WIBU not to stop at an accident?

[heartlessrubbernecker]

I’m sure IWBU, but this has been niggling at me so I thought I’d post.

On Sunday morning I was driving my DD to a sports club. We came across quite a nasty road accident that had clearly only just happened. I could see 2 cars had been involved, and three other motorists had stopped. One was with the driver of car 1, who was sitting on the side of the road and did look injured. Another motorist was on the phone, presumably to the emergency services, and there was someone else with the driver of car 2 who was still in the car.

There was a car in front of me and two behind. We all had to slow down considerably to pick our way around the debris but none of us stopped. About a minute down the road, a police car came past with sirens and lights heading back towards the accident, and then an ambulance and a fire engine.

I carried on to DDs sports club, trying to answer her questions about “all that blood on that man” and not worry her too much.

Whilst DD does her sport, I sit and have a coffee and a chat with 3 other mums. I told them about the accident, as it was really quite a shocking thing to see.

One of the mum’s immediately got agitated and said she couldn’t believe I didn’t stop and she didn’t think I was “that sort of person”. She said there’s no way she could have driven on, and how heartless I clearly am. She said those “poor drivers have had their lives turned upside down” whilst I “rubbernecked” at their distress and did nothing to help.

I said again that 3 other motorists had stopped to help and clearly the emergency services were on their way. I hadn’t actually seen the accident happen so couldn’t help the police with that. I also have no medical training whatsoever (I’m an accountant!) so there was nothing practical I could do. DD aged 4 was also in the car, so couldn’t leave her on the own whilst I tried to “help” and couldn’t exactly let her tag along either. I made it clear there was obviously nothing I could have done and it wouldn’t have been right for me to stop.

I was really quite surprised by the ferocity of her reaction. I think I could have written that off, but the other 2 mums just sat there silently and occasionally nodded along. Neither said anything to suggest they agreed with me or to calm mum 1 down and I think that’s why it’s niggling. Would you have stopped in thrice circumstances?

I am a bit worried it’s going to be awkward next week, but DD loves the club so I won’t be stopping going. It’s just a shame because I actually did enjoy the coffee and the chat! I might just take a book next week and give the mums a serve!

what do you think?

She is nuts. You did the right thing.

You were right not to stop if other people had.

yanbu, I would have probably stopped but I do have some medical training but other people had already stopped and the emergency services were on their way.

You did the right thing, there was nothing you could do.

You were right not to stop if other people had. You wouldn’t have been of use and it would have further traumatised your child.

What do I think? I think that woman is a silly cow.

Just trying to make you feel bad.

And she sounds a bit thick too.

You were right. You’d just have been in the way.
If there was no one else than that would be different but they had all extra help they needed.

multiple people had already stopped, what more could you have even done? You’d just be blocking up the area even more by stopping unnecessarily.

YANBU, others had already stopped and you had your DD, who you couldn't just leave alone, and potentially distressed at seeing more of it.

If you had seen the accident or could help... then stop.

Otherwise you are just in the way. Especially with children.

Agree with you, there are multiple people on site, professionals on the way, you have no specialist skills to offer that would improve the situation why would you stop? At what point does it stop, does the 4th person stop, the 5th, the 10th?

If you are the first or second person on scene absolutely! If you can offer trained medical care absolutely (or if you are off duty fire or police who has experience of managing a RTA scene) but a random person no you are likely to just get in the way!

There were other people there and you had a 4 year old with you. There was literally nothing you could have done and you risked your child's safety or upsetting them seeing something like that.

Only reason I would stop if I had my children with me was if it was remote and no one else was there

There were people there. They didn't need you getting in the way. You were not a witness so no help really.

If you witness an accident you should stop where it’s safe to do so. If you’re the first to the scene of an accident, you should stop if it’s safe to do so. If you have medical training and the emergency services haven’t arrived yet, you should stop if it’s safe to do so. Otherwise, no, and particularly not if you have a child with you: more vehicles and people just create more of a hazard and more of a distraction for other drivers to navigate. Emergency services are pretty clear about this, which you can advise your friend.

A) do you have specific skills or knowledge that would help on this situation, and
b) does your stopping impede those that do?

otherwise stopping is a sort of physical virtue signalling.

the last time I stopped at an accident to help ( I work for the emergency services ) the helpful bystanders became more of a nuisance to manage then the accident itself

You did the right thing not stopping. WTF did the mum expect you to do with a 4 yo in tow? You couldn't have left her in the car as that would have been dangerous and it could have been really distressing for her to see injured people. Too many extra cars stopping can cause more obstruction and you could see that both drivers had someone with them plus someone on the phone to emergency services.

Thank you!

If I witnessed it happen or was first on the scene, I absolutely would have stopped. I was just so shocked at Mum 1’s reaction and the fact the other two seemed to agree with her, that I questioned myself. I don’t know these mums too well, literally just a coffee and a chat for an hour on a Sunday morning. I’ll just have to see how awkward it is this weekend!

If three others had stopped, no you didn’t need to and you weren’t a witness. Too many people isn’t helpful and what, realistically, could you have done? I saw much worse than this as a 16 year old. There was nothing to be done. The ambulance crew needed space to work and they were near. So don’t worry. Help was coming and blood isn’t necessarily death.

You had a 4 yr old in the car, it wouldn't have been safe to have left them whilst you assisted
I have medical training I've stopped to assist a couple of times when there's been no one else. The situation was under control.
You did the right thing

You were right not to stop. There were already other people there, and you know that the emergency services attended shortly after you drove past. Having a 4 year old in that environment would be impossible, you'd be trying to keep her safe and reassured so you wouldn't have been able to do much of anything at all.

The women who had a go at you is completely wrong, and it's a shame that none of the others disagreed with her. At least you've learnt something about her and them, so you know not to invest too much in the friendship with them. I would definitely take a book and not really engage with them next time.

Unless you had specific expertise to offer, then you were right not to stop. The people involved in the crash already had help and they didn't need an audience.

Some people just like "to be involved" it sounds like that woman is one of those people, you assessed the situation and made imo the right decision, nobody needs to be hanging about an accident if there is no need, and your daughter might have got restless and upset and just add to the chaos.

YANBU. You did the right thing. If you aren’t able to help then you’re just getting in the way of those that can. Just ignore her comments.

You were right. Stopping would have served no useful purpose. The other woman is the nosy, officious rubber-necker.

Injured people were being accompanied and taken care of as much as they could, someone was on the phone to emergency services, emergency services were on the way. There is nothing else to do. You can’t move the debris to make it easier for traffic as the police need to see that.

Even without a 4 year old in the car, stopping at this point is rubbernecking. It’s interjecting yourself into a situation in which you aren’t needed and your presence will add extra things to be managed by the emergency services. It’s extra cars for the traffic to get around, potentially making it even more dangerous depending on the road and the visibility. With a 4 year old in the car, you risk making the situation even more dangerous because you need to keep an eye on them.

I would say if the other woman so clearly needs to be involved at that stage, then it’s about her and her need for drama, not you being heartless.