Is it traumatic for kids to move house?

[SilverDoublet]

We're about to move house to a bigger house. It's closer to my kids school and their friend/ grandparents and they will all get their own rooms for the teenage years. Now I feel rediculously sad that they are leaving a house where they spent their early childhood and I'm terrified it's going to affect them in some bad way. So much so that I'm looking for ways to stay put in our small house. Am I being stupid thinking like this? Please help.

I clicked the wrong vote sorry (I’m ill with this nasty bug doing the rounds) - clicked you are not being unreasonable to move then when I saw the results I realised your question was about feeling the way you do.

we moved house when our kids were 4 and 20 months. We moved from a village to my home town where our eldest was at school, in the same town as my parents and sister, to a detached house from a semi…. The kids weren’t traumatised at all. Neither of them remember the old house really, and both were very happy in the new home as it meant shorter days (as would be home from school earlier as we didn’t have to drive to the village), they could have friends round or go to friends houses after school, kids that lived near by were more likely to be going to the same school, and they got to go to Grandma’s for tea a lot more often!

All kids are different. We’r just coming up to 2 years in our new house (less than 15mins from the old one) and we all love it.

i hated the old house and never settled in it in 16 years! Wasn’t sad to leave as i had spent years wanting to but i did think how it was a house of “firsts”. The first one we bought together, left for our wedding from it, brought kids home to it & my waters went in it too. Had our dog there and he was also put to sleep at home & both my parents who are now gone have been it it and i remember thinking that all of those “firsts” are just memories now and they come with me where ever i go. We made a big deal of new bedrooms etc and not once have my kids looked back. New house is in a new estate so play park here and lots of kids about and my oldest was already at the high school so not much changed in that sense. We slowly dropped clubs (their choice) and moved to new ones but didn’t change schools at first. We have now and they settled so well there too. It’s been positive in every sense for us as a family and i’m only sad we couldn’t do it years ago.

I think moving within the same area should be absolutely fine.

We moved hundreds of miles when I was a kid - I went to three secondary schools, and it wasn't great as it disrupted my friendship circle and education. This should be avoided if possible but sometimes these things have to happen - work, jobs, housing insecurity etc.

No.

We moved around a lot because of my fathers work. One time I said "see you Monday" to my friends on a Friday and was told by my mum that I wouldn't as we were moving cross country that weekend. My response was "sounds good, where are we going?". She will have told me before, it just didn't occur to me as being important. New adventures. New people. It's what made me the person I am today.

There are those that will be horrified by this but it was also the sacrifice we made as a family so that my father could be as successful as he was. Everyone envies the spoils, no one envies the journey. As I say, made us all really.

In terms of the house move when I was a child, we moved out of my grandparent's house who had always been there for me and my brother, to the other side of the city, and my grandparent died soon after the move

That is a totally different scenario and you need to separate your feelings about this from the current situation.
The children will be absolutely fine. There is nothing "traumatic" about a house move when children will be moving with their parents to a new place which is actually better located for school and friends etc. Plus there's the excitement of more space and new rooms.

You need to reframe your thinking urgently or your children will pick up on your feelings which arise from the loss of your grandparent and not actually from the house move itself.

I have a friend that moved all of the time, she said she feels rootless, as an adult, that no one place feels like home. I think it can cause insecurity having to keep starting over again. A homeless feeling of never being settled. I am not sure it is ideal, and can create insecure attachment disorder.

Of course they are attached to their home. Is that going to traumatise them? Unlikely. But they will take their cues from you. If you act all upset and sad they are more likely to as well. Focus on the positives.

Those describing trauma above this is usually the biggest impact losing freinds/family/social life or status. Sounds like they aren't even changing schools , actually nearer and closer to family - so its all a win. Please don't worry!! I panicked when we moved as my eldest had to move nursery. She was 3 and I was convinced she was going to be traumatised by losing the only freinds she had ever known within a couple of weeks she couldn't remember any of the other kids' names

Depends on how you support them through the change.
kids need to experience change and upheaval to build resilience and confidence.
but they need information and autonomy and choice to navigate it successfully.
what can you do to make this a positive rather than a negative experience?

I don’t think you should make any comparison between your own lived experience and what’s happening now as the circumstances, unless there’s much more to this move that you haven’t mentioned, are very different. If you are moving to a bigger house without separation/redundancy/bereavement as a back drop it will hopefully be seen as a positive to the DC. Only real issue might be very local neighbours or friends who would no longer be on the door step.

You can't put your life on hold in case you upset your children (obviously within reason). By it's very nature life is constant stream of changes, it has to be! We need to learn this in our formative years to build resilience and access the emotional tools we need as adults.

