To think that when a man cooks for you, he expects something in return?

[ThatZestyLemonPoster]

I’ve noticed a pattern - whenever a man goes out of his way to cook for me, especially early on, it rarely feels like a simple act of kindness. There’s often an unspoken expectation - gratitude, praise or something more physical.

Maybe I’m jaded but it’s hard to believe it’s ever just about the meal. AIBU to think that when a man cooks for you, there’s usually an ulterior motive and it’s not just to show off his seasoning skills?

I’d say you’re dating too many men to notice a pattern. Be more discerning.

I’m not that unexciting! I just think genuine chemistry doesn’t need to feel like a performance or prelude - if it’s there, it’s there.

Oh yes, it’s definitely ops fault that she’s dated sex pests? FFS.
My DH cooks far more often than I do, most nights in fact. Before him, I dated a fair few who believed that if they chucked some shit in a pan, a woman’s knickers would automatically drop off. I wasn’t “projecting” anything, they were just entitled twats.

I would actually be quite entertained to see a porn movie where the man cooks dinner before the action starts 😆

The only thing my DH expects if he cooks is for me to load the dishwasher and its the same vice versa!

I think women can do it too. It’s not really about gender so much as intent. Sometimes people use gestures (cooking, gifts, favours) to create intimacy instead of letting it build naturally. It just feels different when something’s done to connect vs to get a result.

no one said it was op’s fault? The subconscious mind looks for evidence to support what it believes to be true, so perhaps op is viewing this through a distorted lens as it were. Perhaps adult males around her growing up used food as a bargaining chip who knows?

Most people cook at least once a day for themselves and/or their families. It’s an utterly ordinary thing to do, rather than any kind of ‘gesture’.

Yes, he expects me to wash the pots.

Well, in the early days of dating "Come over to mine for dinner" is code for "Come over and have sex", isn't it? I may have issued that invitation myself a few times.

What I can't stand is when a man makes a colossal fuss about how much of a great cook he is, and how he's going to make me his signature dish, and then serves up something extremely mediocre and expects me to make a massive fuss over his genius. Honestly? I'd prefer just to have sex 😆

I’m aware. I was replying to the question about whether women do it in early dating, not talking about day to day cooking. Bit of context always helps before jumping in!

Telling op it must be the “type of man SHE is attracting” or a “sub conscious belief SHE is projecting” is very much you blaming her. And it’s utter bollocks. You have a distorted lens “as it were”. There are many men who think if they knock up steak and chips, sex will be forth coming, but frankly, who gives a fuck how they grew up? Women are not rehab centres for emotionally incontinent men.

When a “new man” cooks for you he definitely expects something

Perhaps this is it OP. If there was chemistry dinner might be part of the seduction. Why go to dinner with someone and call it a date if there's no chemistry?

I dunno about cooking. I think I would be expecting something myself if things had reached the level where they were cooking something for me.

Chemistry is great and when it’s there, it’s natural. I just don’t think it needs to be engineered or come with an agenda. A genuine connection makes everything fall into place anyway.

I’m not responsible for your inference

My husband cooked for me on our second date because I was poorly and told him I was going to have to cancel. He dropped off homemade chicken noodle soup and then left.

Knew he was a keeper from that moment! So I suppose if he was playing some sort of soup based long con he succeeded!

No. Not my experience at all. Ever.

When dating I found that an expensive dinner out the man paid for came with expectations more often than the cooking men.

So why are you going on a dinner date with someone with whom there's no chemistry or genuine connection? The easy answer is not to bother going.

if he enjoys cooking, no. Whenever a guy has cooked for me it’s either because he enjoys cooking and it’s their thing or he has cooked and is sharing.

I don’t discredit your theory though if you feel that way. I can imagine there probably are guys that imagine cooking for a woman is romantic and so they do it to get something in return. But if a guy is like that, he wouldn’t just expect something in return if he cooks for you, he would expect something in return whenever he does something “nice”.

My dh cooked for me early on when we was dating he just loves cooking and wanted to impress me with his cooking and baking. He does most of the cooking now.

I did however go on dates with men who felt because they had insisted on paying for dinner were entitled to more or a invite to my home. Lots of lingering on not going to their car saying they had a long drive home but felt tired could do with a coffee somewhere but everywhere is shut. Many dissapointed men when I skipped home alone.

I think maybe change up who you are dating op. It's hard they hide it well and you can't always tell early on.

Yes, I have a longtime male friend who was a colleague in a previous job and an excellent cook, and he often brought in things from home for me to taste.

I actually had similar experience with my DH in our early dating time. So probably the long food con do exists 😀.

@ThatZestyLemonPoster
I think in the early days to be invited to their place for dinner does have an expectation of sex afterwards for most men. It’s about being in a house set up plus expecting a reward for the effort. And it does work like a test only the other way around because in reality only those who don’t expect “a reward” are genuine keepers.