Partner hands off parent

[JJ1992]

I'm utterly fed up. I really feel my partner isn't pilling his weight as a parent.

He is self employed and very good at handy jobs around the house - but this just happens to be the perfect excuse to get out of almost every parenting situation.

Tonight I am furious. I was working away from my regular office today a two hour drive away - our day ran on and I was running late.
I usually pick up my son from childcare on a tues ( i do all drop offs and 3/4 days pick ups) - I text my partner to tell him I would be about an hour past usual pick up due to delays - he responded an hour later saying he had come home and was stripping wallpaper ( this needs to be done by tomorrow) and hadn't looked at his phone. He knew there was potential for me to be late - and he was home early - but didn't bother to offer to collect our son/ communicate about this.

Why does this annoy me ?

He does this all the time - comes home and starts jobs / works from home and never considers picking our son up if its not his designated day. Our son is in childcare 4 days a week while I work - i feel guilty about the lack of time at home and am constantly truing to rush away from my work to make sure my son isn't spending more time away than he needs to. Why doesn't he feel the same empathy for our child? He has never taken him out of nursery to spend a day with him in the 2.5 years he has been there.

I'm just feeling overall disappointed with how he is treating both me and my son. We have been in many similar situations before and I have expressed how disappointing it is when I'm working late (unplanned) and he's at home and he doesn't ever think to collect our son. Just gets on with other things. If I ask him to, he will - but I often get a long list of all the things he's busy with first.

AIBU to expect my partner to be an equal parent ? 😑

P.s - I would've helped strip the walls later. I just feel like getting our child home should've been more of a priority for him.

If you've paid for the childcare, I'd be happy to have the child there for the paid for hours.
Maybe your partner thinks the same.

I’m not sure I would say he is not pulling his weight just because he doesn’t think to take his child out of nursery or pick him up earlier - that is not the norm and I don’t think makes him a bad dad. If you have set days to pick up then I would expect that to be what is happening. If you are going to be late and want your DH to pick up then you need to let him know (and I would phone in that scenario to make sure the message is received and he agrees to the pick up).

the question is what is he like the rest of the time as this feels like a specific issue you have because he doesn’t act how you would but I don’t think that makes him any less of a parent by itself

It isn’t his day to pick up and is getting on with jobs. If you are going to be late surely just call him to tell him, as he isn’t checking his phone for texts

What’s the day to say split of household chores and admin?

Who gets son ready, dressed, fed etc?

I ask as I suspect this is an example of a wider pattern where you do most of the care for your child.

I would have called for him to collect but yes, if one of us is early we get the children (or do a chore like shopping then get them) but we communicate about it.

I'm guessing this is part of a bigger picture on the whole op but this exact scenario wouldn't bother me unless your child was left stranded at daycare past their closing pick up time.

If I knew my child was safe at nursery I would 100% be taking advantage of that time to do a job that would be harder with him there like stripping wallpaper especially if you're on a deadline to get that done by tomorrow. Why would you bust yourself to stay up late tonight to do it when he could get cracking on it and give you both an easier night?

Not being available on his phone is a different matter but then I'd also probably have phoned to communicate that i couldn't do the planned pickup and make the arrangement properly rather than just text which is easily missed. He's not been sitting watching TV or lazing around, he's been getting on with jobs that you're under pressure to get finished. I'd have been annoyed if he'd pushed that back and left it to when I got home and when ds was in bed and I was tired.

It sounds like you're putting yourself under far too much pressure with your misplaced guilt around using childcare. How old is your child and how long have they been settling into the childcare setting? I will often take the opportunity to get ds earlier sometimes but I absolutely use the hours to get stuff done around my home that are just easier without him underfoot so I can be more present when he is there rather than trying to juggle around him.

Yeah I did try calling but no answer.
He is also capable of making a phone call - he was no longer working, knew i was working 2 hours away , he knew there was potential for delay / traffic but didn't offer to help.

I definitely do put pressure on myself - my son is 3 and in nursery 4 days from 07:45 to usually 16:30-17:00.
By the time my partner saw my message it was 17:30 - by the time I collected my son it was 18:00. I just feel for a young kid that's a long day away from home. Especially unnecessarily..

Well how much did they want to be a parent when you both decided to have a baby? did he suddenly have a total personality change when your child arrived? but just because he is not what you have decided he has to be does not make him bad, you must have set expectations before having a child so what has changed?

