To hate when men act scared of their wives?

[WittyTaupeCrow]

I don’t mean respectful or considerate, those are great. I’m talking about men who tiptoe around their partners like they’re terrified of doing or saying the “wrong” thing. It doesn’t come across as healthy love, it feels like a weird dynamic where they’ve given up their autonomy and personality just to “keep the peace.”

AIBU to find that kind of dynamic frustrating (and a bit unattractive)? Or is it just another version of compromise?

I’d be more concerned about wives who appear terrified of their husbands.

I don't recognise this. Do you have someone in mind?

Honestly, life is better if you just stop worrying about other people, and worry about your own life.

If people want to act like this, it’s up to them. I can’t see what it’s got to do with anyone else (unless people are secretly jealous that no one does everything they say)

Not one person, more the dynamic itself. I think there’s a fine line between respect and walking on eggshells, and some couples definitely cross it.

I don’t get what you mean by ‘a fine line between respect and walking on eggshells’.

And I actually completely disagree. I don’t think there’s a fine line between the two at all - I think they’re completely separate from each other.

To me, respect is about being considerate to people and placing their needs/wants/wishes equal to yours, whereas walking on eggshells suggests staying out of their way out of fear. Respect (out of love, rather than fear) is a very healthy relationship dynamic to me, whereas walking on eggshells sounds pretty unhealthy and not something to aspire to.

What do you mean when you clarify your post title with ‘I don’t mean respectful or considerate, those are great.’? I think being scared of your wife is entirely different to being respectful or considerate to her.

So just to be clear, you find it "unattractive" when a man is terrified of his partner because she's put him in a position where he feels he's always walking on eggshells out of fear of doing or saying the wrong thing? And your biggest concern here is how unattractive that makes the man?

As in a Basil and Sybil Fawlty vibe?

How many men do you actually know who do this? Seems an odd thing to base someone's attractiveness on.

That’s my point! I just wanted to make it clear I’m not talking about men who are decent and respectful, but ones who act like they’re scared to breathe wrong around their partner.

There are many women who tread on eggshells around their partners.

There are also some men doing the same.

Do you mean men who are actually afraid of their wife, or men who are just pretending to be afraid (acting)?

Do you mean when men are acting scared of their wives but aren't? Eg he doesn't want to go out with his friends so he says he has to check with his wife and says she won't let him? That kind of thing? Otherwise I don't get the unattractive part.

I’m not saying fear itself is unattractive in a moral sense. I mean the dynamic is - the imbalance, the lack of ease or authenticity between them. It’s sad more than anything but it doesn’t look like a healthy relationship from the outside. I was just reflecting on how often “keeping the peace” ends up looking more like suppression than respect.

So not acting?

They're victims of domestic abuse OP

Why are you worried about the attractiveness of married men?

That's my father. My mother is a raging narcissist, completely controls him, and must have everything on her terms at all times. Thinking up new demands is a sport for her, and so is making everyone's life hell when she doesn't get her way. My father has spent his entire marriage with one mission in mind, and that is to keep his wife happy, but what he has failed to realize (like everyone else, who finally cut ties) is that his wife will never be happy. She will only have a new demand. Every since I was little, his eyes were always darting with fear if she gave the slightest hint of going "dark" and the relief when he managed to turn her mood around was like a little boy at Christmas--elation.

I consider my father to be a weak coward who was so afraid of his wife that he stood by and let her abuse his children, denying their cries for help by pretending he didn't know what was going on, even when he had the financial ability to leave and even when now, it is just the two of them. He lost out on having a relationship with any of his adult children or grandchildren because of his endless loyalty to a cruel woman.

I agree with OP. It is NOT healthy love. It's a toxic dynamic. I look at my father, a successful business man, a man who could have been sharing moments with his adult children, and I realize he has BIG problems.

Exactly that kind of vibe, when it starts feeling more like a sitcom power struggle than an equal partnership!

The way you've worded it is atrocious then. Because it sounds like 1) you are blaming the men in this situation and 2) your biggest concern is that their behaviour is unattractive to you

What a sexist way of thinking.

When you see a woman scared of their husband or tip toeing around him do you think that’s unattractive and frustrating?

You do know that abuse and control in relationships can come from any gender to any gender.

I’ve just seen it a few times, friends’ relationships, workplaces, family dynamics, that sort of thing. It’s not constant but when you do see it, it really stands out. It’s less about attractiveness in looks and more about the energy of the relationship, when someone seems like they’ve lost their spark or confidence around their partner, it changes how the dynamic feels.

It seems pretty clear you’re not talking about men who respect their partner though. That goes back to my earlier post where I asked why you think there’s a fine line between respect and walking on eggshells around someone. I’m genuinely curious to know what you mean by that, as to me, they’re very different things.

What is your point?

More the genuine kind, not the jokey “yes dear” stuff but when you can tell someone’s walking on eggshells to avoid upsetting their partner.