Bit the bullet and claimed CM - mighty fall out

[Cantbloodyrememberthenameonthread]

I’ve posted before about my ex kicking up a fuss over maintenance linked to other threads hence the name change.

I’ve finally bit the bullet today and filed for child maintenance. I’ve let him know. He’s royally kicked off.

background - he claims to have given me X amount up front for X years (it was from equity of our house sale which I was entitled to but didn’t do legally for a number of reasons). He backtracked the amount, reduced my equity, then when I protested said he’d “top it up” to the original figure but it was to be classed as a lump sum for maintenance. I explained at the time it didn’t make sense legally or morally but just let it be after an extremely stressful house sale.

this was earlier in the year, due to a number of reasons I’m now physically having to claim to support dc. I’ve let him know today after speaking to my solicitor and all hell has broke loose. Swearing at me, telling me I’m a joke, cheeky, grabby etc. he’s a high earner going through mortgage process for new house after we sold ours, says I’ve fucked it for him with regards to affordability. Apparently his family warned him I’d do this. It ended in him telling me to fuck off and putting the phone down. He then text saying how much am I expecting so I sent him the screenshot of the calculator. I also asked if he’d rather sort between each other or go through their route. He ignored this and replied “just wow” to the amount. Imo he can afford it. Say for arguments sake he earns circa 5k pm after tax. Maintenance works out about 500. Then he also has a decent amount deposit from the house sale equity to put towards new place (but that’s neither here nor there. DC back with me today just went to collect and he ignored me took dc inside while I gathered things from porch and shut the door on me without saying a word. As he’s ignored my text I’ve now filed online. When speaking earlier it sounds as though he’s thinking of contesting it or something. He said “well good luck because they’ll send me a letter first and I can’t afford it”

i have “cost him money” over the years with my own problems that he’s essentially bailed me out of when we were together. However to me this bears no relevance on maintenance for DC.

my old fashioned mum thinks because he has DC 2-3 nights a week it’s not fair on him to have to pay but she can see why I now need to claim (long history of having to second guess myself with dm)

AIBU to think I’m in the right here?

YANBU.

Fuck him and the horse he rode in on.

Let him stew. But also be prepared for shenanigans where he'll suddenly earn not a penny as a self employed whatever he does and be assessed as unable to pay.

Why are you enagaging with him? You didn’t need to tell him and as soon as he was being abusive you can hang up, block him or just stop replying.

You didn't need to tell him - CMS would just have contacted him. You don't need to defend your decision. He's just another deadbeat dad who doesn't want to pay for his children. They are 10 a penny. Step away.

No chance of that as he’s an employed professional and I’ve included his salary, work address, employer etc. the only thing I’ve not been clear on are his earnings as he gets an annual pay rise. Will they be able to look at this themselves?

he thinks because he spends money on dc when with him. Days out, buying pyjamas etc etc he’s fine. His words are always “how you manage to provide for dc on your time is nothing to do with me. Dc are looked after when with me and that’s all I’m obliged to do”

My mum was there at the solicitors appointment and then when I called him. She was all for it at the solicitors appointment and then backtracked saying she feels sorry for him after I’d give him the news.

But that would totally screw up any hope of him getting a mortgage too so hopefully not.

To be fair he is a good dad and does pull his weight with dc. It’s just in his mind, how I provide is nothing to do with him and as long as he does what they need on his end it’s fine

Do not engage with him. Just do it. He’s taken the piss for long enough. Fucking chancer. I hate men like him.

I have known employed professionals reduce their working hours, or go self-employed, to reduce their CMS bill. So be warned that he may try something like that, even if he is employed currently.

Thanks for the heads up. I really don’t think it would be possible for him to in his line of work. He’s generally very by the book when it comes to work. He’s worked there for the last 18 years and has never rocked the boat or changed anything. Plus with the mortgage he wouldn’t be able to.

You are 100% right that he owes maintenance for his children, but you must have really cost him a lot if you’re conscious of it enough to admit it. He is being a dick and clearly needs to get more control of his emotions, but it’s not completely unreasonable for him to be annoyed that he has lost money that could have benefited himself or his children for the sake of a relationship that failed.

But why did you ring him? There was no need and when he was abusive you could have hung up on him.

Is there a chance he’ll be pissed off enough about paying you that he’d go to court to get 50/50 residency instead?

He's not a good dad if he becomes abusive at the prospect of being made to pay 10% of his income for his children. Why are you sticking up for him?

It was give and take imo. He earned significantly more for most of our 13 year relationship. I do admit he’s helped me out financially, regardless of the amount, but to me we were in a relationship and he was happy to do so on that basis. He contributed financially and I more than pulled my weight outside of bills

My ex told our children that he couldn't afford to eat because of how much maintenance he was being forced to pay. I showed them the CMS calculations so they knew his weekly pay. They were disgusted by his lies.

I did worry about this. My solicitor said he couldn’t due to his work shift pattern and also because dc are settled with me. If he did this he’d have an enormous pay drop. If he can’t afford a few hundred pounds maintenance a month I’m sure he wouldn’t be willing to lose thousands

Is he a good dad for doing, what could be seen as, the bare minimum by his dc. Feeds & clothes them and provides them with some days out for the time he has them. Would you be considered a good mum for doing the exact same?

what about the essentials when they are not with him? Is he off the hook regarding their welfare at this point.

This.

Well unless he's got them 50/50 he's wrong about that. He just is. I would totally ignore any Comms related to money. If you reply at all just cut and paste, I'm leaving to CMS to sort out.

Unfortunately your ex needs to realise that house equity and child maintanance are 2 completely separate things, regardless of ‘how’ he paid you the equity over’ if my H owed me £50k equity it wouldn’t matter if he paid it £1k a month or all up front , child maintanance would still be due - the only thing I would throw into the mix was that you didn’t have this kind of arrangement where you didn’t get it all at once so you could claim benefits did you and only have xyz in your savings? Because if so , I think you are on a sticky wicket, anyone feeling vindictive, regardless of the rights or wrongs is the kind of person who may well report.

No it’s nothing to do with anything like that at all. I’m self employed

If he doesn't like it, tell him fine, you have the kids 50/50 or 70/30 in his favour and he can provide for them that way.
Guaranteed he won't.

Stop talking to your mother about this.
It is shameful that she would feel sympathy for a man who verbally abuses her daughter.
Get every penny you can.
Your children are entitled to this.
Stay strong.

Thank you. She’s taken his side a lot over the years. It feels she’s only offered me some sort of understanding now that I’ve told her he orally raped me a few years ago. Completely out of nowhere. Wed not been intimate for a long time, he got out the shower one day and sort of head locked me and finished in my mouth - something I didn’t like even when we were intimate! Even that it’s sort of “well it’s disgusting but” in a “there must be more to it” tone. She kind of only believed me when I spoke about him apologising about it. To her it must be as if it’s confirmation it did actually happen because he’s apologised.