To leave my job and be a SAHM?

[Thoseslippers]

We would struggle financially but having discussed it with my DH he would support it. He already pays most of the bills anyway as he is the higher earner.
I have 3 children primary aged and pre school. The youngest is 19 months.
I'm finding things really really hard.
I love my job but its hard stressful work. I work 12 hour permanent night shifts. I only do two a week but it takes me out for several days. I've been having a variety of health issues that I think are exacerbated by the nightshift work. My sleep is also appalling. I've lost a lot of weight recently, unintentional.
The issue is I took this job because there's not much else I can do that fits in with childcare responsibilities. My husband does the school drop offs every morning but I collect them.
I honestly do not know how other families cope?
I guess they pay for wrap around childcare but this cost would render it pointless me working as I only earn minimum wage. My husband understandably won't contribute to childcare costs as he already pays for most things. My income is used for the kids and for food and any extra stuff we do.
I was a stay at home mum for a few years after I had my first and I found it depressing but at least the house was clean and my son got a lot of attention.. he was taken out to groups etc
I feel very guilty for my youngest as I am too exhausted to give her the same level of attention. And the house honestly looks horrific.. if we got burgled and they trashed the place I probably would not notice. I also struggle with cooking as we share the cooking now and to be frank my husbands cooking is pretty dire. I'm grateful he does it but it doesn't have the same nutritional value that I would ideally like for my kids. It's usually hot dogs, chicken nuggets etc I kind of just pretend it isn't happening because I don't want to criticise him as I don't want to cook either!
But in comparison to when my son was a baby and I used to hand make the baby food.. I used to make sure my middle daughter was getting her 5 a day every day etc..
That's all out the window..
And my own health is deteriorating. My digestion is ruined, I'm in pain and exhausted all the time...
But I genuinely love my job and feel I'm good at it. It gives me self esteem. I'm engaged by it. They are putting me through an NVQ. Everyone there is lovely.
And the money!
When I was a SAHM with my son I had nothing and it was extremely depressing. I couldn't really go anywhere or do anything other than go to toddler groups or the park for a walk.
I know if I leave my job all basic needs would be covered but that would be the end of any holidays or days out that weren't free.
Oh to add we have no family help whatsoever so no childcare options there.
What would you do?

You health is important.
Physical and mental.
Leave the job. See how it goes. You can always go back.
Holidays are nice to have but personally a happy healthy parent is more important for your children.
🙂

Can you take unpaid leave for a bit, without affecting your funding for your qualification? It would give you thinking space, recovery time, time to sort your house and make life more manageable, potentially?

I've already had the 9 months maternity leave and then recently I got signed off for two weeks... I'd feel very bad doing this any more as they are short staffed as it is.

I do wonder how other people cope? I feel a bit pathetic.
I cannot be the only working mum with a toddler, on minimum wage. How do they cope?
I see people's houses are all tidy and the parents have energy, the mums look immaculate....
Then there's me with my house like a bomb site and I can't eat and my hairs falling out!

Your money pays for food, of course you can't quit.

I'm sorry but what on earth do you mean "my husband understandably won't contribute to childcare costs" are they not his??

Regardless, he clearly isn't happy to be the sole earner so you need a different job, different hours or an honest conversation about how you jointly tackle the issues together.

If you are only working 2 nights per week how are things so bad. How much sleep are you getting in between nights?

He would cover the food if I wasn't working as he did before when I wasn't working after the birth of our son.
We had this conversation and he said he would do that but he wouldn't pay half childcare costs as there's no reason for childcare! I think there is because we are struggling to keep on top of things.. but he just thinks I have higher standards than him.
So in a way I understand as whilst doing the job I am wed just be paying for childcare so I'd have more time to clean etc... he said if I want to do that I need to finance it myself as he pays for everything else. However putting the baby in nursery would take up so much of my income alone that I'm really not sure it would be worth working.. and the problem would remain that I'd be too exhausted to clean anyway because my sleep pattern is ridiculous

If you work two night per week and have no paid-for childcare, am I right in concluding that you just don't get any sleep at all for two nights?? Do you do those shifts back to back?

Because they are 12 hour waking nights. They have a big impact physically. I get home at 10am and I sleep for a couple of hours during the babies nap, then I get up to do lunch, then I collect older kids from school. Then I'll have a nap in the evening when DH comes home before going into work again.
But the issue is when I'm not working adjusting my sleeping pattern is Hell. So I'm rarely getting 8 hours of sleep.
I do work some weekend nights so my DH will have the kids all day then so potentially I could sleep through the day.. but my body is just a mess now so I wake up every few hours whatever I do.
And trying to sleep through the night on nights I'm off is just impossible..
So I'm like a zombie 24/7

Yes they are back to back but sometimes i can potentially get more sleep as if it's a Friday or sat night my DH is off work. I only work rotating Thursday, Friday, sat and Sunday nights. So it's only Thursday or Sunday nights where I get barely any sleep the next day.
However it's still taken it's toll.

