Partner hands off parent

[JJ1992]

I'm utterly fed up. I really feel my partner isn't pilling his weight as a parent.

He is self employed and very good at handy jobs around the house - but this just happens to be the perfect excuse to get out of almost every parenting situation.

Tonight I am furious. I was working away from my regular office today a two hour drive away - our day ran on and I was running late.
I usually pick up my son from childcare on a tues ( i do all drop offs and 3/4 days pick ups) - I text my partner to tell him I would be about an hour past usual pick up due to delays - he responded an hour later saying he had come home and was stripping wallpaper ( this needs to be done by tomorrow) and hadn't looked at his phone. He knew there was potential for me to be late - and he was home early - but didn't bother to offer to collect our son/ communicate about this.

Why does this annoy me ?

He does this all the time - comes home and starts jobs / works from home and never considers picking our son up if its not his designated day. Our son is in childcare 4 days a week while I work - i feel guilty about the lack of time at home and am constantly truing to rush away from my work to make sure my son isn't spending more time away than he needs to. Why doesn't he feel the same empathy for our child? He has never taken him out of nursery to spend a day with him in the 2.5 years he has been there.

I'm just feeling overall disappointed with how he is treating both me and my son. We have been in many similar situations before and I have expressed how disappointing it is when I'm working late (unplanned) and he's at home and he doesn't ever think to collect our son. Just gets on with other things. If I ask him to, he will - but I often get a long list of all the things he's busy with first.

AIBU to expect my partner to be an equal parent ? 😑

P.s - I would've helped strip the walls later. I just feel like getting our child home should've been more of a priority for him.

Is he not also your husbands child then?

Stripping wallpaper that needs to be done by tomorrow isn't prioritising himself though is it. Its doing a job that needed to be done and can't be done with a child running around

Yeah he is.. that's the whole point of my post.
I'd like him to take more responsibility ?

There's always something more important though

What do you mean you can't take leave from nursery?

And what about when you go on holiday etc. surely he gets time off . The nursery aren't going to force him to be there. And he has 3 days a week off anyway.

But it doesn't mean he has to think the same way asyou about the nursery.. If the child was neglected you might have a point but he was in childcare.

Or was it better to take him home early and start stripping wallpaper around him?

Obviously he is, which is why it should occur to him to go and collect his child from nursery when his wife is working away and running late coming home.

Why is it his wife's 'job' to do it when he is at home already?? Why should she have to ASK him to do anything related to the child.. as a parent he should KNOW what needs to be done and just do it, instead he gives her a list of excuses as to why he hasn't done it or can't do it or just ignores it altogether and busies himself with something he would prefer to be doing, leaving all the childcare to OP.

There is a much deeper issue at play here and it is nothing to do with getting your money's worth out of the nursery.

Perhaps he didn't feel it necessary though.

And tbh it wasn't as you were back to pick the child up in time

If he’s not pulling his weight and hasn’t got a connection with his own son he needs to build one or risk dying alone. He needs to wake up and do his share of parenting. Time to have THE CONVERSATION xx

I completely understand OP. What a shame so many people would rather leave their child at nursery until 6.30 rather than pick them up early if they had the opportunity. It is a long day for them. One person said they would rather have an hour to themselves. Makes you wonder why some people have kids.

I'm with you, OP. I have a 17 month old girl. She's at nursery three times a week, and my mum's the other two days. I work full time and feel INCREDIBLY guilty. The nursery is open until 6, but I almost always get her at 5. If I finished work early, it's the first place I'd be.

I feel very guilty and pretty much always feel desperate to see her by the time I'm done. She likes nursery, but I think it is a long day and a long time to be away from a primary caregiver that young. It feels odd that so many people don't seem to feel the same. It just feels unnatural to me to be apart from a child that young for so long. I couldn't imagine choosing to strip a wall/do housework/delay until 6 to have an hour to myself.

Perhaps he didn't feel it necessary though.

Yes, that is the problem, he didn't feel it necessary because he'd rather do something HE wanted to do then actively parent his child, a common problem according to OP.

