WIBU not to stop at an accident?

[heartlessrubbernecker]

I’m sure IWBU, but this has been niggling at me so I thought I’d post.

On Sunday morning I was driving my DD to a sports club. We came across quite a nasty road accident that had clearly only just happened. I could see 2 cars had been involved, and three other motorists had stopped. One was with the driver of car 1, who was sitting on the side of the road and did look injured. Another motorist was on the phone, presumably to the emergency services, and there was someone else with the driver of car 2 who was still in the car.

There was a car in front of me and two behind. We all had to slow down considerably to pick our way around the debris but none of us stopped. About a minute down the road, a police car came past with sirens and lights heading back towards the accident, and then an ambulance and a fire engine.

I carried on to DDs sports club, trying to answer her questions about “all that blood on that man” and not worry her too much.

Whilst DD does her sport, I sit and have a coffee and a chat with 3 other mums. I told them about the accident, as it was really quite a shocking thing to see.

One of the mum’s immediately got agitated and said she couldn’t believe I didn’t stop and she didn’t think I was “that sort of person”. She said there’s no way she could have driven on, and how heartless I clearly am. She said those “poor drivers have had their lives turned upside down” whilst I “rubbernecked” at their distress and did nothing to help.

I said again that 3 other motorists had stopped to help and clearly the emergency services were on their way. I hadn’t actually seen the accident happen so couldn’t help the police with that. I also have no medical training whatsoever (I’m an accountant!) so there was nothing practical I could do. DD aged 4 was also in the car, so couldn’t leave her on the own whilst I tried to “help” and couldn’t exactly let her tag along either. I made it clear there was obviously nothing I could have done and it wouldn’t have been right for me to stop.

I was really quite surprised by the ferocity of her reaction. I think I could have written that off, but the other 2 mums just sat there silently and occasionally nodded along. Neither said anything to suggest they agreed with me or to calm mum 1 down and I think that’s why it’s niggling. Would you have stopped in thrice circumstances?

I am a bit worried it’s going to be awkward next week, but DD loves the club so I won’t be stopping going. It’s just a shame because I actually did enjoy the coffee and the chat! I might just take a book next week and give the mums a serve!

what do you think?

I would have stopped because I am a registered nurse and could possibly have helped provide first aid to the injured. However, as three other cars had already stopped, if I wasn't in healthcare, I would have driven on and left it for the professionals to deal with, assuming an ambulance was on the way.

Maybe she has some road traffic accident trauma. You probably just hit a nerve for some reason unbeknown to you, or you didnt explain it properly so you came across in a way you didnt mean to, or the way you told the story was insensitive...
Either way, from what you have said here there was no need for you to stop at the time.

Next week if the woman mentions it be ready with a response. Something along the lines of ‘it would have been narcissistic of me to stop because the situation was clearly in hand and there was nothing a further person could have added. I’m not heartless and I’ve spent time considering the aftermath and it’s affects on those involve. But neither am I self important enough to know I could have changed anything or comforted anyone. Anyone else who stopped at that point would have been selfish and stopped purely for themselves to help themselves move on from the ordeal but I recognise the situation wasn’t about me’

Wtf? Is she nuts or does she have real hostility towards you? Did she understand that people had already stopped? Of course you shouldn't have stopped and caused more chaos/got in the way of emergency services. Tell her to fuck off. I would keep a wide berth from her from now on.

Rubbernecking is completely the wrong word to use here, you were trying to pass carefully in a traumatic situation. Please ignore her if you can, there’s always one like this in a group and it can be upsetting. I do love your username though - you could go for a different approach and have that printed on a t-shirt to wear next time you meet up!

I would not have stopped unless I could have helped in some way. I am not medically trained and there were already plenty of helpers present.

Many years ago - long before mobiles - someone was hurt in a traffic accdent outside my home. It was about 11 pm and I heard the person with them screaming for help. I immediately called the emergency services and then went out with a blanket. It was February and the injured person was lying on the cold wet ground. A couple of other cars stopped but it was a remote area near farmlands with little passing traffic. We covered the person up (in case they were in shock) and the ambulance arrived in about 5 minutes followed by the police. The injured person was taken off in the ambulance and the police who attended asked if anyone had witnessed what happened. After that I came back in.

Next day I noticed police examining the skid marks on the road and measuring them. I had given my details to the police in case they wanted to interview me. However I had not seen the collision. I never heard anything more about the accident or saw it reported in the local paper.