The bit about not having friends from childhood resonates with me. We moved loads of times, emigrated to Australia, came back, moved 3 times in 12 months, different areas and schools each time. I was most affected due to age, my sister had left school when we came back from Australia, my brother was in primary and very young, I was the middle child and at senior school. I did 7 schools in 5 years, in 2 different countries and 3 different education boards . When I had to move my childrens schools I was wary of them losing friends but I was only moving primary in the same area. They still have friends from both primary schools now, and they're 34 and I'm very glad for them but sad I don't have that.
If you're in the same area and school, I'm sure they'll be fine.

How do you think military children cope? I moved every 2.5 years from age 3, am I traumatised? Of course not! I do worry that children are mollycoddled to such an extent that come adult hood they won’t be able to cope with anything.

Thanks for posting OP, this thread is so interesting and relevant to me. We just moved and it’s been hard. In our case though it was a really stressful move involving loads of hurdles and a time spent living with extended family for a few weeks, miles away from schools/nursery and all sharing one room! It was super stressful for us adults probably one of the most stressful of my life. There was no dressing it up as fun it was an absolute nightmare (but again that was just because of various factors specific to our situation). As a result my eldest son 8 has been having a difficult time with it all. He is having a lot of anxiety where previously he was quite resilient. It is getting better bit by bit, and I am sure he will be fine soon. Despite all this it’s definitely a positive thing. We moved as a family of four from a two bedroom flat to a three bedroom house with big garden. My two boys can have their own rooms in the future when they want. I definitely think it’s one of those things that is an upheaval but can be really positive. From the other perspective my parents were super cautious and never made any huge leaps or changes when I was growing up. They lived in the same place, never moved, never did it up, even after divorcing they barely changed their lives or routine. It’s quite sad really to see them aging and it feels like they haven’t had many adventures. Do the move and try and enjoy the ride! Far scarier to make no huge changes ever, in my opinion!

Not stupid. I also feel awful if I upset my child. I think today we pander to our children far more than we were pandered to. I'm not saying it's a bad thing. I think trying to make sure our kids are happy is brilliant, but at the same time they also need adverse experiences and learning experiences.

So negative stuff, while heartbreaking in the moment, is actually good for them long-term. They will learn how to deal with different emotions.

I think it's best to support your child through this lovingly and explain why it's needed and how it will improve life. Share their feelings of loss with them and perhaps bring things from your current home into your new home such as memories, maybe a picture of the old house in the new house? Things like that.

They should be ok. My son is 11 and he’s on his 5th house including moving countries! It helps if you can get a lot of the boring move but done while they are at school. And maybe if they can do a club after or go to a friend’s house so you can crack on as much as possible. Ask your moves to prioritise (once everything is unloaded) making up the kids beds (if they’ve been dismantled etc) and you can Chuck the bedding back on (stick it in a labelled bin bag you can put in your car) and put the soft toys back on so it’s all familiar.

I’m sorry you felt that way, if you don’t mind can I ask a bit more about how you think it changed your whole perception of yourself? If you can remember that is. I think my DS (8) is going through this a bit after our recent stressful move (no school change and similar area) and I’m just looking for ways I can support him

We have got to stop flinging the word trauma around like it’s meaningless.

moving house may be unsettling, moving schools can be very difficult. But it’s your job as the parent to help your children adjust and cope with change.

It’s a big change but it shouldn’t be traumatic. This is a good opportunity to develop resilience and to talk about that, of course also giving them space to feel sad and to adjust. Life is full of changes and that doesn’t need to be bad or scary.

New house with own bedrooms but with same school, friends and nearer to grandparents should be absolutely fine. I think some children find moving house to a completely new area, so new school, having to make new friends and leave old ones behind and further away from family (where there is an established relationship and routine of seeing family) can be hard.

I don't think so. As a family we moved house 11 times in 22 years with the children, due to my husband's RAF career. If anything they enjoyed and thrived from it.

Moving house doesn't traumatisé children but having an overly-sentimental drip for a mother probably does.

My DF was in the RAF. We moved house every 3 years. All over the country and twice to foreign countries. It was hard for us leaving our friends behind every time but this won’t be the case for your DC. Moving into a new house though… exciting! We loved it! Sadly we didn’t get to choose on the bedroom front, we had to alternate in getting the big bedroom. Sadly for me our last RAF house it was my turn to get the box room and we were there over 4 years. 🤬🤣

It was an awful experience for me. But that’s because I had to change schools at age 9, in the middle of the school year and I ended up very lonely with no friends. I vowed I would never do this to our DC.

However it sounds like your DC are not changing schools so should be fine.

I don’t think I ever gave the old house a second thought though.

If you are only changing the house and not the rest of their lives you should be fine. It's when you completely uproot them from friends/schools/clubs that you can have issues. I moved multiple times as a child but all involved substantial distances and I hated it. I would never put my dc through the same experience.