To leave my job and be a SAHM?

[Thoseslippers]

We would struggle financially but having discussed it with my DH he would support it. He already pays most of the bills anyway as he is the higher earner.
I have 3 children primary aged and pre school. The youngest is 19 months.
I'm finding things really really hard.
I love my job but its hard stressful work. I work 12 hour permanent night shifts. I only do two a week but it takes me out for several days. I've been having a variety of health issues that I think are exacerbated by the nightshift work. My sleep is also appalling. I've lost a lot of weight recently, unintentional.
The issue is I took this job because there's not much else I can do that fits in with childcare responsibilities. My husband does the school drop offs every morning but I collect them.
I honestly do not know how other families cope?
I guess they pay for wrap around childcare but this cost would render it pointless me working as I only earn minimum wage. My husband understandably won't contribute to childcare costs as he already pays for most things. My income is used for the kids and for food and any extra stuff we do.
I was a stay at home mum for a few years after I had my first and I found it depressing but at least the house was clean and my son got a lot of attention.. he was taken out to groups etc
I feel very guilty for my youngest as I am too exhausted to give her the same level of attention. And the house honestly looks horrific.. if we got burgled and they trashed the place I probably would not notice. I also struggle with cooking as we share the cooking now and to be frank my husbands cooking is pretty dire. I'm grateful he does it but it doesn't have the same nutritional value that I would ideally like for my kids. It's usually hot dogs, chicken nuggets etc I kind of just pretend it isn't happening because I don't want to criticise him as I don't want to cook either!
But in comparison to when my son was a baby and I used to hand make the baby food.. I used to make sure my middle daughter was getting her 5 a day every day etc..
That's all out the window..
And my own health is deteriorating. My digestion is ruined, I'm in pain and exhausted all the time...
But I genuinely love my job and feel I'm good at it. It gives me self esteem. I'm engaged by it. They are putting me through an NVQ. Everyone there is lovely.
And the money!
When I was a SAHM with my son I had nothing and it was extremely depressing. I couldn't really go anywhere or do anything other than go to toddler groups or the park for a walk.
I know if I leave my job all basic needs would be covered but that would be the end of any holidays or days out that weren't free.
Oh to add we have no family help whatsoever so no childcare options there.
What would you do?

My eldest is very helpful i don't know what I'd do without him. My middle is a sweetheart but she has just been diagnosed with ADHD and although she tries to help it's not really any help in reality as she needs constant supervision to complete tasks.

And as for not thinking it through before having 3 kids.. my 3rd was a contraception failure. I did understand it would be hard to keep her. And it IS hard.
My husband has had a vasectomy now.

"My husband understandably won't contribute to childcare costs as he already pays for most things."

Are they not his children too?
Childcare is a family expense!

If your DD has ADHD it came from somewhere. Do you think you could have ADHD too (state of the house?).

Regardless, I do not have ADHD and night shift would probably be the end of me. I think I'd quit and look for another job with more civil hours. It sounds like you can carry the 'between jobs' period financially for a bit.

1. You are being financially abused.
2. You need to find different work. Night shifts are a killer.

Have you looked into what free childcare hours you would be entitled to?

Ultimately night work does not suit you so you need to find a new role. Could you in the meantime reduce to 1 shift per week? This would hopefully help keep some money for yourself, you have current work experience which is helpful when looking for a new job, but also help with your health issues and sleep.

If you do decide to become a SAHM it should be on the condition that your DH pays contributions into a private pension for you - this is what my DH did for me when I was a SAHM.

But absolutely look into your childcare options if you haven’t done so already.

In your position I would ABSOLUTELY NOT become a SAHM. You are putting yourself in a very vulnerable position. He is already financially abusing you - that is not going to improve when you have no job and even less agency.

He might say you can have full access to the joint account now to get you to stop work, but as he hasn't let you have it in the past, he will very likely prevent your access once you've left work.

Get him to agree childcare comes from the joint account. Get access to the joint account - you currently have no idea how much money you have as a family, which is insane. Try to find a new job that doesn't involve night shifts. Sign up for wraparound care if necessary. Good luck.

If you’re in the uk you can qualify for funded childcare if you do 16 hours a week at minimum wage. This is 9-3 4 days a week covered and a half day. When your youngest is two you can put them in a preschool where it’s cheaper than the nurseries who overcharge for everything. Use this time to sleep, tidy and find a better job that fits in around school hours.

I'm a SAHM so I'm not against it in general but these do not sound like ideal circumstances. To be honest it sounds like you need a different job rather than to just quit entirely as it would affect your lifestyle so much and you didn't enjoy it last time. If you're on minimum wage surely you could find something with more sociable hours for the same pay?