To hate when men act scared of their wives?

[WittyTaupeCrow]

I don’t mean respectful or considerate, those are great. I’m talking about men who tiptoe around their partners like they’re terrified of doing or saying the “wrong” thing. It doesn’t come across as healthy love, it feels like a weird dynamic where they’ve given up their autonomy and personality just to “keep the peace.”

AIBU to find that kind of dynamic frustrating (and a bit unattractive)? Or is it just another version of compromise?

I don't think I've ever thought of other people's relationships as "attractive" or "unattractive" per se. Yes, an unhealthy borderline-abusive dynamic looks unhealthy - that's fairly obvious. Not sure what your broader point is as that's hardly a groundbreaking observation.

They're not acting, they're in an emotionally abusive relationship.

This is an unhealthy, maybe even abusive situation and yes I do recognise it. But di you recognise that it is probably because the man is emotionally repressed or abused by his wife? He isn't putting it on. That's how he really feels. It's just that some people, especially men, can fail to realise that isn't healthy because it is their normal and physical violence isn't a feature.

So men who are being emotionally abused by their partners?
You are right that it is nothing to be admired or aspire whichever way the genders are

It might not be that the abuse occurred in their current relationship. What does happen is that someone who has had that type of dynamic with a parent ends up with a partner who reinforces this behaviour through disapproval and criticism.

I think it's the word 'act' that is the problem. OP doesn't really think men can be in abusive or controlling relationships.

That's a common belief, though. People can say that they recognise this, but when confronted with it, they assume the man is doing something wrong or ungrateful or childish or something.

It's because they ultimately subscribe to the belief that as few women can physically overpower men, a man can't really be compelled to do something he doesn't want to do. He can't really be scared of a woman.

This of course hurts women, because unless we were in danger of being physically hurt, it is harder for people to believe we were victims.

Also many people, like the OP, think that only physical abuse is abuse.

I think your discomfort arises from your internalising of sex based stereotypes.
Seeing a woman hold the power and a man trying to please her doesn't fit your subconscious view of the rightful order, so you notice it more than you would the countless women who tip toe round their male partners wishes and whims. This being so common it barely registers.
You find it 'unattractive' because you feel a man needs to hold power to be 'a real man', so the people pleasing man is lesser in your eyes.

I think some of us don't like to witness that dynamic in any relationship, regardless of the sex of the parties involved.

Indeed. But the OP appears to feel particularly uncomfortable when the man lacks power. Otherwise she'd have started a thread about hating when 'people...' rather than hating when 'men...'.

Yes probably because she thinks the men are attention seeking rather than genuinely oppressed within that relationship.

It's such bizarre wording isn't it? "Unattractive" as if the worst thing about this dynamic is that it makes the men involved less sexually appealing. Or the blather about an uncomfortable vibe as if the most significant thing about it is that it offends her aesthetic sensibilities, like clashing colours or a fart.

I get what you meani think. When men jokingly imply theyre married to a fish wife/ 'er indoors. Like theyve been forced to be married to the woman.

I find it unattractive as 9 times out of 10, the woman has been reduced to moaning as the man is utterly useless

I always tiptoed round my ex, afraid of doing or saying the wrong thing. The risk of her physically attacking me was basically zero, so I could have just ignored the constant criticism and the occasional bollockings. I don't know why I didn't.

Now that we're in the process of getting divorced, she shouts at me and insults me a lot more than she ever did when we were together, and I don't give a damn. That awful feeling in the pit of my stomach when she launches into one of her diatribes isn't there any more.

Maybe I've become attractive again now that I'm not scared of her.

Hopefully not too attractive though, or she might want me back.

Nobody’s “trying to misread things”; your posts are worded badly and it sounded like you were judging a man as “unattractive” for being frightened of his wife.

I had initially wondered whether you were trying to describe people-pleasing behaviours…but that doesn’t seem to fit with what you’ve said in later posts.

Is it your partner who’s started behaving like this?

Why don't you think that's abuse though? Do you think these men are losing their confidence and becoming yes men just for the fun of it? Or do you think there's likely to be a dynamic in that relationship that might be causing it?.

One of DPs friends almost never goes out on a night out because her husband gets really jealous and gives her the silent treatment for days. Presumably if I said the fact that she doesn't rock the boat was "unattractive", you'd have a right go at me, and rightly so.

So why is it funny when the sexes are reversed?

My partners ex was like this- an ugly, long-faced, bitter, haggard, outspoken, opinionated, loud, horsey-voiced middle class bitch with a clear ED. He is vv attractive, but had low self esteem. She hated me because I was prettier than her, quieter, curvy and she resented the fact that he preferred me despite her so-called background, education and confidence. In the end I beat her up badly (hilarious how MC people can't fight physically to save their lives!) when i found out how she'd treated him. Yes I got charged but it got dropped. No regrets.

Are you talking about a specific man who behaves like this?

This is the most tasteless, classless, internalised misogynistic thing I’ve ever read. And totally lacking in self awareness. ‘Tis quite the feat.

You don’t know what’s going on in a relationship behind closed doors and if this male is “appeasing” or avoiding conflict in public because things are much worse at home.

You have no idea who dears for their safety behind closed doors and you’ve jumped to a conclusion based on gender.

Wow this is not the flex you thought it was, you beat up your partners ex? What the fuck? And you’ve bigged yourself up that you are prettier, fatter, less educated and lower class than her? Make it make sense. You sound like absolute gutter scum and an abusive cunt to boot. What a down grade for your partner..

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