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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU-informing inlaws and parents about birth?

68 replies

tess321 · 07/06/2008 13:33

Would it be unreasonable to only tell my parents and inlaws about the birth of their grandchild 24hrs after the birth?

I really don't want so many people decending on us so soon but conversly I am worried about how much offence this would cause.

OP posts:

belgo · 07/06/2008 13:36

difficult. They might be trying to phone you when you are in hospital, and if they cannot contact you, they might get very worried. My parents were just desperate to know that everything was alright with me and the parents.

WOuld they listen if you told them you didn't want any visitors for a couple of days? Or maybe even say that the doctors ans midwives have said no visitors for the first day?

findtheriver · 07/06/2008 13:37

I think it would be good to inform of the birth pretty much straight away!!
But tell them in advance that you would like to have 24 hours with your partner before any visitors. I think that would cause far less offence than if they find out later that you kept them in the dark for 24 hours!

belgo · 07/06/2008 13:37

that should be:
'My parents were just desperate to know that everything was alright with me and the baby!'

wilbur · 07/06/2008 13:39

I would just tell in them in advance that you understand they will want to come asap, but that you would really like a day or so with you and your dp/dh and new baby. If they are reasonable, they will understand. I would avoid any chance of offending them - happy included grandparents are a wonderful thing for children, not to mention for their babysitting services. Also, if you're anything like me, you will want to call and tell the world the second the umbilical cord is cut - there's nothing like the "I've had a baby!" phone calls.

getbackinyouryurtjimjams · 07/06/2008 13:41

Pretty unreasonable imo. Unless you never see them/have had a big falling out.

jamila169 · 07/06/2008 13:43

very unreasonable -tell them you want to keep the numbers of visitors down when you get home, and would be grateful if anyone who came could ring first and help you out around the house - the last thing you need is loads of people sat on your sofa cooing over the baby while you provide refreshments - Best way of getting space and consideration is to keep your pyjamas on when you're at home for the first week (sneaky trips to buy stuff allowed) and when you have notice that someone is coming, set yourself up with pillows and a footstool on the comfiest armchair, so you can keep your seat lol!

solo · 07/06/2008 13:43

It's their grandchild. Need I say more?

Kindersurprise · 07/06/2008 13:44

Unless you have a very strained relationship with your parents/ILs then I would tell them as soon as your baby is born. Otherwise you risk spoiling what should be a wonderful moment by offending your families.

Think how you would feel if your brother/sister/child had a baby and did not inform you.

Libra1975 · 07/06/2008 13:44

Sorry I think you YABU, you need to sit down with them before the birth and explain you want the birth and the first 24 hours afterwards to be just you, the DH and your DC but you will ensure that DH keeps them updated with phone calls to what has happened but to please let him keep these phone calls short so that he can get back to supporting you and the baby. GPs can be such wonderful support and if you have a good relationship with them anyway they will only want what you want.

ib · 07/06/2008 13:46

I don't think it's unreasonable. I did it. Not deliberately, they were all abroad so no risk of visits, I was just busy with my baby for the first 24 hrs!

LadyMuck · 07/06/2008 13:49

Out of interest is this your first? I'm assuming that it must be. Thread very carefully. You can give some very restricted hours for visiting if you want, but you may feel very differently after the birth. Eg my labour was through the night (in fact through 2 nights!) and when I reached the ward at about 7am, dh had to go and get some sleep (as he'd been awake for about 48 hours at that point). I was pumped and could not sleep, so ended up begging for company by about 11am.

Even if you don't want visitors you must call them. You will cause less offense by asking them to wait to visit rather than by taking any option out of their hands because they don't know about. And actualy the gps will also want to make lots of calls about the baby too, esp if it is your first baby or even their first gc.

Original poster

tess321 · 07/06/2008 13:53

Thanks everyone I guess it's unreasonable then lol. No we havent had some major falling out but i'm not very close to either inlaws or parents. Yes LM it's my first baby.

OP posts:

BouncingTurtle · 07/06/2008 13:57

Most hospitals restrict visiting hours for people other than partner.

Original poster

tess321 · 07/06/2008 14:01

Really? I didn't know that, thanks Bouncingturtle.

OP posts:

MrsTittleMouse · 07/06/2008 14:01

My parents and PIL were frantic with worry, as I had a very long labour and delivery, and then DD had some health problems. So they didn't find out that everyone was OK until 17/18 hours after I had gone into hospital (because that was the first time that DH felt comfortable leaving us for a short while to make the phone calls).
I think that it would be cruel to inflict that kind of worry if you were all OK. I don't see a problem in restricting visitors though, in fact I would recommend it! The MLU where I would have delivered my DD said that they would screen visitors if we wanted - would that work for you?

kittywise · 07/06/2008 14:03

It's unreasonable. Just phone, it takes seconds.

colacubes · 07/06/2008 14:11

Ring them, cant see why not, a child is part of a family, and family want to celebrate their arrival. Its strange to me that you wouldnt tell them.

edam · 07/06/2008 14:14

Get dh to ring them to let them know you are all safe and well, weight and gender and whether you've chosen a name. But tell them in advance you just want to snuggle up with the baby and have a bit of rest after childbirth for the first 24 hours.

Turniphead1 · 07/06/2008 14:20

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

Original poster

tess321 · 07/06/2008 14:27

Odd maybe.

I find interacting with them all to be very stressful for various reasons

OP posts:

ally90 · 07/06/2008 14:27

I believe when it comes to childbirth the mother takes priority over everyone but the baby. If you feel more comfortable not having others around you, then that is fine. What I would change is not saying anything for 24 hours. I would tell them in advance that you would like some time as a family and visits when you feel up to it, you don't have to specify a time. Say dh will phone them as soon as he can after the birth and will ring them again when you are ready for visitors.

If they are unreasonable about this, and you feel you are being unreasonable, just think how you will feel when you may be a grandmother. Would you descend on your dil or dd against her wishes no matter how excited you were? Or would you respect the fact she has been through a exhausting time and is getting to grips with being a mother and 24/7 carer of a newborn...and stand back and let her get on with it and make contact when she is okay with that?

Good luck with it all

Original poster

tess321 · 07/06/2008 14:28

...but I will take all of your advice and tell them.

OK so is it unreasonable not to tell them when I go into labour:- do you think it would be ok to wait until the baby is born and then phone straight away?

OP posts:

ally90 · 07/06/2008 14:31

Depends on if you think they will descend as soon as they hear you are in labour...

Original poster

tess321 · 07/06/2008 14:31

Ally, thanks for the response my mother (or stepmother as she is) would not give a thought to respecting my wishes, as far as she is concerned my feelings do not matter.

I have reason to beleive (give SIL's birth experiences) that the inlaws would a) decend immediately b) not leave for a very long time c) create holy hell if asked politely to give a bit of space.

I am relived to hear about hospital visting hours though

OP posts:

Original poster

tess321 · 07/06/2008 14:32

Yes Ally, I think they would

OP posts:

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