Advice regarding daughter and new boyf. Is husband being unreasonable?

[cherieamore]

Hi, sorry this is a little long, I am looking for advice regarding my 17-year-old daughter and husband (her father)
Basically daughter was in a relationship with a boy the same age as her from ages 14-16 years. We welcomed this boy into our home and gave them a lot of freedom etc. in the end he hurt her very badly and my husband was devastated to discover afterwards that she had been having sex with this boy since she was 14.
Fast forward to now and she is finally feeling ready to get involved with another boy. She has been involved with the new boy ‘N’ for a few months, taking things slowly. She has been to his house twice now in the past two weeks and met his parents (who were very kind to her). N wants to do everything right and wants to meet her parents before they become official.
Despite the fact that she will be 18 in a few months, as well aa the fact that she has not jumped in with anyone else and has stayed single for over a year, husband is still not comfortable with her getting involved with another boy.
He has finally agreed for N to visit our home this weekend but says he will be advising them both of ‘rules’ such as leaving bedroom door open etc.
i think this will embarrass daughter terribly and be uncomfortable for the boy. Plus i dont think it will stop them having sex if they want to, they could just head to his house where he has more freedom.
How do i talk to my husband without setting him off? I understand he was hurt finding out she had been sexually active so young but I worry that he will push her away. Husband can be quite aggressive in tone and unreasonable if you do not agree with him.
For clarity N is 19.
Daughter does well at school etc. has lots of friends and plays a sport. Currently only sees N once a week.

Am I bring unreasonable to think she should be allowed a little more freedom at almost 18?
any advice welcome on how to talk to my husband too. He can be quite angry if you do not agree with him, and it is very much his way or the highway.

Your husband is a misogynistic arsehole. Be prepared for your DD (who sounds like a sensible young woman) to go NC with him as soon as she can.

Hopefully he WILL be phased that her father is a misogynistic abusive arsehole though.

OP, my DD is in a terribly abusive relationship and moved out to be with him aged 18. It's absolute hell for us all. Tell your stupid DH that he is lucky that your DD wants to bring this BF home to meet you and keep them both close.
My DD's bf had no interest in coming to us at all and has all but isolated her from us. Your DH is an arse.

Your husband sounds like a revolting, sexist bully. Ugh.

He's a misogynist, sexist authoritarian parent who has double standards for his kids.

His daughter already dislikes him.

I would bet she leaves home as soon as she can because your husband is bullying her for doing the same thing her brother does.

I would worry she picks an abusive man to get away from her dad.

What would happen if you told him no, she has the same rules as her bro?

Did she tell you she was having sex at 14?

OP i dont mean to pry here but the responses are going to vary massively depending on if you are planning on leaving him alongside this issue.

From the perspective of the daughter of a man who behaved like this.

It ended my relationship with my father, and pushed me closer to the man he didn't want me in a relationship with. He treated me like I was property and that I had been spoiled for my husband. I went as close to NC as I could without cutting my mum off for years. Every time I let him closer again, he would behave the same way. He finally died last year and in my 50s I am spending more time with my mum than I have in nearly 40 years. My brothers still do not understand because they were similarly congratulated for sowing their wild oats etc. My mum threatened to leave him over his treatment of me, and it got twisted that I was breaking up his family. Ultimately, she bottled it and stayed, which I understand. I do not have daughters, but if my husband treated my child the way my father treated me, I would end my marriage.

Over dramatic? Possibly. But I am willing to bet, given your desire to appease him, this is part of a much wider problem. When else is he angry and you find yourself tiptoeing round him?

Yeah, I had a similarly misogynistic father and I also hated him for it. I'm 50 now and I have never loved or respected him and have had as little contact with him as possible since leaving home. This is what you and your husband have to look forward to with your daughter unless you stand up for her. Good luck.

When I was 15, a girl in one of my after school clubs was having sex with her boyfriend. I grew up in quite a conservative environment. Somehow, I mentioned this to my father. I was mortified to have him matter of factly tell me that while 15 was a bit young, he hoped I didn't try to hold out until marriage as that was ridiculous!

