To not understand how a baby can be a “suprise” unless contraception failed

[Pebblesandstones008]

I understand if you are on contraception, been told for years you are infertile, or going through menopause that becoming pregnant is a shock.

But I don’t understand when friends tell me their baby is a surprise and proceed to tell me they used the pull out method or “got drunk one night” so forgot to use a condom.

Someone I follow online has announced their surprise baby, a huge shock, that she got pregnant 2 months after giving birth and wasn’t using contraception but was breastfeeding so didn’t think it was possible.

I just think do 2 adults not assume if they are having unprotected sex at any point their is a chance of pregnancy?

There was no lecture and like a pp lots of midwives told me that bf would mean I couldn't get pregnant

I’m not getting into a competition about pregnancy loss or infertility, although I could. My point is that unless you know me very well, you wouldn’t know why my child was a surprise. We actually had a judgy comment from a friend about why were we acting surprised, didn’t we understand biology, when we were in fact (happily) shell-shocked.

I don't think it's so black and white. I think there are a lot of people who loosely use fertility tracking or pull-out methods, knowing they're not 100% reliable, when they'd be okay with having a baby but have a vague preference for it to be not immediately.

I meet a lot of people who basically think very literally, that avoiding pregnancy is always either 100% or 0%... I find it kind of a strange way of looking at things. It's a probability game and you can do things to influence your chances, sometimes you just want to leave a little bit up to fate...

Well no, pregnancy loss and infertility isn’t a competitive subject.

My point in my OP is when friends come to me to tell me they are shocked they are pregnant after using the pull out method. People I know well who tell me that they got pregnant on a drunk night out who do not have issues with fertility.

Your situation is not what my OP is about, I am really sorry that you had this comment by “friends” they are obviously not true friends…

My baby was a surprise. 3 years of unprotected sex and nothing, then BAM a baby out of nowhere.

Not sure how else to describe it.

Definitely a lovely suprise xx

I agree. And I believe the vast majority of surprise babies are planned.

That's not the meaning of "trying".

"Trying" is not synonymous with "failing to prevent".

Do you think it only counts as trying to get pregnant if you are tracking your ovulation, having sex at your most fertile times, etc.? Because I don't agree with that. If you are having unprotected sex it's exactly the same as "trying" to get pregnant.

Trying, by literal definition of the word itself, is when the hoped for outcome is a baby. Doesn't have to involve tracking cycles etc.

Not wanting a baby, but taking risks (for whatever reason - there are so many) is not the same. For people who don't want a baby but don't use traditional contraception (condoms, pill, implant etc) it's akin to a risky sport. Risky sports have a chance of accident, but people take those risks anyway. No one says someone who has a horseriding accident is "trying for an accident".

Yep. I've known at least 3 women who had "surprise" third babies.

Trying implies intent... That's the difference to me.

Every random person who has a hookup in a bar and forgets the condom is not "trying" to do anything.

They are risking a baby (and maybe are more or less okay with that outcome) but unless she set off that evening to try to find a "mark" to impregnate her I don't think it counts as trying.

Sorry I meant if you told me you had sex yesterday, there’s a 4% chance of pregnancy because I have no idea of your cycle - which presumably those with surprise babies are also not tracking.

It is statistically surprising to get pregnant from one instance of unprotected sex.

Well I was told that I was very likely to need fertility treatment to conceive as I have stage 4 endometriosis, so I was not expecting to get pregnant. However I got pregnant after only one time of not using contraception so I was really shocked. I am 11 weeks pregnant now. I think if a couple has no fertility issues and aren't using contraception then I can't understand why they're surprised but for someone like me I totally get it.

This I can believe!

I think we're arguing about semantics. But I don't agree with your analogy. Yes, horseriding accidents happen sometimes. But if you want to minimize the risk of serious injury you take steps to minimize it, such as wearing a helmet. Having sex without contraception is like riding a horse without implementing any safety measures. Yes, you're not trying to have an accident, but without taking any measures to prevent it you may as well be.

Yes fully agree xx

1st baby took my pill 1-2 miss a few, 17 year old me was genuinely surprised I was pregnant 🤣🤣 looking back now ofcourse I know I was stupid and it shouldn’t have been a shock!

2nd, I had the implant in so was a complete shock and surprise.

3rd, I had the coil in for over 9 years ofcourse changed just before the 5 year mark, definitely a surprise 🤣

But how were they surprises? Were they using contraception?

Agree, it may be for some people that they want to avoid judgement. And agree with other reasons people gave.

Ultimately, i don’t care if anyone calls their pregnancy a surprise. It doesn’t take away from anyone else, there are enough ‘surprises’ to go around. As long as they parents are happy and willing to care for the child.

I disagree that having unprotected sex means you're TTC. It does mean that you shouldn't be too surprised if you get pregnant, but it doesn't mean you're actively having sex with the intention of conceiving.

I was 18, drunk and daft. Definitely had no intention of having a baby (wouldn't change anything now, mind).

I'm being a bit tongue in cheek. In the case of 2 of the women I knew, their marriages weren't in the best place and they thought another baby would "keep their man". The DH in both cases very much did not want another child and it actually had the opposite affect.

Of course it's not incredibly unlikely! It only takes one sperm to fertilise an egg. There are well over eight billion people on Earth; how do you think they all got here?

Both our kids are surprises.
But if you are a couple being sloppy with contraceptive then either you are being idiotic or you actually do want kids together and have discussed it and aren't bothered if you get pregnant, just not planning it or putting any effort into deciding ecactly when. We were the latter. Discussed it, agreed we wanted kids, came off the pill and then forgot about it for a year until I got pregnant. Same with the second. I am not the type to plan, was kind of, if it happens it happens and were ready if it does. Then it was a nice surprise when it did happen.

Now that I'm thinking about it, maybe those of us who were lucky enough not to have any trouble conceiving see this differently to those who struggled. In my case I've been pregnant twice - both times the first month we were trying (i.e., not using contraception). I know I'm incredibly lucky in this, but I also know that if I did have unprotected sex (even now I'm in my 50s) there would be a chance I could end up pregnant and it wouldn't be a surprise. Well, maybe it would be somewhat of a surprise at my age, but I'm still not going to take the chance!