Advice regarding daughter and new boyf. Is husband being unreasonable?

[cherieamore]

Hi, sorry this is a little long, I am looking for advice regarding my 17-year-old daughter and husband (her father)
Basically daughter was in a relationship with a boy the same age as her from ages 14-16 years. We welcomed this boy into our home and gave them a lot of freedom etc. in the end he hurt her very badly and my husband was devastated to discover afterwards that she had been having sex with this boy since she was 14.
Fast forward to now and she is finally feeling ready to get involved with another boy. She has been involved with the new boy ‘N’ for a few months, taking things slowly. She has been to his house twice now in the past two weeks and met his parents (who were very kind to her). N wants to do everything right and wants to meet her parents before they become official.
Despite the fact that she will be 18 in a few months, as well aa the fact that she has not jumped in with anyone else and has stayed single for over a year, husband is still not comfortable with her getting involved with another boy.
He has finally agreed for N to visit our home this weekend but says he will be advising them both of ‘rules’ such as leaving bedroom door open etc.
i think this will embarrass daughter terribly and be uncomfortable for the boy. Plus i dont think it will stop them having sex if they want to, they could just head to his house where he has more freedom.
How do i talk to my husband without setting him off? I understand he was hurt finding out she had been sexually active so young but I worry that he will push her away. Husband can be quite aggressive in tone and unreasonable if you do not agree with him.
For clarity N is 19.
Daughter does well at school etc. has lots of friends and plays a sport. Currently only sees N once a week.

Am I bring unreasonable to think she should be allowed a little more freedom at almost 18?
any advice welcome on how to talk to my husband too. He can be quite angry if you do not agree with him, and it is very much his way or the highway.

I was going to say I agreed with the DH, but then I saw he had an opposite rule for his DS.

God he needs to get a grip. She’s going to have a boyfriend if she wants one at nearly 18, whether Daddy likes it or not.

Coming from a daughter who was severely restricted by her parents with her boyfriend when she was 19 (simply because they didn’t like him) I’d encourage him to think about the consequences of his actions. He’s better off sitting down with your girl and having a heart to heart about his worries and his hopes that she’ll keep herself safe ect. That will encourage openness from her and let her know he cares but if struggling with the idea of her being with another boy and will encourage her to keep that in mind x

I would just talk to him. Explain he will probably just end up pushing her away.
Better to have her close so she can come to you both when she needs too.
I agree 14 was far to young. But thats in the past. Being strick now will not change the past.

Dear God. The awful irony of this man wanting to protect his daughter from boys when his behaviour is probably setting her up for some potentially fucked up relationships.

Perhaps he could try acting like the kind of man he'd like her to end up with?

Your husband sounds like a nasty, self involved bully. No matter how much occasional 'excellent father' stuff he does, your kids will still be experiencing the bullying and that is largely what they will remember from their youth.

But in terms of practical advice: rewatch Footloose? The dad there acts like a complete tool as well, but he eventually sees the error of his ways...

Just tell him it’s none of his business if his daughter is having sex with anyone and he’s being a creep. Honestly would you be so supportive of his interest if he was focused on what pants and bras she was wearing? He can of course not allow his daughter to have friends over to the house or be such a pervert she avoids bringing them home but the rest of his discussion, and behaviour surrounding what she does with her body is gross.

He "can be angry" when he's not getting his way? Well, can't we all. But how we express that is a choice. And what about you? Can you be angry? If you haven't been before, maybe it's time to start. Or else stop being cowed by his anger. Anger isn't an argument.

An excellent father doesn't treat his daughter/s differently to his son/s. An excellent father doesn't have temper tantrums when he doesn't get his own way, so that you are all kept in line and doing what he wants.

I do understand that it isn't easy. My mum never worked after she married aged 21 although she was nominally my father's company secretary. So, she similarly felt trapped and that she couldn't leave because where would she go, how would she survive etc.

Please take some time to really think whether this relationship is what you want. If it wasn't for your children with him, would you choose to be with him still?

I seriously want to believe your husband is just been protective of his daughter, which he should be, why? Because he knows how young and older men think, just like you as a woman can predict how women think.
I know bunch of mumsneters will not agree with me.

1. Your daughter having sex that early was not right, even if it was consensual, having sex before thoroughly completing the phase of puberty medically impacts the development of the young girl. And I feel having sex with a guy they are yet to even formally commit to be a things is still wrong on all sides. It is an uncomfortable truth. What's the hope of the relationship with the new cool guy? If there is no purpose, abuse is inevitable, what have they set in their front as goals of been together? If its just vibes, just love, let's see how it goes, I'm sorry painful patterns are likely to repeat themselves, except she's not interested in anything tangible in the long run.
2. It is right for your husband to be disappointed (I'm assuming you guys did your best on sex educating your children), if there was no proper curriculum of sex Ed, then, you guys should suck it up and work on how to bridge the gap, make adjustments, see how to actually befriend them and communicate your views to them from the lens of friendship.
3. If what you described of your husband's temperament is true, you've been married to him for at least 20 years, I strongly believe you know how to get what you want from him, regardless of his coconut head, I strongly believe so the question you asked mumsneters can only be answered by you. You know how to get your husband do what you want.
4. Because you're afraid of upsetting DD and she will end up doing what she wants regardless does not mean you shouldn't guide her. You cannot literally enforce anything on her, but you can and should give soft nudges every now and then, wise counsel from real experiences, that is why you are her mother. There are real emotional and mental baggage that come from these things, scientifically proven. If you cannot advise her from the moral standpoint, do research and guide her with scientific statistics. She shouldn't have to grow and learn from avoidable brokenness when she has a mother, and i think she will resent you in the nearest future if you just keep agreeing to her "decisions" without giving her wise counsel, guidance doesn't end at 18.