DH also made me laugh when DD was a newborn by teling me he wanted her to feel free to explore her sexuality one day but even as a dad of a daughter for just a few months, he'd realised he was going to have to balance his belief in her right to be autonomous with his natural inclination to be protective.

What your almost adult daughter does on the privacy of her relationship is absolutely nothing to do with anyone else. Tell your husband to mind his own business and stop trying to control her by acting this way he won't be raising a fiercely independent and resilient woman....he will raise a mouse.

Hi Connie, I am so sorry about your situation and I hope it improves soon and you get your daughter back. This is definitely my fear. I feel like he is actively pushing her away.

I’m so sorry about your experiences and I know it must have a life long affect. I’m trying to avoid this. I do try to stand up for her regularly which causes endless arguments as he can’t see my point of view.

Yes she did. She came to me and we had a long discussion about it. I asked her to wait until she was older but she had made up her mind so I put her on birth control. I never told her father (at her request). He only became aware of this after the relationship ended and she was distraught.

I wish it was as straightforward. I have considered it but he can be an excellent father. I know that sounds hard to believe. We also have 5 children in total and own a company together

What a weakling your DH is.

Your DD has got over a relationship that she was too young to be in and ended up breaking her heart, but your DH is the one exhibiting a kind of post traumatic can’t trust any other boys around my daughter because of this one toxic boy.

He needs to get over himself. This isn’t about him. I get he is worried she will be hurt again, but that’s life. Helping your child through this first heartbreak is bloody hard but you can’t wrap them in cotton wool.

Your DD is a strong young woman and he needs to be supporting her.

I understand its very difficult. Do you have a plan in place to protect your children from growing up internalising his misogynistic views?

Thank you, it's been going on for a few years and she has a terrible life, she is still very young. Incidentally my DH is the best husband and father to all our DC and our DD has had a very warm and loving home. It breaks my heart that parent's ideal push their children away. We'd do anything to have her back home. We do see her but only fleetingly and she can't really be part of anything we do. Your DH is a foolish and very short-sighted man.

He sounds like a misogynist who practises breathtaking double standards in his treatment of your son and daughter.

Your son can have sex as and when he likes with a girlfriend of a similar age to your daughter, but the same freedoms do not extend to her.

He's a twat, and I'd be telling him so. Was he a virgin who "saved himself" for marriage? Were you? If not (and many of us weren't) then I'd remind him of that fact and tell him to stop behaving like such a total dickhead.

I think that perhaps it might be better for now if you meet DD and her new boyfriend on neutral territory, without Victorian Dad present to wreck the atmosphere. Go for a coffee with them, and/or lunch. You'd all probably enjoy it much more anyway.

I am very close to my daughter and she already regularly states that she ‘hates’ her father because of the way he speaks to her. The irony (or perhaps it isn’t ironic) is that we have an older son (now 20) who has been with his girlfriend since he was 17. Any suggestion of son having sex is very much met with humour and a ‘pat on the back’ type of mentality.

Honestly I'm be tempted to leave him. Misogynistic jerk.

So he's a raging misogynistic with massive double standards then. I'm sure when she's an adult he'll wonder why she's gone no contact with him!

Your husband is being an absolute twat imho, and just needs to let his daughter grow up in her own way. It's none of his business, and neither should you tolerate any anger from him. Not at all.

She's over the age of consent and sex shouldn't be some embarrassing taboo you have to sneak around trying to be able to partake in.

Does he think it's safe to have sex in cars or alleyways? Or that she should spend hundreds on hotels?

It is cringe and clearly almost designed to be so for your daughter. He's literally trying to shame her and punish her for losing her virginity more than four years ago. I mean it's none of his business. Controlling and completely wrong.

You need to get a spine and grow some balls and stand up for your DD and yourself.
You have 5 kids with him?! And you allow him to bully you with his misogynistic nonsense?

You sort this out now, or you leave (I don’t care how complicated it is); otherwise you are letting your children down.

Your DH sounds like a pig!

He will just push her away. Tell her if he treats her like that she will just be having sex in a field or a car instead! He needs to have some trust in her and understand what it’s like to be 17!