To think that when a man cooks for you, he expects something in return?

[ThatZestyLemonPoster]

I’ve noticed a pattern - whenever a man goes out of his way to cook for me, especially early on, it rarely feels like a simple act of kindness. There’s often an unspoken expectation - gratitude, praise or something more physical.

Maybe I’m jaded but it’s hard to believe it’s ever just about the meal. AIBU to think that when a man cooks for you, there’s usually an ulterior motive and it’s not just to show off his seasoning skills?

I've known of numerous lovely, generous, genuine, kind hearted men, whom love to cook-Most surely, in my humble, unique experience, the men whom go to the trouble & endearing effort, of cooking & baking, aren't just after one thing - Of course there's exceptions to every rule, but just because a few men might've treated us poorly, we shouldn't tar them all with the same brush, nor be tunnel visioned, looking for negatives- They're all unique just's us women are-💚

You need to find a better man - cooking dinner doesn’t equal sex

The expectations will be different in different circumstances so “man cooking” is too vague and general.
Can you explain in more details what you mean OP?

Maybe! I’ve just noticed the same pattern a few times now, so it stuck with me.

DH cooks for me every single day, he does usually want something though … the meal that he’s cooking because he’s way more of a foodie than I am. He likes it when I say thanks and do the dishes afterwards, but he doesn’t complain if I don’t so I don’t think he’s cooking just to get my gratitude and for me to clean. But I could be wrong.

I wonder if the pattern is you coming to his house rather than him cooking.

DH cooks for the family every day. He also thinks about what he needs for the meals and does the weekly shop. He's a normal bloke.

I probably phrased it too generally. I’m talking more about early dating situations, where the man invites you over and makes a big thing of cooking. I’ve just noticed that sometimes it feels less about sharing a meal and more about setting up a situation with an unspoken expectation attached, like you “owe” them something for the effort. Not always of course but enough times to notice a pattern.

Maybe they are seducing you rather than being transactional about it

When you say early dating if it is a few dates in, might be a normal time for things to happen regardless if he is cooking or not.

His cooking is maybe making an effort, and to have romance?

If you feel it's not right for you, just say. What do you prefer instead, as a run up to intimacy?

Edited typos

It's been a very long time now since I was in the early stages of dating with a man but when I was and he asked me round for dinner I was kind of hoping myself that it wouldn't just be pie and mash and then a nice cup of tea in front of Emmerdale.

A man likes you enough to cook you dinner, you've been on a few dates, you go to his for food and wine. What do you want to happen next OP? Scrabble and polite conversation? To wash up, shake hands and get on the bus home?

When I've cooked I quite like to sit and eat in peace. I wouldn't necessarily say I expect it, though. It's more of an aspirational goal.

I’m not talking about timing or intimacy itself, more the intent behind it. I don’t mind romance at all, it’s lovely when it feels genuine. It’s just when the gesture feels transactional, like the cooking is a setup rather than a shared moment, that it puts me off.

Nothing wrong with Scrabble and polite conversation if the vibe’s right
I just prefer when a nice dinner doesn’t come with strings attached, implied or otherwise.

How silly. I don’t know any men like this.

My husband cooks for me every single night. It’s just what he loves to do.

My husband cooks for me about six or seven days a week. Whatever he's expecting seems to be someone to stack the dishwasher..at least that's all he gets.

But is this because you are dating shit men or because you have issues around men cooking for you making you read this transaction element into it? Did your father cook? My DH cooked for me at an early date because he enjoys cooking and wanted to cook for me. Now he does all the cooking for the family.

Are you sure it’s the cooking? It might also be that this is the third / fourth date, you’ve come over to his house and he’a trying to look sexy?

My dad actually did most of the cooking when I was growing up and still does, so it’s definitely not about having issues with men cooking. I think it’s more that I’ve just seen situations where the gesture wasn’t as genuine as it first seemed. Not all men obviously but enough to notice a pattern.

You're dating the wrong men!

Really, is Scrabble and polite conversation is what most people are after in the early days of dating?

I'm old, so please someone help me out here, but maybe your expectations of dating are out of kilter with the men you are seeing.

They think they're going to charm and romance you into bed with food, drink and witty conversation and you just want to talk about the retail price index and get a triple word score using a J.

Maybe a bit of both! Nothing wrong with someone wanting to look sexy, I just prefer when that kind of energy feels mutual, not preloaded with expectation.

DP cooks for me all the time - he always has, as soon as we started seeing each other he would always cook…….

Do you think women do the same when they’re first dating?

Every relationship I've been in they have been keen to show off their cooking skills early on, but it never felt transactional. Perhaps slightly performative, but I always assumed they were just into me and wanted to prove their worth! Right now DH is overseeing supermarket pizzas 😂