And tbh it wasn't as you were back to pick the child up in time

You're missing the point entirely, he was already home, why should his wife who is working away and running late have to add something else on to her to do list before she can get home?

The person with the most time on their hands should be the one that picks up the slack, not choose to do any other 'busywork' to get out of parenting responsibilities and leave it all to your wife.

No wonder she is utterly fed up.

How much parenting does he do? Why doesn’t he do more bedtimes etc?

I thought I was going to read about a lazy husband at the couch watching Netflix with a cold beer...

I get the point but the husband was taking care of a job at home with a deadline.

Maybe it's time to have less DIY deadlines so dad is free to pick up early from nursery.

You’re describing guilt though, not empathy. I think the OP is talking about guilt really too. And guilt around childcare is pretty gendered.Nobody is telling men they’re ‘unnatural’ for wanting an hour to themselves to get on with a task.

I think this explains most of the difference in your husbands attitude OP. He hasn’t been conditioned his whole life to feel bad about this.

I do feel guilty, but also just genuinely want to be home. Even if I hadn't been 'conditioned', I love my girl, and want to be with her. I hate that I have to work full time. There's just an innate sense it doesn't feel right to be apart from my young child that long, and I genuinely think for me it's quite a biological feeling 🤷

I don't feel bad about doing things for myself. I'm happy to take an hour for myself on a weekend. I like doing my hobbies when she's in bed. But it also doesn't change the fact that 10 hours at nursery is a long time. It feels long for me. I just want her home and with me at that point!

So your child was in safe nursery for a slot that you’ve paid for. Your husband was doing a job which needs doing, and probably would be unsafe/ difficult to complete with a 3 year old running about. It’s usually your job to pick the child up.

No sorry OP, I can’t imagine being at home stripping wall paper and getting an earful because my wife failed to get home at her usual hour.

I absolutely would sometimes rather have an hour to myself. I'm a completely lone parent and work full time, have limited support nearby and do the role of two people. So having an hour to myself when I know my child is safe and cared for is like a gift when I get it. Martyrdom and burning myself out doesn't make me a better parent, having the odd hour every few weeks to refill my own cup does. Mothers are allowed to be human as well without it meaning they shouldn't have bothered to have children you know. It is absolutely zero reflection on how much I love and am dedicated to my son.

I see you hear you and think your concern is totally reasonable. I’d go get my son when I was free to get him. Simple as that and if you were having a long day I’d take this extra thing from you so you could get straight home. Seems basic teamwork to me

I get the perspective with this, but is it actually helpful if it leaves op starting to strip wallpaper at 9pm at night when she's tired and had that long day? By getting stuck in to it, he's taken that task off her shoulders and it meant when she came home she was able to prioritise their son which seems to be her option of choice? I can see how he could have genuinely thought he was being helpful to op by doing this. But then I can't think of anything worse than having to start to strip a room at bedtime.

The most unhelpful response if there ever was.

Op, you’re not being unreasonable at all. DH has a very stressful career with long hours including night shifts. He did 50 percent if not more of the parenting. Our entire schedule revolved around the children and their needs all other tasks were secondary. He spent every free minute with the kids. Your husband doesn’t want to parent, it’s as simple as that. You need to sit down and have a word with him. As for feeling guilty about your child being in nursery that is a valid concern. It’s terrible that if he works from home he cannot get up and collect your child. These years are fleeting and they’re only children for a small period so you should absolutely be trying to spend whatever time you can with your child, should he.

Exactly. I understand this is likely a deeper ongoing issue - but in this instance the OP's partner appears to have made a sensible decision!

On this particular occasion he was right but maybe it’s time for a talk with him about how he should work with you to ensure your dc spends less time in nursery going forward and unless there are any urgent or time sensitive jobs the priority is to pick him up as early as possible.

Is he nervous about spending alone time with a young child? Maybe have a calm chat about why he avoids doing it but tonight’s example is not a good one to pick