Minimum wage for night shifts is ridiculous;could you not find alternative evening work?

Yes I mean that would be the ideal solution. It would mean a pay cut though. And it's hard to find in my line of work. It's usually full shifts. I did find one thing that I'm considering

I’m 6 months in to your situation and honestly I regret it so much. I wish I’d stayed as a SAHM. We are better as like you I cooked from scratch. We had less money but I didn’t spend much and to be honest the extra wage I bring in has just been spent on god knows what. I feel terrible that I didn’t get to enjoy the summer before my youngest started school. Like you we have zero familial support and childcare is so expensive. Am sad that I’ll miss Xmas events at school cos of work too.
leave the job, enjoy your family time and time to yourself. And give your husband an extra hug as he sounds supportive (unlike mine).

You need a different job. Working nights is clearly not suited to you. Get a daytime job where you have a more regular and normal routine. You say there's no point because the money would just get sucked into child care but that's not true. There are huge benefits to you working even if every single penny goes on childcare. Your child gets socialised most importantly. But for you - you said you got depressed not working. That's pretty common as you have no sense of independence, no societal contribution, no pension contribution and no intelligent conversation.

Sit down with your husband and make a plan. Help him to understand then start applying. Don't keep procrastinating, you'll spiral downwards. Take control and sort it out. I hope things get better for you.

I would look for a different job. It’s madness to do two 12 hour night shifts just to avoid using childcare. It’s not the amount you’re working that’s the problem, it’s the fact it’s night time, you’re then trying to manage on next to no sleep, no wonder your health is affected. And as an aside, if you’re working night shifts you should be on a higher rate than minimum wage anyway!

you say that when you were a SAHM with your first dc you found it depressing ‘but at least the house was clean.’ That’s really sad, to feel conditioned by society that you ought to be at home even though it wasn’t doing you good. You also say ‘at least I could take my dc to groups’ - but the brilliant thing about nursery is that the child gets all these stimulating experiences … they’re with other children, they’ll do all sorts of activities which complement what you do at home anyway.

honestly I think it’s crazy to continue what you’re doing. I get that you want to make a financial contribution and have another aspect to your life alongside being mum, but there are far better ways to do it than this.

if You’re working day time hours and getting enough sleep you’ll feel more in control of keeping on top of the house anyway.

Have you checked if you can get any help towards childcare costs (funded hours etc)? Agree it should be a shared cost though.

I think you absolutely need a day or two of childcare so you can get a decent block of sleep before or after a night shift; you can't function on an hour or so nap on a regular basis. No wonder you feel run down.

If you can afford it and your Husband fully supports it then what's the issue? I would say though he seems guarded with his money - is all money treated as family money and would you have full access to it?

If you can manage the following financially, in your position I would quit the job; get some rest; start looking for more appropriate work. It's not the same as quitting to become a SAHM. Quit to recover and then find more suitable work. I have quit a few jobs over the years and never with anything to go to because I am usually maxed out at the time I decide it's time to quit. There is something on the other side. Good luck OP.

Could you not move to dayshift and do more days? I don’t know what the job is, but I’m thinking maybe NHS or similar. I have a friend who is an HCA and because she’s got to know the senior nurses in her hospital she now does hours to suit when the kids are at school and just puts them in wrap around one or two days a week. I appreciate that eats into the money you earn but in her case that’s allowing her to proceed along the route to become a nurse which will obviously be more lucrative.

And by the way, you are not lame! The thought of doing two night shifts back to back and looking after a toddler in between makes me shudder! I would hate that

I couldn't stick night shifts and it really sounds like you need a break and your husband is supportive, so yep, stop.

Take a few months and then look for something PT - it doesn't sound like you love being full time at home either, so look for a career change.

I did what you are currently doing as a staff nurse when my now adult DC were small. I did two nights a week and just skipped the night sleep for two years. It wrecked me. I was in an awful place mentally and could not see the wood for the trees. I would not wish it on my own worst enemy and would never, ever do it again. My health has taken years to recover.

Whatever option means you stop this work pattern, take that. If you need work to pay for food, you find a different job. If you need to go off sick, then do that. Honestly, I thought it was the best option for my family. It wasn't, it was madness.

I would quit work for now, get all the free nursery hours you're entitled to (system has changed so I've no idea what you get) and get your health sorted. It doesn't have to be forever but it sounds like you're heading for burnout with a husband who doesn't value your well-being.

YI need an alternative job as neither sounds good for you. Financially struggling with multiple kids will not be fun for any of you.

As usual, the issue here is your husband. I wouldn’t put myself in a situation where you have no income - you are already vulnerable and married to a man who doesn’t seem to give a shit.