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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU-informing inlaws and parents about birth?

68 replies

tess321 · 07/06/2008 13:33

Would it be unreasonable to only tell my parents and inlaws about the birth of their grandchild 24hrs after the birth?

I really don't want so many people decending on us so soon but conversly I am worried about how much offence this would cause.

OP posts:
BouncingTurtle · 07/06/2008 14:35

I probably wouldn't tell people as soon as you think you have gone into labour, wait until you are fully established(if you really want to tell people then!). Can be a lot of false starts, especially with it being your first - I was sent home from hospital twice with my ds, and because we'd told people, we kept getting inundated with phone calls and texts trying to find out how we were doing!!!

Oh, and congrats btw!!!!

ally90 · 07/06/2008 14:35

Stately Homes Thread may be of use.

BouncingTurtle · 07/06/2008 14:37

Make friends with the lady in the bed next to you. Tell her that if your inlaws turn up, she is to complain to the MWs that all your visitors are disturbing you. They will NOT take no for an answer.
Lady in next bed to me kept having loads of visitors, and the next day they were all banned because the lady across from us complained! I was glad, and wished I had done it!

BouncingTurtle · 07/06/2008 14:38

I meant disturbing her

crokky · 07/06/2008 14:53

they only usually keep you in overnight these days, so perhaps say you are being discharged fairly imminently (even if you are not!) and to visit once you are home.

lisad123 · 07/06/2008 15:12

M friend was very clear, no visitors to hsopital apart from close family and even when she got home only those that were close friends fr first 2 weeks. Her hubby was great at putting people off, and we all respected that. Tell them you want bonding timw with you dh and baby and you will get DH to call once visitors are welcome.

Weegle · 07/06/2008 15:13

Don't tell them when you go in to labour but tell them immediately baby is born. My IL's knew I was going in to be induced and poor DH spent ages having to reply to phone calls on his mobile (hence leaving me). When it got to the point he was ignoring his phone his mother then rang the bloody delivery suite. 5 min off being told I needed an EMCS that seriously hacked me off and still does to this day. I still can't believe she thought her feelings came above ours at that point!

scorpio1 · 07/06/2008 15:15

just do a group text or several phonecalls - something like ' x born at 5pm. mother and baby doing well, speak to you soon about visiting'

i think 24hrs is a bit mean tbh.

sleepycat · 07/06/2008 15:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

francagoestohollywood · 07/06/2008 15:21

It really depends on the relationship you have with them. I rang my parents an hour after going into labour... I knew how excited they were going to be.

mamamamama · 07/06/2008 15:24

I knew my parents would descend as soon as they heard I was in labour so DP rang them as soon as DS was born. They were still there the minute visiting hours started, to their credit though they only stayed for about 15 minutes even though their journey to see us was an hour and a half.

kazbeth · 07/06/2008 15:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

findtheriver · 07/06/2008 15:28

Totally ok to not tell them when you go into labour. You don't know how long labour will last anyway... so there's not much to say at that stage. Just ring them when the baby arrives (having already had a sensible conversation in advance about wanting the first 24 hours visitor free).

MrsTittleMouse · 07/06/2008 15:31

Agree with everyone else - do NOT tell them that you're in labour. I had a veto on people knowing that I had gone into hospital. My Mum and Dad (and one good friend) found out because they didn't see us that day, but they kept quiet, luckily.

MrsTittleMouse · 07/06/2008 15:33

My parents would have been better off not knowing that I was in labour, by the way. My (not at all houseproud) Mum spring cleaned her place from top to bottom because she was so worried about us and needed to do something, anything to distract herself. It's a very long day to wait if you don't have a quick labour.

tori32 · 07/06/2008 16:05

I would be honest about it. I had dd2 11 wks ago and also got 'descended on' with dd1. I banned all relatives from coming for 3 wks although I did soften and let my parents come after 1.5wks. I had a tough time last time and didn't want visitors if it was going to be similar this time. My parents were offended but realised that visiting before would have ended in arguments due to me being emotional and tired iyswim.

BouncingTurtle · 07/06/2008 16:35

You know, you don't have to tell them which hospital you are in

Upwind · 07/06/2008 18:14

Maybe 24 hours is too long a wait to tell them, but if the baby was born before visiting hours your DH could leave it until it would be impractical to visit? Plus, you can explain the circumstances to the midwife and ask them to intervene to stop you from getting stressed.

Best of luck!

Hulababy · 07/06/2008 18:17

I would want to tell them asap. DH went and foun parents not long after the birth - as soon as we'd finished in the op theatre (has emergency cs). They were so excited abotut becoming grandparents, and obviously were desperate to know that me and DD were fine.

And I was so excited I wanted to tell the world!

Upwind · 07/06/2008 18:19

I think a lot of people are posting from the perspective of a good relationship with their parents and inlaws. The OP is not lucky enough to have that, and has good reason to believe that they won't respect her wishes. I don't think she is being unreasonable.

MrsTittleMouse · 07/06/2008 20:22

That's a great idea Upwind - there's a good chance that it would be quite easy to tell only after the visiting hours had come and gone. When DH told, the visiting hours had gone, and we didn't tell family outside of the GPs that I'd had DD until the next day, when it would have been difficult for them to organise coming. My family is very enthusiastic and I just couldn't have coped with them all for that reason (much nicer than yours Tess321).
Could you pay for a private room and tell the MWs to ban all visitors? It might be easier than trying to ban on a general ward. Just trying to think of options here...

AbbeyA · 07/06/2008 20:34

Very, very unfair IMO. It is in exact contrast to another thread where someone thought their parents were being unreasonable because they wouldn't come and see her new baby!!
Perhaps everyone could swap. Those who want to cut everyone out for the first fortnight could have the parents who don't want to know and those who want to share the joy could have the really keen ones!!!

squeaver · 07/06/2008 20:42

Don't tell them when you go into labour.

Get dh to do quick phone call when lo arrives with required info (as above) and a request to stay away for a day or so.

Dh must then be the bad guy and regulate visits including kicking people out when necessary. That is his job. Make sure he knows.

poppy34 · 07/06/2008 20:45

upwind makes a good point -op is not lucky enough to have a good relationship with her ils/parents so I don't think its particularly unreasonable in the circs

AbbeyA · 07/06/2008 20:45

I couldn't wait to show my babies to parents and in laws!