To leave my job and be a SAHM?

[Thoseslippers]

We would struggle financially but having discussed it with my DH he would support it. He already pays most of the bills anyway as he is the higher earner.
I have 3 children primary aged and pre school. The youngest is 19 months.
I'm finding things really really hard.
I love my job but its hard stressful work. I work 12 hour permanent night shifts. I only do two a week but it takes me out for several days. I've been having a variety of health issues that I think are exacerbated by the nightshift work. My sleep is also appalling. I've lost a lot of weight recently, unintentional.
The issue is I took this job because there's not much else I can do that fits in with childcare responsibilities. My husband does the school drop offs every morning but I collect them.
I honestly do not know how other families cope?
I guess they pay for wrap around childcare but this cost would render it pointless me working as I only earn minimum wage. My husband understandably won't contribute to childcare costs as he already pays for most things. My income is used for the kids and for food and any extra stuff we do.
I was a stay at home mum for a few years after I had my first and I found it depressing but at least the house was clean and my son got a lot of attention.. he was taken out to groups etc
I feel very guilty for my youngest as I am too exhausted to give her the same level of attention. And the house honestly looks horrific.. if we got burgled and they trashed the place I probably would not notice. I also struggle with cooking as we share the cooking now and to be frank my husbands cooking is pretty dire. I'm grateful he does it but it doesn't have the same nutritional value that I would ideally like for my kids. It's usually hot dogs, chicken nuggets etc I kind of just pretend it isn't happening because I don't want to criticise him as I don't want to cook either!
But in comparison to when my son was a baby and I used to hand make the baby food.. I used to make sure my middle daughter was getting her 5 a day every day etc..
That's all out the window..
And my own health is deteriorating. My digestion is ruined, I'm in pain and exhausted all the time...
But I genuinely love my job and feel I'm good at it. It gives me self esteem. I'm engaged by it. They are putting me through an NVQ. Everyone there is lovely.
And the money!
When I was a SAHM with my son I had nothing and it was extremely depressing. I couldn't really go anywhere or do anything other than go to toddler groups or the park for a walk.
I know if I leave my job all basic needs would be covered but that would be the end of any holidays or days out that weren't free.
Oh to add we have no family help whatsoever so no childcare options there.
What would you do?

I think you need a different job, its the hours you are doing that are the killer.

I wouldn’t stop earning your own money as it looks like your husband doesn’t think finances are shared. It’s not ‘his’ money where he gets to decide which bits he’s willing to pay for. It’s family money and the current set up of no childcare in place is impacting you (and then, in turn, impacting the whole family). You also need to think about your savings and pension. You don’t want to be a SAHP without some of the family money going into your pension and savings.

I think that your health is the most important thing of all. You really need to look after yourself mentally and physically first and everything else needs to fit into place.

I think the better solution would be to find a job where you can work in the daytime. Is it caring work that you do?

Are you using your free nursery hours for your 19 month old?

Won’t you get the 30 hours funded childcare that came into effect in September?
There are jobs out there that can fit around children. I’m a single mum of 3 and 8 months pregnant and still working.

Could you look into joing the NHS as a HCA? Outpatient roles are more child friendly. You also get higher pay for nights/weekends. You could also join the bank (agency) and do twilight 8 hour shifts theres even shifts that are 10am till 2pm at the minute.

Is your youngest not in nursery so you can sleep? What about dropping to 1 night a week until you find another job OP. Nights is no good I've done it and it's not easy at all. Looking back I don't know how I did it. Hang on in there OP.

The problem is the 10 hour night shifts, not anything else. Work normal length days, with an early start if possible - your health will be be a hundred times better, you’ll have energy to spend with the children and be able to keep on top of things house-wise. Yeah a lot of your salary will go in childcare, but you’ll have something left over, and your youngest should qualify for some free hours. I’ll bet the cost isn’t as much as you think.

I am surprised no one has asked did you not think things through before deciding to have three kids?

Yes leave if it’s affecting your health. I gave up work to be a sahm as knew in advance it would be detrimental to my mental and physical health to do both. Sometimes you have to know and work within your limits to have a quality of life

No one knows how working a night shift can affect you mentally and physically before you actually do it.
Don't be so horrible.

I panoply wouldn’t put my self in a position of having no income. It makes you very vulnerable.

id change jobs. I worked in hospitality when our children were younger I did 2 evenings 5-midnight and one day shift at the weekend 10-5 , if needed, worked well for us.

meant I still got a proper sleep but 8 was earning my own money.

Why not get a sick note for a bit?

The kids are here now. Is it the only advice you can suggest? How helpful.

Well she can't shove them back up now.

Huh?

Being a SAHM equals “no societal contribution” and “no intelligent conversation”?!

How incredibly offensive.

What about a more casual job? A couple of evenings of bar work Friday and Saturday and in your own bed by midnight?

Are you working in care? I've worked in that sector on a casual contract and most weeks I got as many hours as I needed that fit in with childcare commitments. I also worked in a supported living home doing sleep ins at the weekend.
If you are in care, I'd suggest giving up the job and getting yourself on the books with a couple of companies as a casual. It sounds like work is important to your wellbeing but nights are understandabley too much so try to find a balance.

I agree.
That's an appalling thing to say.

Yikes, a 12 hour night shift and then looking after the kids the day after? And then the same again the next night? I think that would have most people on their knees.

What work do you do? And when will your youngest qualify for free hours?

It's really hard to know what to do but it's crystal clear to me that the night shifts cannot continue. It's making you ill. I can sympathise (my work was nothing like as bad but I did periods of on call nights and I had to get out of it). Nothing is as important as your mental and physical health.

So have that as the starting point and work around it.

There is no easy option but I honestly think any option is better than nights. You have three small children and you are in the thick of it. I absolutely promise that life will get easier.

I think I would quit and then look at every option out there when you are rested and better able to actually think and dedicate time and energy to what you could do. I think that it's worth working, even if it's cost neutral for some years as it gives some balance, adult interaction and doesn't leave you responsible for everything in the home (not that you should be as a SAHP but it does seem to go that way). There is something out there for you.

Can you ask for bank work and just cover the odd night when needed?

Don’t do it.

What would happen in the future if your husband became ill, lost their job, had a breakdown, had an affair or just started behaving like a dick? If you can confidently answer these questions and you and your kids wouldn’t suffer, consider it, if not stick at the job but try to make it work a bit better.

Consider reducing your hours, pay for a cleaner occasionally etc. Work out a better plan for cooking and cleaning which reduces time. Even get a childminder now and again to give yourself chance to catch up with home stuff. But don’t give the job up. You’re in the trenches but it should start getting easier soon.

Also have you seen how much money it costs to get kids through uni?

Op it sounds really tough. I also think your husband is forgetting that if it wasn’t for you he wouldn’t be able to do his job. It’s all good and well saying you don’t need childcare but you’re exhausted and on your knees because you are having to do it all!! How would he cope if the tables were turned?

Do you qualify for funded childcare? It’s from 9 months now and could help now or maybe when youngest is 2 with a pre-school. Lots of pre schools by me start from 2 now.

Surely if you do nights you need childcare for the next day to sleep?

As you are asking. We thought long and hard about the number of kids we wanted vs the reality of it, and what our lives would be like. We stopped at 2. I have a friend with 4, both her and her dh are run rugged and have no quality of life just revolves around the kids and she wonders how anyone else does it.
in your case, I would be a sahm for a few years just to get back on track and then go to work. 3 kids is a lot for one person to bear the financial burden.