20 year old thinks we’re mad to think about selling ‘her’ car

[JCB4]

through a loss in the family we ended up with an opportunity to buy another family members car for much cheaper than we could have bought anywhere else, great car, low mileage etc. We paid £3500 and offered it to DD1 (19) as she was keen to take up driving. She had lessons in the passed but didnt stick at it. So she would have some value we said she could contribute £1000 from her savings ( that we have saved). I didn’t actually move the money but she doesn’t know that. Fast forward 4 months and she got sacked from her job ( after 4 weeks ) and hasn’t found another. Lies in bed most days until dinner time and does nothing to help out around the house. We have had to pay insurance, MOT and she hasn’t made any effort to study her theory. Tonight I said the car will have to go if you haven’t got a job by next month as we can’t afford to keep paying for it. She replied yeah I know but atleast il get the money for it! I said no you will get your £1000 back and we will be selling the car for what it’s worth. This was an opportunity for you and you havnt taken it. AIBU here? She’s absolutely fuming saying it’s her car and she should get the money. The car is in my name so it’s technically mine. I’m shocked she would even think that she can just sell it making thousands of profit when she’s made no effort to get a job to pay for it.

Can't really argue with this.

Playing devil's advocate over ownership, but the daughter really needs to pull up her big-girl pants now and step up.

Oh good grief.

The daughter has had plenty of time here to act like an adult. She's acting like a petulant tween. At this point, fuck this reasonable shit. That ship has sailed.

So yes it is tough titty. It's not bullying. It's having enough of being taken for an absolute mug by an ungrateful brat.

Being reasonable isn't going to change the daughter's attitude.

If she wants to be a baby then mummy and daddy can decide to take away her toys. This the level she's playing so really it is tough.

If she wants to had a car she needs to demonstrate that at the very least she's going to make an effort to study her theory. Otherwise mummy and daddy are just going to continue to piss money up the wall on insurance. They can't not insure the vehicle and that's part of the problem.

Ultimately if she wants to whine that it's her car, then she either accepts that she needs to get off her arse and pay the insurance. If she's got no job she's not going to be able to do this is she now?

Or Mum is generous and gives her back her £1000 (after mum and dad have pissed money up the wall on insurance that has no benefit to driving as the car has just sat there) and it's sold so mum no longer has to pay insurance on a car that's not being used and the daughter has no intention of using.

The daughter doesnt get sell the car so she can sit around at home living off mummy and daddy for free whilst not contributing. If she thinks she can, then mummy and daddy absolutely should start charging rent and board. The money from the car isn't going to last long in that scenario.

Honestly, the ball is in the daughter's court here to get her head out of her arse.

So you really haven't understood this, have you?

This teenager doesn't know the full financial situation with the car.

Do you think that's ok?

I don't think you can expect an adult child to act like an adult, if you are still treating them like a child, and if you are not honest with them.

Yes I do think it's ok.

It's a twenty year old woman who is capable of understanding that cars need insurance and that to actually use a car she needs to pass a test. She also knows damn well who is paying the insurance and who is keeping a roof over her head and feeding her whilst she sleeps in late.

Because she's not 5.

But she doesn't want to whine; she wants to sell the car, doesn't she? The OP makes that quite clear, if you bother to read her posts.

She wouldn't be the first person to decide that learning to drive isn't working for her and was a mistake.

Nor would she be the first person to lose a job, though I absolutely agree there that she ought to step up and make a big effort to get another job, and the OP might want to be charging rent.

I think I have understood perfectly.

She doesn't get to duck the responsibility so she can just lay in bed for a few more months. Not learning to drive will inhibit her ability to get a job and impinge on the OP.

So yeah I do think some 'tough shit' is fully in order here.

But she doesn't plan to insure the car; she plans to sell it.

She doesn't have the full picture here, because her mum hasn't been honest with her.

I get that the OP must have thought she was being kind by not taking her daughter's money, but it ought to ring huge alarm bells that she's treating finances in this way.

Are you really defending a situation where a parent has control over their adult child's savings, and doesn't tell the child the truth about what's happening with those savings? If not, then you really don't have an argument to make her. The DD ought to grow up, but her mum hasn't really put her in a situation where she's got the full picture.

She plans to sell the car whilst making no effort to do fuck all else because she sees the ££££ so she can keep taking the piss.

Sorry but it's a hard tough shit. It's not legally hers to sell if she's not on the deeds. If she was acting like a twenty year old she'd actually know whose name is on the deeds and would have ensured this. The fact she doesn't speaks bloody volumes.

You are making things up now.

It is ridiculous to say that the DD shouldn't expect to believe her parents when they say the car is hers, and then that she's paid 1k for it. The weird thing here is what the OP is doing with her daughter's savings, not the daughter's response. You can't judge the daughter for assuming she's been told the truth about the car and how it was paid for.

I'm not making up anything.

I just think you're talking bollocks and this is a twenty year old woman who needs a kick up the arse and to stop shitting on her parents because she can't be arsed to take responsibility for herself.

She can throw a tantrum if she doesn't like it. It doesn't legally make her the owner of the car.

Why are you "giving her £1000 back" - she hasn't paid anything.

I know plenty of parents take 'payments' for rent and then just hold the money until their child gets their act together and moved out. Informal arrangements with parents like this are entirely discretionary.

The daughter can't possibly have done any of the paperwork regarding the sale of the car if she doesn't know who the registered keeper is. That's not being an adult.

Ultimately the issue here is the daughter not acting like an adult. If she wants to sell then she needs to understand the car was sold in the first place at a reduced rate on the understanding it was an investment in her future - she learnt to drive so she could get work and take responsibility.

She's not grasped this, so it's all tough shit because she's not meeting that side of the unspoken deal. It's plain as day to anyone with half a fucking clue who doesn't want a dead beat daughter.

It's not an 'informal arrangement', is it?

It's the OP not telling her DD the truth.

Her DD thinks she owns the car, because the OP told her she paid 1k for the car.

The OP is then upset that her DD doesn't magically feel grateful for not taking that 1k in the first place.

That's really weird.

The DD needs to act like an adult.

It's got fuck all to whether the OP is 'telling the truth' or not.

If the DD is living under mum and dad's roof whilst not taking responsibility, then mum and dad need to actually have the ability to kick her up the arse.

The alternative is they are forever doormats or end up in a situation where eventually some time down the line, when it's much harder for the daughter to get a job because she has spent the last three years dossing about at her parents expense, they get fed up and give her a date to move out by because daughter hasn't taken the hint.

Honestly I really think you are being utterly ridiculous and are determined to argue the toss that this twenty year old woman is somehow being hard done by her parents when it's her parents ensuring she has bed and board.

The time for saying it's fair / not fair only comes when you actually start taking responsibility and understand how much your parents are subsidising you.

You cannot treat someone like a child, and not tell them the truth, and expect them to 'act like an adult' by ferreting out what you've not told them the truth about.

Erm yes you can.

It's totally up to them to get a job and pay their way. Or to abdicate that responsibility and expect someone to do it for them.

She either understands she's freeloading so doesn't get a say or she goes and moves out and pays her way or she gets kicked out and ends up in a shitty emergency homeless shelter on benefits which she will need to get off her arse to claim.

OP is doing the right thing by not being held hostage by a daughter who can't be bothered.

If daughter was showing signs of making an effort - job applications and learning theory then yes it's be right for the OP to show more patience.

The ENTIRE point is the daughter is being a waste of good oxygen ATM.

What deeds are you talking about?