AIBU-informing inlaws and parents about birth?

[tess321]

Would it be unreasonable to only tell my parents and inlaws about the birth of their grandchild 24hrs after the birth?

I really don't want so many people decending on us so soon but conversly I am worried about how much offence this would cause.

Perhaps tell straight away but pre warn that no visitors until 24 hours. Tell hospital no visits and/or tell them after visiting hours finish, get dh/dp to be strong and tell them to leave after half an hour.
I would have baby and if during the day wait until very late to call with he good news. You can be strong, I was. I had no in laws for 24hrs with all three of mine, in fact for dc2 and 3 it was not until I came home (3 days later)!!

With DD3 we made it quite clear that apart from our other children, we didn't want any visitors for 24 hours.

When I had DD1 my mum was waiting by the lifts as I came back from theatre - like you Tess321 I don't have a great relationship with my mum and she completely took over what should have been the best time of my life. DH and I didn't have those first few hours alone with DD1 and it still bugs me to this day (9.5 years later!) that she robbed us of that precious time. She is very thick skinned and it was only when I told her to bugger off so DH and I could have some time alone that she went!

So third time round we were very clear on what we wanted and told everyone in advance no visitors for 24 hours.

But not telling them the baby has been born is a bit harsh - can you not text them and let them know, and speak to them the next day?

Sometimes relationships can improve after the birth of a baby and the start of a new family. I don't mean immediately after, but the rlationships may get better for the OP.

I agree with everyone else - don't tell them when you go into labour, tell them immediately the baby is born, tell them beforehand no visitors if that's what you think you will want.

I actually think it's easier to let them visit while you are in hospital because the visiting hours are limited so you can limit how long they can stay without having to offend them? Most hospitals have unrestricted visiting for partners (or very long daytime hours anyway) and then a couple of 2 hour sessions for other visitors. Ours also restricted numbers to 3 at a time. So maybe give each set of grandparents one 2 hour slot so that they each have a chance to see their grandchild. In fact even if the hospital don't restrict numbers tell them that they do (if they see loads of visitors at other beds just say that they don't seem to enforce it all the time but since the first ones to visit had grandchild to themselves not fair not to do same for second visitors). You will have plenty of time with just your partner and new baby.

Then tell them that you don't want overnight visitors once you get home while dh is on paternity leave but that short daytime visits are fine as long as they are agreed in advance. If they turn up unannounced then don't answer the door. Get dh to be gatekeeper and if you are feeling like you don't want to see them to tell them it's not a good time. Or disappear upstairs with the baby to bf (even if you are not! ) and don't come back down - they will prob get bored and go home. Or get your baps out in front of them - whichever will get them to leave quickest / you could stomach best

Basically be devious. I think you should do exactly as you wish in the precious early days. However I agree with others that it's worth not alienating grandparents completly so I do think you should let them visit - they are excited too and can be a lot of help in the future - but just on YOUR terms.

Good luck!

I sometimes feel I have a strained relationship with my ILs, which is entirely down to me - they are lovely, kind people but I find it hard to relax around them and was very worried about feeling suffocated before the birth of my first child.

I discussed this with DH and agreed not to tell anyone that I had gone into labour, which we didn't, but we had agreed before that the rules had to be the same for all visitors (ie my parents too). I knew that the PILs would be straight in the car if they knew I was in labour. The PILs are retired but my parents are still working, so I was also worried that my parents wouldn't be able to be there but the PILs would. We also talked about no visitors in the hospital and agreed to see what I felt like after the birth.

As it went, after DD was born I was happy for anybody to come and visit in the hospital, and felt somewhat protected by the visiting hours. The real issue came when we got home. The PILs turned up on day 2 of being home and stayed for 4 hours after which I was so exhausted I broke down and cried. After that we imposed a 1 hour visit limit and phone first before you turn up.

It's hard, but as the other posters have said, they are the grandparents at the end of the day but you also need to look after yourself.

yabu mabey tell them you want the first 24 hours to yourself if you feel that way

I'm with you tess321, I wouldn't have told the parents I was in labour and I don't think it unreasonable not to tell them. I was worried about people descending on the hospital whilst I was in labour. The early hours and days are very important for the parents to bond and get used to the big change!

In the end we didn't tell the parents that our DD had been born for four days! But DD was a month early and in SCBU, we wanted time to get used to her early arrival. We had no problems with them being offended.