Btw i expect the other mums were shocked by this woman bullying you and that's why they were silent - i really doubt that they agreed with her, that's just how it felt to you because they didn't stand up for you in the moment.

You say you picked your way through the debris? So you drove through the scene of the accident, potentially disturbing evidence? Thoughtless at best.

If we ever saw something not suitable for dc I did say “cover your eyes now!” Or tell them to look away - NOW! Most dc get that it’s important to follow that instruction.

It was clearly in hand, you done the right thing not stopping and adding to any confusion or chaos. As pp said, the agitated friend is the rubbernecker.

Have an answer ready if the subject arises again - but it probably won’t. The strange woman will probably have found something else to be outraged by. There’s no need for you to lose out on a chat. Just now you’ll be aware how to calibrate her reactions to things.

If other people have stopped, and I have a small child in the car, I wouldn’t stop. I’m not leaving her alone in the car while I add nothing to the situation.

If no one had stopped, or just one other person, then yes I would. Because then I’d actually be adding some help.

Ignore the silly cow, she likes the sound of her own voice.
You done the right thing, too many people stopping just get in the way, you know there are better qualified people to help them.
You say you are a accountant, clearly proffesional, you have a logical mind and knew you would be no help. Is this woman jealous of you, feels a bit inferior, so thought she could take the moral high ground to make herself feel better. Take your book enjoy your coffee and give them a wide berth. Honestly the stupid mare should not take time in your head.

If people are already being helped and you have no medical training then IMO you aren’t stopping to help them - you are stopping for yourself.

Agree with PP. Totally different scenario but I recently saw a man who'd fallen on the road walking. Myself and another lady were walking past and tried to help. He was too heavy for us to actually meaningfully help, so we flagged down another passers-by (bloke) who was able to do so. I realised as we were trying to get him upright that actually we may have been causing more harm than good if he'd been seriously injured. And made a mental note to attend a first aid course ! But the point is that well intentioned help can be not helpful so unless ypu are qualified, let the professionals do it. And in this case clearly the help needed had been already called.

I could see 2 cars had been involved, and three other motorists had stopped. One was with the driver of car 1, who was sitting on the side of the road and did look injured. Another motorist was on the phone, presumably to the emergency services, and there was someone else with the driver of car 2 who was still in the car

Overall I agree you did the right thing but did three other motorists stop or where they just the motorists involved in the accident? It's a little unclear.

No-one can say how they'd react and I know that having been in a similar situation recently (it was a pedestrian accident and ambulance was already on the scene) we just continued to walk past as there was quite a crowd already and paramedics were there.

From the Highway Code. She did nothing wrong.

Rule 282
When passing the scene of an incident, remain alert for hazards (such as debris or slow-moving vehicles) and do not slow down unnecessarily (for example, if an incident is on the other side of a dual carriageway). You should focus on the road ahead when passing an incident because a lack of attention may cause a further incident, collision or congestion (see also Rule 283, below).

@333FionaG Genuine question, but would you have stopped in these circumstances if you had a 4yo in the car? This was something I was thinking about later on - had I seen it happen or had been first on the scene, I would have stopped but what would I have done with DD. I wouldn’t have felt very safe leaving her on her own, but equally I wouldn’t want her to witness anything distressing.

Too many cooks

There was definitely some nodding along so it did seem to me they were agreeing with her, rather than being struck dumb by her reaction. I like to think that if I was one of those mums I would have spoken up.

I witnessed an accident recently and stopped (was 3 cars in front of me). The car behind me stopped and we all helped but that was definitely enough people to “manage” the scene until emergency services arrived and anyone else would have only got in the way.

It was just after a bend so we came across it quite quickly. It would have caused another accident if we all slammed on the brakes.

I'm a paramedic and wouldn't have stopped if my dd was in the car at such a young age. It's not uncommon for other vehicles to fail to stop and collide with the ongoing scene, one of my colleague/friends nearly died this way, two others (original patient and good Samaritan had life changing injuries).

The only time i would have stopped with dd in the car is if ambulance (or police) was already on scene and they were non paramedic crew in which case i would check in with them in case they needed additional skills and send one of them to sit with DD somewhere safe whilst i took over.

YANBU

What a plank. You did nothing wrong, I’d not have stopped either. There was already people on the scene to help, what good is it going to do with everyone piling in, getting in the way? And like you say, you had your small child with you too.

I suspect the woman is the kind of person who likes to insert herself into drama. She’s also probably the person who would post on Facebook ‘ ‘I stopped and helped at that accident today… just hoping all are okay’ in the hope to get likes.

in the situation you describe you did the right thing.