Partner hands off parent

[JJ1992]

I'm utterly fed up. I really feel my partner isn't pilling his weight as a parent.

He is self employed and very good at handy jobs around the house - but this just happens to be the perfect excuse to get out of almost every parenting situation.

Tonight I am furious. I was working away from my regular office today a two hour drive away - our day ran on and I was running late.
I usually pick up my son from childcare on a tues ( i do all drop offs and 3/4 days pick ups) - I text my partner to tell him I would be about an hour past usual pick up due to delays - he responded an hour later saying he had come home and was stripping wallpaper ( this needs to be done by tomorrow) and hadn't looked at his phone. He knew there was potential for me to be late - and he was home early - but didn't bother to offer to collect our son/ communicate about this.

Why does this annoy me ?

He does this all the time - comes home and starts jobs / works from home and never considers picking our son up if its not his designated day. Our son is in childcare 4 days a week while I work - i feel guilty about the lack of time at home and am constantly truing to rush away from my work to make sure my son isn't spending more time away than he needs to. Why doesn't he feel the same empathy for our child? He has never taken him out of nursery to spend a day with him in the 2.5 years he has been there.

I'm just feeling overall disappointed with how he is treating both me and my son. We have been in many similar situations before and I have expressed how disappointing it is when I'm working late (unplanned) and he's at home and he doesn't ever think to collect our son. Just gets on with other things. If I ask him to, he will - but I often get a long list of all the things he's busy with first.

AIBU to expect my partner to be an equal parent ? 😑

P.s - I would've helped strip the walls later. I just feel like getting our child home should've been more of a priority for him.

I think he is being a problem. I think you may need to get a middle person involved, such as your partners mother or his side of the family to keep him in check. He isnt listening to you, he should be.

Don't get it just seems a petty thing to jump on tbh. My hubby is a little similar in that he will do all jobs actually I think it's great anything I ask he will get into it after work or on weekends, I don't mind and neither would I pay and not leave child in childcare. You chose to do all of that anyhow work and leave in childcare

You've got a partner who prioritises things over and above the direct family/parenting concerns. He's unlikely to change. Whether or not you're ready to live with that is a choice for you to make, basically. Good luck.

Wow I have woke up to some genuinely helpful responses - thank you.
Yesterday was maybe not the best example of what's bothering me but it is an example and yeah probably need another serious chat about it.
Might be good idea to speak to his mum about it. You're right that we have chosen to work this much/ take on all these tasks and that's maybe the source of all the pressure but the pressure should fall on both of us not just me I feel.

There seem to be issues but I don't understand your frustration in this scenario. You said that paper had to be stripped off the wall by the following day. Surely this was therefore a priority. How was he supposed to get on with it and looked after your two years old? It sounds like this was the perfect example of why it was good to make the most of the hours you pay nursery to look after your child?

To be clear i never expected him to do it while our son was there - this would just never in a million years happen.
He didn't tell me that what was happening until an hour after I tried to get a hold of him , still didn't offer to help with our son and at no point before starting / during did he consider offering to pick him up knowing my busy schedule that day.
When I came home I would've taken over looking after the little one , he could crack on with the job and then I would help after little one in bed.
What he was trying to do was fit in the scraping into his working day - as he is self employed and chooses his working hours. But he didn't take note of the time or.where I was he just went about it like a job that he was working late at.

I get what you mean about conditioning but to me it sounds like OP wants her H to prioritise their child sometimes, which is completely understandable.

DH & I usually pre agree who is doing drop off/pick up at the beginning of the week, but there have been many occasions when we're both working from home and he's stood up at 5pm and said he's going to get DD. Her nursery was open 8-6 but she usually did 9-5.30 and that wasn't motivated by guilt for either of us, just that those were the hours we actually needed covered.

When I came home I would've taken over looking after the little one , he could crack on with the job and then I would help after little one in bed
How did he knew that? In this specific scenario, I feel it was the most sensible decision to leave your son in nursery and crack on with the job.

My thought would have been that after a long day at work, the last thing you'd want to do was to look solely after your son in the evening and help afterwards, and that getting on with it so you could come home, seeing that it had already been done and you didn't need to worry about it and relax after your son was in bed was the most caring option.