Unless you offend the parents so much that they won't talk to you ever again then do what you want, but bear in mind that it may be more stressful restricting access rather than just setting up a quick visit. I agree with squeaver, can DH ensure your wishes are priority? Agree beforehand the strategy with DH and the way of encouraging the parents to leave after a quick visit.

Good luck with the birth and do it your way!

I am showing the thread that started on 2nd June with people who were upset with parents not wanting to see the baby immediately!
this page
They all thought that parents should be showing an interest from the start and applauded those who turned up and stayed nearby in B&B. At the time I couldn't find the previous thread like this one where parents were so possessive of their new born that they wanted strict control of even close relatives.

Tess321, I completely see where you're coming from on this. Am pregnant with my first and it's first DCG for DH's family, and although my brother has kids, it's first daughter having DC for my parents. Already (at 15 weeks), I am feeling a bit like it's all being taken out of my hands, and that I'm merely a sodding incubator for the next generation. Yes, it's their grandchild, but it's my child.. IYSWIM?

I'm not going to tell them about labour for fear of them descending, but agree with posters above about trying (!) to set the boundaries before it happens. I don't think I want visitors for at least a week (both sets would need to stay, and I absolutely cannot face that...).

AbbeyA, it's not possessive it's understanding that some parents want a special time where they can indulge their new addition without it being passed around like a new toy. When my hormones were crazy the last thing I wanted was to be polite and 'guest' housing for in laws. I really don't get on with mine, they always would stay four nights when coming for lunch!!

If you don't get on with inlaws then it is understandable. I don't call mine guests, they are family and I would feel mean to exclude them. I hope that when I am a MIL I am not viewed as a guest.

You should tell them ASAP but if you want time to yourself, explain that to them. I'm sure they'll understand.

Can you get your partner to tell them?

Thank you everyone for taking the time to respond. To clarify for those who think i'm an utter bitch for even considering not telling; my motivation was to feel safe and secure after the birth of my child. I appreciate all your responses and will follow the advice given to tell them but only after the child is born (not when in labour)

thanks again all

xxx

AbbeyA, I envy you. Although in fairness I don't think I'd feel comfortable with anyone except my parents and sister so close after giving birth. It's such a vunerable time and everything is so up in the air that others would be really difficult.

My Sister didn;t tell anyone in my Dad's side of the family that she was pregnant or had a baby - my dad found out when his grandchild was 2.5. Okay, she was estranged from my DSad but she always had a good relationship with his sisters etc.

He was devastated.

Okay, I know its not the same thing and I'm assuming you want some time and space before the visitors descend, but seriously I'd advise you to tell them immediately, but have prepared them in advance that you want the first 24 hours free.....

If you are worried you might get beseiged, tell the hospital staff that you don't want visitors. Most are only too willing to be strict about it on your behalf, and can be dispassionate in turning people away if necessary. A friend had a similar problem - nice prob to have really, lots of people wanted to visit to congratulate but it was overwhelming and after a few hours she asked the nurses to tell everyone she was resting. She rested for a couple of hours then decided she'd better let people in again...then changed her mind and enjoyed some more peace and quiet and bonding time, occasionally punctuated by stern nursey tones outside "I'm sorry, Mr and Mrs and Bay X are resting and cannot be disturbed"
good luck!

Could you tell them why you don't want to see them? Or maybe give them a list of all the things that you are expecting them to do for you when they do come? I have had kids in different countries from where my parents lived, and when they started talking about coming to "see the baby", I stopped them firmly and said coming to "be helpful", and gave a task list. Last thing you need is a guest to look after.

I found the people dropping in really annoying too. My girlfriends with kids were soooo welcome, but people like dh's boss, for whom I had to look nice and go out to buy posh biscuits (as if there was nothing else I to be getting on with), were a pita. Get dh to deal with getting shot of everyone.

When you have unhelpful parents its a pita having them to stay. Even when mine came down for the weekend a week and half later, while dd1 was having her afternoon nap, they buggered of to Salisbury to have a mooch round and no offers of taking dd2 out to give me a break were forthcoming. When dd1 was born they visited after 4 days (EMCS) and again did SFA. Along with comments like 'ooh she must be hungry as she keeps crying', which really didn't help my confidence to breast feed and 'don't come in toridad, shes feeding the baby' from my mother. Not helpful at all. I say if they won't be of use, ban them!
Much sympathy to the OP.
BTW if I could have had MIL down she would have been welcome for several months!!!LOL