20 year old thinks we’re mad to think about selling ‘her’ car

[JCB4]

through a loss in the family we ended up with an opportunity to buy another family members car for much cheaper than we could have bought anywhere else, great car, low mileage etc. We paid £3500 and offered it to DD1 (19) as she was keen to take up driving. She had lessons in the passed but didnt stick at it. So she would have some value we said she could contribute £1000 from her savings ( that we have saved). I didn’t actually move the money but she doesn’t know that. Fast forward 4 months and she got sacked from her job ( after 4 weeks ) and hasn’t found another. Lies in bed most days until dinner time and does nothing to help out around the house. We have had to pay insurance, MOT and she hasn’t made any effort to study her theory. Tonight I said the car will have to go if you haven’t got a job by next month as we can’t afford to keep paying for it. She replied yeah I know but atleast il get the money for it! I said no you will get your £1000 back and we will be selling the car for what it’s worth. This was an opportunity for you and you havnt taken it. AIBU here? She’s absolutely fuming saying it’s her car and she should get the money. The car is in my name so it’s technically mine. I’m shocked she would even think that she can just sell it making thousands of profit when she’s made no effort to get a job to pay for it.

Yes I am worried that she’s lying around and not working. She does go out with her bf and her friends though and laughs on the phone to her friends and is happy most of the time. I think she knows she’s fed and warm here and can live with out a job.

I think there’s a misunderstanding of the status of the car. She think she purchased the car for £1000 outright, whist you think she paid a contribution out of the £3500.

She doesn’t know I havnt taken it. And believe me Iv tried with the chores she says yes and then doesn’t do them.

She does go out with her bf and her friends though and laughs on the phone to her friends

Where does she get the money to pay for her going out and her phone?

If you told her she can have it (opposed to have use of it) i understand her thinking and why shes upset

That said i dont think youre wrong when its not in her name (which it should be if its hers) and she isnt being responsible for the tax and insurance.

I'm a bit confused about the savings bit. This is her money that you're (for some reason) controlling?

I actually think she's mostly right - the proceeds should be split proportionally to the investment. Your investment will include any amount you've paid for insurance, MOT, etc.

You're approaching this like a punishment for a child (we'll get rid of your toy if you don't do XYZ) and then being surprised that she's acting like a child. Take laying in bed while you pay for everything off the table - that doesn't need to be an option and it can only be one for her if you choose to make it one. Don't.

Lay out explicitly what you are willing to contribute to her living expenses and the conditions under which you'll do so. At 20 that should be limited to an amount that will still require her to work and be very frugal. She can have a proportional amount of the proceeds of the car but if she hasn't yet found a job then that isn't fun money, it's money that she'll need to use to pay rent and basic living expenses... because that's how life works for an adult. She can choose whether she's paying to live under your roof (within the conditions you laid per the beginning of this paragraph) or using the money to find a flat share.

I don't think her behaviour will improve if you let her keep the car without bearing the full cost of running it. It feels as if this is a golden opportunity for her to learn consequences. She's displaying a lot of entitled behaviour.

Is your daughter paying you for rent/bills/food? I would be charging her for those as well as a cleaning surcharge at £20/hour for the chores she won't do. It might be time for her to move out if she won't be a cooperative housemate - she has to learn sometime.

I was terrible with chores (I'm still not great!), but I did not take advantage of my parents like this. I left home once I was out of fulltime education, but returned short-term when my first graduate job blew up. During that period I was expected to oversee and keep my parents' business going along with a younger sibling who still lived at home. I cooked, cleaned and worked while my parents took the opportunity to travel abroad for 5 weeks for the first time in decades. I also had to cope with the sudden emergency hospitalisation of another vulnerable relative who lived with us while keeping the house and business going. I think it's reasonable to expect your daughter to step up!

What led to her losing her job?

If you sell the car then work out how much it has cost you in insurance, mot, etc and then deduct that and give her that amount as personally it seems to me like you bought her the car so I would say it’s hers but she needs to know she pays her way!

Well she is lucky to get her 1k back, should be less in accordance with overall depreciation. Not a chance i’d be giving her all the money from the sale.

