Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Advice regarding daughter and new boyf. Is husband being unreasonable?

60 replies

cherieamore · 11/11/2025 09:37

Hi, sorry this is a little long, I am looking for advice regarding my 17-year-old daughter and husband (her father)
Basically daughter was in a relationship with a boy the same age as her from ages 14-16 years. We welcomed this boy into our home and gave them a lot of freedom etc. in the end he hurt her very badly and my husband was devastated to discover afterwards that she had been having sex with this boy since she was 14.
Fast forward to now and she is finally feeling ready to get involved with another boy. She has been involved with the new boy ‘N’ for a few months, taking things slowly. She has been to his house twice now in the past two weeks and met his parents (who were very kind to her). N wants to do everything right and wants to meet her parents before they become official.
Despite the fact that she will be 18 in a few months, as well aa the fact that she has not jumped in with anyone else and has stayed single for over a year, husband is still not comfortable with her getting involved with another boy.
He has finally agreed for N to visit our home this weekend but says he will be advising them both of ‘rules’ such as leaving bedroom door open etc.
i think this will embarrass daughter terribly and be uncomfortable for the boy. Plus i dont think it will stop them having sex if they want to, they could just head to his house where he has more freedom.
How do i talk to my husband without setting him off? I understand he was hurt finding out she had been sexually active so young but I worry that he will push her away. Husband can be quite aggressive in tone and unreasonable if you do not agree with him.
For clarity N is 19.
Daughter does well at school etc. has lots of friends and plays a sport. Currently only sees N once a week.

Am I bring unreasonable to think she should be allowed a little more freedom at almost 18?
any advice welcome on how to talk to my husband too. He can be quite angry if you do not agree with him, and it is very much his way or the highway.

OP posts:
Tessasanderson · 11/11/2025 09:42

I think your DH needs reminding of what happens when people are made to act in secret. Its much better to be honest and adult about things and your DD is an adult and capable of making sensible decisions.

The new BF sounds pretty responsible too. Maybe point out to DH the kind of boy she could have chosen and how much worse things could be.

Sex is a healthy part of a relationship and at 18 your DD is capable of making informed decisions.

ImaginaryAilments · 11/11/2025 09:46

Tell your DH that his daughter is about to become legally an adult, and that his Victorian Father act isn’t going down well with anyone.

patooties · 11/11/2025 09:53

They will already be having sex. It is also none of your husbands business what his legal and almost adult daughter gets up to sexually.
As long as it’s consensual (and by that I dont mean ‘if her says it’s ok’) and the relationship seems healthy I think he should stop being weird or run the risk of losing her.

PolyVagalNerve · 11/11/2025 09:56

I don’t like the sound of your husband
angry man you have to agree with
sounds like a controlling dick head to me
don’t let him dictate your young adult teen sexuality -
it’s not like she has a stream of one night stands trailing through the house

MattCauthon · 11/11/2025 09:59

I understand he was hurt finding out she had been sexually active so young but I worry that he will push her away. Husband can be quite aggressive in tone and unreasonable if you do not agree with him.

He feels "hurt"? Hurt? That is the most inappropriate word to describe what a parent might feel discovering his daughter is having sex at a young age I've ever heard. But I don't think you misspoke. I think this is how he views iet. He's "hurt" because his precious baby daughter who he thinks he OWNS, chose to "give herself" to another male. Ick ick ick.

As for the aggressive tone and being unreasonable ifyou don't agree.... he's not a peach is he? He uses bullying tactics to control what his family do around him.

As always, I bet this is just the tip of the iceberg of controlling, misogynist behaviour he exhibits towards your DD, any other DDs you have, and, most likely, you as well.

LambriniBobInIsleworthISeesYa · 11/11/2025 10:03

What? He was hurt that she was having (I assume) consensual sex at perhaps 2yrs/18months maybe less prior to being 16? “Hurt” is a really weird word.

Screwyousimon · 11/11/2025 10:04

He needs to get over it honestly. What on earth is he thinking will happen, an 18 year old having sex? He is bonkers and is going about pushing her away.

Husband can be quite aggressive in tone and unreasonable if you do not agree with him. He sounds horrible.

Original poster
cherieamore · 11/11/2025 10:07

Thank you so much, I really appreciate the responses. He can be very unreasonable and difficult to talk to and I know he views me as a ‘weaker’ parent as I try to stay open and understanding with her.
I am very close to my daughter and she already regularly states that she ‘hates’ her father because of the way he speaks to her. The irony (or perhaps it isn’t ironic) is that we have an older son (now 20) who has been with his girlfriend since he was 17. Any suggestion of son having sex is very much met with humour and a ‘pat on the back’ type of mentality.
And yes, patooties, they are already having sex (consensually and safely) as daughter has told me this. Obviously I can’t confide in my husband about this, he would fly off the handle and the boy would definitely not be allowed to visit.
She has had plenty of opportunities to be involved with other boys over the past year-and-half of being single and has been on a couple of dates with different boys. However, as she tells me she hasn’t felt ready until now. She says N has been the kindest boy to her and he does sound very respectful.

OP posts:
Bobiverse · 11/11/2025 10:10

Does he think she is worth less if she has sex with men than if she is a virgin?

Was he a virgin when you married him?

You need to have a very frank conversation with him, and don’t mince your words when it comes to laying out the attitude he is showing off right now. I’d be very clear that his misogyny won’t stand, it would literally come down to divorce for me if he placed this much value on a woman having sex. If this changes the way he views her, behaves around her, if it makes him set rules about an adult women’s body when he has no right to that body.

