Does anyone else miss their first boyfriend?

[ReminiscingPineapple]

I split up with my first boyfriend about 8 years ago. We were together for 3 years. We were very up and down due to his MH issues. When things were good they were great and we had some great times together. But whrn they were bad they were awful.

I’ve since married a lovely man and have two gorgeous daughters. But whenever something reminds me of my ex I feel a pang of sadness that things didn’t work out. I would say I think about him most days. I would NEVER do anything about this and I’ve not seen him since we broke up.

anyone else reminisce about an ex a lot? Is this normal with a first relationship?

Well most of us on mumsnet… our first boyfriends were more than 8 years ago!

how old are you now?

So 5 years ago you or he ended it?

and then you met, married and had two babies with your next boyfriend? So you weren’t pining too long for him! 😆

Is it possibly part of the unresolved nature of "when things were good they were so good" compared to the bad times? I don't miss my first boyfriend in the slightest, because I can see now that we were fundamentally incompatible in so many ways and I never wonder what could have been. Do you think there's a chance that, without the MH problems or with better treatment etc, you'd still be with him?

No but I had my first boyfriend at 13 I didn't even like him that much but everyone had boyfriends so I wanted to fit in. If where talking about first love again no as he is now in prison so I feel I had a lucky escape there.

Sounds like you are bored.

Would you like it if your husband still thought longingly about his ex?

First boyfriend was age 21-24. Met DH at 25. And I’m now 32.

Nothing wrong with reminiscing about what could have been, it’s nice to think about the good times . I’m a lot older and sometimes think about exes and the relationships I had back then, I have questions that will never be answered, maybe my exes think the same about me (which I doubt), but I never had any long term relationships before I met my husband.

Yes I would say first love rather than first boyfriend then! First serious relationship.

Lol no. Meeting my husband evacuated every other person I've ever been with from my brain because he's just so much better suited to me than all of them were.

My first love is a fond memory and nothing more these days.

Not at all, he wasn't an evil or abusive person but he wasn't a good boyfriend either, and I never loved him. It was a learning experience and in a sense I was lucky that it happened when it did so I knew what to never accept again and lucky that it ended. I don't hate him he was just kind of spineless and crap.

We used to be on reasonable terms when I'd bump into him in town but since he shouted at me and tried to grab me in a bookshop we'd bumped into each other in when I refused to take his number or meet up with him. I had no interest and I was also engaged by then to my now DH. If I see him now I will avoid, even blank him if I have to,

So for 3 years you had a very up and down relationship with someone with acute mental health issues and sometimes it was very bad…. And you are reminiscing fondly about it??

my first boyfriend was 17 and we had two bliss free, responsibility free loved up relationship. No dramas and no hellish down points. Split when went to uni.

and I don’t reminisce!

What must life be like now that you’re panging for a relationship that ended 8 years ago, was up and down, and at points awful relationship??

In my very distant youth ( 17 ) . I met a lad whilst on holiday with our respective families , we hit it off and he was great fun to be around . Once home we were still keeping in touch ( before sm ) and we would stay weekends at each others houses ( separate rooms very chaste , dated for 6 months never had sex )
My only reservation , well two , was it was a long distance romance and he had red hair ( don't knock me , it was years ago and I was dumb ! )
A friend invited me out and I met another lad ( local and dark hair ) so I'm afraid I dated both ( that wasn't a thing back then ) for a short while before ditching Mr Red hair .
Went on to marry Mr Local and was married long term but not married now .
I've never forgotten Mr Red Hair and a few years ago did a bit of stalking and found out he's done quite well for himself .

No. I married DH when I was 31 and by then I knew he was the one and the previous ones had all been crocodiles. Still love him 30 years later.

I have fond memories of my very sweet early teens boyfriend - he was lovely and I'd love to catch up with him if the chance ever arose - but it was very innocent.

My first serious boyfriend was way older than me and not well-behaved at all. We are still in touch on FB, as I have some affection for how he helped me make the most of my life which I wouldn't have done without him pushing me, but he was very dodgy indeed. However, he is currently broken-hearted as his stunning and independently wealthy wife has just run off with another man. I feel a bit sorry for him but also...karma.

What’s your marriage like op? If you’re being honest?

No. It's was in the 1970s, we were both 16 but he was abusive and coercive although I didn't realise it at the time. He was intending to become a vicar but I don't know if he did.

Nope, I married mine!

Deep down are you a bit gutted, especially now he's doing well?

Nope he was a controlling arsehole although I don’t think the phrase coercive control was a thing then. I suppose I had a controlling and enmeshed mother so it was just more of the same. It’s been over 25 years and I still occasionally (very occasionally) think of him and feel physically sick at what may have happened if we’d not split up and also whose life has he ruined since.

Nope because he was a cheating, lazy piece of crap who took advantage of me (I was 18 and he was 26).

We genuinely got on like best friends and always had so much fun. He was a few years older than me and introduced me to lots of things, but we also experienced a lot of firsts together (holiday destinations, moving to a new city together etc).

But ultimately his awful MH led to us splitting. He would go through awful episodes (I’ve always suspected BPD) and treat me awfully (days of silent treatment etc). And during one of these episodes I packed my bags, left and ignored all of his pleading messages. And that was the end!

I suspect OP this has elements of limerance, which usually involves quite a lot of projection. In other words, when something is slightly out of whack or unfulfilled in their actual relationship, some people develop a tendency to try to satisfy or indulge this yearning in a kind of crush, often with someone they hardly know, which has less to do with the object of the crush and more to do with the person thinking about them. The distance in real life is actually important in feeding this. If someone is with you every day, and the relationship is real, it is very hard to mentally recast it as something else. However, an imaginary relationship is quite easy to script or project your own desires onto.

I realise this relationship HAS been real at one stage, but I suspect you are remembering the feeling of freshness and intensity which has, naturally enough, faded from you own current or real relationship. The important thing to remember is this your brain's way of telling what you would like to be different about your ACTUAL relationship, more than anything else. But thinking about someone remote is more satisfying because they don't come home grumpy or wiping mud on the carpet.

ETA In other words, its not the REALITY of him you yearn for, its an idea. It's easy to pick out and remember and breathe life into the good bits because he isn't there to shatter that.

It would be beyond weird for a 56 year old woman to miss the romantic attentions of a 15 year old boy. So, no. Not in any way.

We have a great and very privileged life. But I have never felt the all consuming love I felt with said ex. But he’s a good husband.

Again, if you’re reminiscing about this less than rosy first boyfriend experience, it indicates your current relationship is in the doldrums

Oh I do.

My first love was in sixth form and I loved that guy. But different unis meant different pathways. He took a gap year and then went off to do medicine while I hurtled through uni and a couple of jobs and then worked abroad when I was 25.

I still google him. He is married with four gorgeous sons and I wish him well. More than well. I wish him joy and love and happiness. I look back with fondness rather than regret at letting him go.