I would say that when I was that age my four closest friends and I all were taking driving lessons. Only two of us actually got our licence within a reasonable time frame, though it took me three attempts at the test.
One friend cashed the instructors car, one gave up after three lessons and said she was too scared to drive and one took about 3 years on and off as she just felt defeated.
They all drive now though, and the ones who gave up eventually passed in late 20s. They just couldnt cope with it at the earlier age for all sorts of reasons.
I think you should keep the car for a bit, good cheap cars are hard to get. Maybe say you will keep it for 3 months, declare sorn, stop paying insurance. Give her 3 more months to find a job and show an interest and if she does neither or only one then sell the car. Give her back her 1000 and put the rest away for her in a locked account for when she does want to learn again, which might not be for a few years.

The car is in my name so it’s technically mine

That’s not how it works!

Yanbu and she should rightly have what you spent on tax and insurance deducted from her £1000 so she's getting off lightly here. Except that having the car in your name when she was going to be the primary driver (which was wrong and might have led to the insurance company declaring your insurance invalid if you'd needed to make a claim) means that as it was actually legally your car not hers those expenses were yours to pay, not hers.

She’s insane and has to learn FAFO,
if you don’t stick to your guns on this one who knows what entitlement she’ll be trying to pull at 20,21,22…

If she gets a job by next month and starts paying for all the expenses then she can ‘keep’ it. The opportunity is in her hands. She clearly has no intention of getting a job.
I think this will be a teachable moment for her.

Did you give her the car? What was said at the time?
If you said to her "we'll buy this car for you, here you go" then I can't see how she's being unreasonable now thinking it was hers.

Wow! Entitled alert. Mama Bear you are going to have to put your foot down here big time.

life lesson needs to happen. Now if you’re not actually getting rid of the car then I would maybe store it somewhere else for a while to get it out of sight and explain that you’ve gotten rid of it.

Explain it isn’t hers as you paid for it and unless she paid for it it is not hers. Also explain to her the additional £1000 you said you took from her savings you didn’t! And it was meant to be a surprise that you paid for it. Make her aware.

tell her moving forward if she wants to be treated like an adult she needs to act like one.

stay strong! 💪

@ CommanderTaggart -
“Obviously unreasonable, but as a young adult who is used to thinking of the things they are given as theirs, and as everything in the house as “ours”, the transition into adulthood and accepting that actually everything your parents buy isn’t also yours, can be a shock”

I totally agree. While I don’t think the OP is being at all unreasonable, I would advise caution, because sometimes they don’t actually hear what you say, or understand what you mean, and I’m afraid OP’s DD will hold it against her if she sells the car. If what the OP really wants to happen is for her DD to get a job or do her theory test, then tell her so - say that if she wants the car, she has to be able to drive it and pay for it, otherwise it’s just costing money, and someone has to pay for it.

It absolutely is.

Could be generous and see it as crossed wires and clear things up that way.

You see it as you mainly bought (with her contribution) and cover majority of running costs of a car for her to use.

She sees it as she bought a car using some of her savings and extra money from you towards it as a gift to her. That you then cover most of the running costs for.

Which are relatively subtle, but important differences.

Clear that up, and she gets a reality check.

Anyone over 16 should either be in full time education or full time work imo. There’s no excuse not to pick one at this point. Have a bit more structure about what is and isn’t acceptable in terms of behaviour for adults in your household. Don’t give handouts, it’s clearly not helping her

The one concession you could make if you want to show some flexibility is giving her a few months (say until February) to find a new job as it may not be simple and quick to find one. But the facts of the matter are exactly as you think. You offered her the opportunity to use the car, not to profit from not using it.

Hmm, I can remember being a somewhat spoilt young person and my dad buying me a small car when I was 21 and at uni. When I later got a job with a company car I kind of expected to sell the car and keep the money, but my dad wanted to give it to my sister. When I offered to sell it to him for mate's rates he said, 'I don't want to pay for it twice!' And I suddenly realised how unreasonable I was being!

The car is sitting depreciating and costing you money at a time when no-one can afford that unless you are minted. She can't drive it and has made no effort to, nor to secure and maintain a job to cover the cost of it.

Sell it. It's a life lesson for her. When she throws a tantrum, as she undoubtedly will you need to have prepared to spell out exactly how entitled she is.