Just showing that there can be different perceptions to any situations.

This is interesting, because it's potentially the most caring of OP, but not of their son - and OP would generally prefer that their son is put first (their son has also had a long day - made longer by being left at nursery when he didn't need to be)

OP's partner knew when their child was generally picked up, knew that OP might be late, and didn't think at any point to check if OP was going to be late and it might be worth going to get their son.

It's a total abdication of responsibility and care for their son - he's still acting as though he's in a couple, not a father.

This, it’s the fact that his child didn’t cross his mind.

Your partner is a dud.

Sorry. It amazes me there are so many stories like this. Men who want to produce children but not actively parent them.

I think most would think 11 hours a day in daycare is a lot…

That was me said about an HOUR to myself. So that means I shouldn't have kids. Strange all these SAHM are told to make time for themselves

Dying single is fine though….

I think we all get the need for an hour to yourself sometimes. I just don't think I'd do it at the expense of my child being 11 hours at nursery.

Even now, I work flexibly from home, I'm a single mum with a disinterested ex, so I have 99% care for them and do indeed need the occasional hour to myself, but when my 15 year old finishes school early and pings me I'll go and get him if I can, because on the balance of things, me kinda wanting that hour beats him having to hang around at school for that hour. I will find my hour another time. And that's a 15 year old. A toddler already at nursery all day - hell yes, I would have to be on my knees before I left them there for 11 hours when there was no need.

@JJ1992YANBU. Have you sat down with your partner and asked him why he seems to be avoiding his own child?

@PollyBellfyi it’s a common misconception (no pun intended) that the immaculate conception refers to the virgin birth. In fact it is the belief that Mary, the mother of Jesus, was herself conceived without sin, therefore making her qualified for the job.

When do you get that hour then if you pick a child up from nursery to take home then straight into the stuff that needs doing at home? As for a 15 year old surely they can't get home from school by themselves at that age

Why didn't you just say 'Im running late- can you pick our child up from nursery?'

@JJ1992 you are not married and children born to unmarried parents are far more likely to end up being raised by 1 parent alone. Have you ever sat down together and planned how child rearing is going to look? Pre-marriage courses can be really useful in working out where a couple may have challenges in important aspects like chid rearing and finances …. its never too late to actually have some support in working out what being together looks like in practise and how to communicate what you each need. I’m married to someone self employed and they can often have a very different concept of how a working week can look like (but equally can be loads of help in meeting childs needs,pick ups, attending sports days, parent-teacher meetings etc etc when the other parent is in full time paid work and has far less flexibility).

It sounds as though they have to pay for 4 days child care per week for the 50 weeks that the nursery is open, even if they are on annual leave. So technically they could keep their child in nursery for the full 50 weeks, even if they are on annual leave themselves, which obviously OP wouldn't want to do. I'm not sure about her partner though.

But that's normal. My kids nursery was the same. We still took holiday

So why is it unreasonable for me to expect my partner to take him out of nursery once and a while to spend time with him ? I do it all the time when I'm on leave from work. (I do also leave him in sometimes when I'm off- as this is the only time I can get my house deep cleaned etc )

If you're 'on your knees' then you've already got well beyond the point where you're not giving them your best. Noone should be on their knees before feeling able to take care of themselves and acknowledge their own needs. You are the cog that keeps your family wheel turning. If you burn out then everything goes down the pan. One extra hour every now and then in a safe and child focused environment is not going to be so hugely detrimental to your child to justify this type of statement.

It’s not unreasonable, but the particular occasion you chose to post here was entirely reasonable. He was doing a job that needed to be done in a short time frame whilst the 3 year old was being looked after in a safe space.

I suspect it’s part of a wider problem - but that’s not what you posted about here.

If I came home to husband stripping wallpaper I would honestly be patting him on the back and handing him a beer.

It’s not op. It’s not at all. It’s completely normal to want to spend time with your child. A lot of us are forced to use nurseries and honestly it’s robbed so many of spending quality time with their children during very key and formative years.

You need to speak to your husband and make him understand how you feel. This is his child and he should be parenting too.