that she got pregnant 2 months after giving birth and wasn’t using contraception but was breastfeeding so didn’t think it was possible.

I just think do 2 adults not assume if they are having unprotected sex at any point their is a chance of pregnancy?

I'm always amazed at the stories about women not knowing they are pregnant until they are literally giving birth! I find it incredible that they went for 9 months with absolutely no pregnancy symptoms,e.g. no periods, feeling nauseous or being sick, feeling the baby moving,putting on weight, swollen stomach. No way would I have got past 4 months without suspecting something if I hadn't already known! Incidentally,my DD had a 'surprise baby'. She had been on the pill and had no symptoms,apart from a bit of nausea which she'd put down to a few hectic weeks preparing for her wedding. Then a week after she got married,she developed a UTI. The doctor did a urine test and also did a pregnancy test on it. Turned out she was 4 months pregnant. Surprise baby is now 19 and couldn't be more loved and wanted.

What do you want us to say? These people are very stupid and uneducated? Why are they your close friends if you hold such a low opinion of them?

Sorry, we cross posted. A fair few posters on here have said they never believe contraceptive failures though and I think it's all tied in together.

I think whatever the circumstances we should take the story (that they were genuinely surprised) at face value, even if in some cases you personally feel it was a stupid risk to take (e.g. pull out method).

My mum was told she was infertile.

Had me, was told it was absolutely a one off. She was “infertile”, breastfeeding and on the pill.

13 months later along came my little brother.

Because even though they didn’t take precautions they were surprised they got pregnant. Obviously.

I don’t wear a hood in case it rains but if I’m suddenly drenched by rain I am still surprised by it.

I think it's just that they didn't expect it to happen, not that they can't figure out how it happened. I know someone who had her first pregnancy in her late 40s and it came as a surprise. She thought that it would have happened years before if it was going to happen at all.

I met a woman at a playgroup who was expecting her second. She was having a planned caesarian, so I asked if she had family around to help with her toddler, as she wouldn't be able to lift him. She said "No, neither of the dads are involved. It's funny how it always happens on one-offs".

Good point.. always a suprise then!!

Like others have said just because you know pregnancy can happen doesn’t mean you’re expecting it to happen. When I buy a lottery ticket I know it’s possible I could become a multimillionaire overnight but it would still be a huge surprise if I did. Not as big a surprise as if I didn’t even buy a ticket granted but still a surprise.

When you’re at school it’s drummed into you that unprotected sex equals baby so I get the basic biology but my experience in adulthood is that everyone is talking about how difficult it is to conceive. Even without known fertility issues it’s reasonable to assume it’d take some sort of effort to fall pregnant. You only have to go on the TTC boards to see how complex it can be.

If someone’s using the pull out method and that’s worked for them for x amount of time I genuinely think it’s reasonable to describe a pregnancy as a surprise. But then I’ve been actively trying to conceive and it’s still a huge surprise to me when it actually works!

Yanbu. Some people fail to realise that just because you aren’t actively trying for a baby it doesn’t mean you won’t get pregnant if you’re not taking precautions!

Someone I know has had four “surprise” babies 🙄

I reread your OP.

You mention someone you "follow online". Is this a dear friend who you know the intimate details of?

You also failed to include the line "I only want people to remark on the exact circumstances in my OP (unless they agree with me, in which case they can digress as much as they like from the OP)".

I know of more than one ‘accidental’ third baby…!

It took me aaaaaaaaaages to conceive DS due to RM, I expected it to be similar second time around so thought I would get started early so at least the RMC could help if needed again. DTD once or twice in the month and DD was a sticky bean!

So I was knowingly not using protection but I was VERY surprised as I assumed another 2 years of miscarriage and heartache. So a nice surprise!

It’s even funnier when people say that they “fell pregnant” and then act baffled as to how it happened

Obviously it's your experience so you can label it what you like but this is totally the opposite of a surprise for me - I'd definitely consider this a very planned for pregnancy.

My first DC was a surprise as I was on the pill. Didn't skip any or take antibiotics or anything, so was pretty surprised but happy. Second DC we discussed having another child, I got my coil removed and got a positive pregnancy test the next month. I genuinely cannot imagine describing that as a "surprise". Deciding you want kids and not using contraception is by it's very definition trying for a baby right?

As far as the op goes, I wouldn't rely on it myself but I can see how if in the past you've got away with using the pull out method, you might assume that it's quite unlikely to result in a pregnancy.

DH and I have been having unprotected sex for the best part of 15 years. Had two planned conceptions but otherwise just avoid my ovulation time, which I do track very rigorously, and no accidents. So if I got unexpectedly pregnant at my age, 41, after many years of this working for us then yes, it would be a (happy but slightly terrifying) surprise. I kind of like leaving a little bit of it up to fate. What will be will be.

I think you are right. Although with me I really thought I wouldnt get pregnant or it would be hard to get pregnant for various reasons. But then it happened after a year and we werent actually 'trying' to get pregnant, it was more, we do want kids, lets see what happens as it probanbly won't happen but would be a nicr surpise if it did, so that part was a suprise, for me personally!

Why do you care, OP?

I would expect most people who’ve got pregnant have had unprotected sex more than once? Most infertility doctors expect you to have been trying (as in tracking ovulation and having sex when you know you’re fertile) for more than a year before they think you have fertility issues - because it often takes multiple attempts to get pregnant.

Statistically it is incredibly unlikely to have sex once and get pregnant. Not impossible, but I’d be more surprised to be pregnant from one instance of unprotected sex than I would be to find out I wasn’t pregnant…