His attitude about women is disgusting. You’re a woman. Stand up to it.

LadyDanburysHat · 11/11/2025 10:14

I think you can only try your hardest to tell him that he will push her away permanently if he continues with the attitude he has. Remind him of the way your son was treated with regards to sex, and tell him that talking of open bedroom doors of an almost adult is ridiculous.

Dollymylove · 11/11/2025 10:14

Shes his little girl, hes bound to be uncomfortable about her growing up.
But growing up she is, almost 18 and has to make her own decisions and mistakes x

Doobedobe · 11/11/2025 10:14

Tbh, I wish my parents were more strict and protective over my dating. It would have saved a lot of lost time and trauma from getting involved with shit head boys. If this boy is genuinly nice and serious, he wont be phased by DH being over protective.

Bobiverse · 11/11/2025 10:20

Dollymylove · 11/11/2025 10:14

Shes his little girl, hes bound to be uncomfortable about her growing up.
But growing up she is, almost 18 and has to make her own decisions and mistakes x

Edited

But not about his little boy? It’s all pats on the back for his lad, isn’t it. But not the virginal girl who loses all value to him once having sex.

He is disgusting. Don’t hide it behind “oh, it’s his little girl.”

vellichoria · 11/11/2025 10:21

@cherieamore How do i talk to my husband without setting him off?

I am wondering what he thinks the point is of leaving your daughter's bedroom door open at this stage? What's done is done. I am sorry if this sounds really harsh but by keeping her bedroom door open he isn't going to make it all go away and make her his little girl who never had sex again, and it's definitely not going to stop her from doing anything now that she is older. Where is a will, there is a way and all that.

I understand that your husband probably wants to preserve her innocence so to speak but it's probably a bit late in the day.

Thatstheheatingon · 11/11/2025 10:23

Are you frightened of your dh OP?

PixieandMe · 11/11/2025 10:23

Your husband is being ridiculous.

MattCauthon · 11/11/2025 10:24

I am very close to my daughter and she already regularly states that she ‘hates’ her father because of the way he speaks to her.

This is really very sad. Why do you stay with a man who makes your dd so unhappy? A man who clearly thinks that girls are not allowed to have any kind of sexuality. I mean, frankly, I agree that 14 is too young. But that ship has sailed and she's nearly 18 - a perfectly normal age to be having sex.

How else is he controlling? I bet that if you take a long hard look at your life, he's been controlling you and your DD for years. You might be close to her now, but you risk losing her as she grows up and does everything she can to get away from this man.

MD2020and10LambertandButlerPlease · 11/11/2025 10:28

He wants to stop his daughter having sex, but is giving his son a pat on the back for his sex life?

I would be telling him in no uncertain terms that its my house too, and your daughter is to be afforded the same privacy and respect as your son.

Misogyny and double standards would fly in my house, and no way would I allow my daughter to be treated differently.

Agapornis · 11/11/2025 10:29

"He can be quite angry if you do not agree with him"
What does he do when he's angry? How do you usually protect your DD from this?

Suspect this is just the latest incident - I'm not surprised your DD hates him.

Mischance · 11/11/2025 10:29

I assume your OH's attitude to all this is based on his own flawed attitude to women which he is projecting onto a perfectly decent young man.

MissDoubleU · 11/11/2025 10:30

He definitely thinks your daughter is worth less without her virginity at best, at worst he feels betrayed by his property being damaged by another male. He might not know that’s the root of his feelings, but that is the reason he is so hurt awhile congratulating his son for the same behaviour.

I would be telling my DH to seek therapy to understand and resolve his misogyny before he is allowed to be making any decisions regarding our shared teenage, near adult, daughter.

SleepingStandingUp · 11/11/2025 10:31

Ignoring the "hurt" comment cos it's a weird emotion in the circs, I do think he has a right to say no sex in his house. She may be nearly 18 but she's still a dependent in his house. Now that comes with consequences - like her being at his house more etc. but I don't think he's unreasonable to set that boundary.
However the "hurt" Def implies a level of ownership he feels over her and that's a bigger issue really. I'd be disappointed if my 14 yo was having sex, I would be hurt they hadnt confided in me for support. It's worth a conversation about how he really feels about it all

godmum56 · 11/11/2025 10:36

My usual question really, what does he bring to the party? and do not tell me he is a great dad.

Abracadabrador · 11/11/2025 10:36

Your daughter has confirmed she hates the angry, aggressive man in the house. Why don't you (alone, with your daughter) meet the boyfriend in a cafe or something?

Has your daughter had therapy? Growing up around a man like this does damage.

Bobiverse · 11/11/2025 10:40

SleepingStandingUp · 11/11/2025 10:31

Ignoring the "hurt" comment cos it's a weird emotion in the circs, I do think he has a right to say no sex in his house. She may be nearly 18 but she's still a dependent in his house. Now that comes with consequences - like her being at his house more etc. but I don't think he's unreasonable to set that boundary.
However the "hurt" Def implies a level of ownership he feels over her and that's a bigger issue really. I'd be disappointed if my 14 yo was having sex, I would be hurt they hadnt confided in me for support. It's worth a conversation about how he really feels about it all

He feels hurt because he sees his daughter as his property, and that feeling comes from him believe he has been wronged because his property has been used without his permission.

He is disgusting. He didn’t have a “no sex in the house” rule for his son. Do you honestly think it’s actually fair enough to then have one for his daughter?