I’m sorry if I missed it - but do you mean that your son went beyond the time he should have been in nursery, or that he was still doing his paid for hours but you like him picked up early?

Yes I see how it's confusing - we pay until 18:30 but he is usually home around 5.
I'm supposed to finish work at 4 but my finish time is very variable due to the nature of my work so I'm often later away than planned.
My partners finish time is also very variable - often later than me which is why I automatically do most pick ups. But sometimes he could pick our son up but just doesn't bother

I wouldn't be taking mine out of nursery for the day when I'd paid for it either. As for picking up early that would depend on what else I had planned. If I was taking the kids out somewhere i may do early pickup but if it was just going home I'd rather have to hours peace after work before dealing with child

As long as he's picked up by half 6 why us it an issue?

If we waited until half 6 every day he would be in nursery 11 hours a day four days a week ... do you not think that's an awful lot? If he could be at home sooner?

Why is your way the only way?

Because it's my child? 😂

We pay for childcare to 6.30 but I don’t think either child has stayed past 5.15 - not sure that’s unusual?

on second reading my DH would have collected DC as I’d had a long day/drive. As I’d do for him.

You didn’t answer re everything else, if DH pulls his weight in other areas then I suppose this is just different expectations.

I agree OP, i suppose it’s good he was getting on with something useful but that is a long day for your son in nursery, and I would want it to cross my DP mind to do an earlier pick up. They’re only young children once.

We cannot take leave from nursery and they are open 50 weeks of the year - so by that notion our kid would have 2 weeks off the whole year from nursery - there is no other education/ work environment where that would happen... so technically yes we can put him in every single day we have paid for but he is there out of necessity while we work.. it's not jail.
He can have a day off like anyone else in the world would..

It’s also his.

it’s perfectly reasonable if you have paid till 6.30 and have household stuff to do, to leave him there till 6.30.

if you are saying if you were stuck till gone 6.30 and he still wouldn’t have looked at his phone or picked up his son, then that is one (bad) thing, but leaving him in childcare you’ve paid for is fine.,

It is long but you’re paying for it after all and DH was doing useful stuff. I think it depends on your child, if they are happy in nursery until 6.30 then I would personally snap up the chance to get on with the wallpaper job which needed doing same day. However if you only pay for those evening hours as a kind of “emergency back up” and your child finds it very tiring and has meltdowns or difficult bed times after then I would agree with you, pick up is a priority. But both are valid options, you need to have a sit down with DH and discuss what is the priority if either one of you gets back early.

it doesn’t sound like he was taking the piss, he was doing something useful, I would have been more cross if he was playing x box

So the child was an immaculate conception?

Financially he takes on much more of the load- although that is balancing out a bit now.
But we do both work.
I do 80% drop off/ pick ups , most of the housework and pretty much all bathing / washing / dressing / bedtimes. My partner cooks dinner most nights and ill clean up after.
He is very good around the house and does a lot of handy jobs (fixing things etc)

I sometimes feel like I am not able to get my jobs done ( fall behind with cleaning ) because by the time I work, take care of our son and do the essentials there is no time left. Also, i am often single parenting while he get his jobs done. Very rarely the other way about where he would take our son out to allow me time to clean etc.

Honestly I cba with your comment. You've completely missed the point of what I'm saying.
Partner didn't care what happened to our son - that's the point. He left it to me and it never crossed his mind until I highlighted that I'd be late - even then he didn't even look at his phone until after we should've been home. Also - still didn't offer to pick him up. Made it clear he was too busy.

Dd1 was in nursery - full days 7.30 - 6 but I used to drop off around 7.45 and tried my best to leave work at 4 each night if I could. It didn't matter that we were paying for it - we were paying for the convenience of the space if we needed it NOT to leave her there all the hours! My mum would often pick her up after lunch if she was free and during school holidays (I'm a teacher) the paid place was there but rarely used! I completely get where you're coming from op, I would be disappointed that oh isn't prioritising dc in the same way x

I get you OP, I'd feel the same.

He knew you hadn't picked your son up because you hadn't come back home, so he should have bloody checked for a start. It's the assumption that you are doing it and it's not his job or responsibility that would piss me off too, and it didn't occur to him that you were running late and it would have been nice to go and collect him, so you didn't have to after a long day and your child wasn't there any longer than he needed to be.

He is prioritising himself over the child basically, and taking you for granted to boot, the 'I'm alright Jack' attitude doesn't really cut it when you are a parent.

Would he understand if you sat down and talked about it?