Bit the bullet and claimed CM - mighty fall out

[Cantbloodyrememberthenameonthread]

I’ve posted before about my ex kicking up a fuss over maintenance linked to other threads hence the name change.

I’ve finally bit the bullet today and filed for child maintenance. I’ve let him know. He’s royally kicked off.

background - he claims to have given me X amount up front for X years (it was from equity of our house sale which I was entitled to but didn’t do legally for a number of reasons). He backtracked the amount, reduced my equity, then when I protested said he’d “top it up” to the original figure but it was to be classed as a lump sum for maintenance. I explained at the time it didn’t make sense legally or morally but just let it be after an extremely stressful house sale.

this was earlier in the year, due to a number of reasons I’m now physically having to claim to support dc. I’ve let him know today after speaking to my solicitor and all hell has broke loose. Swearing at me, telling me I’m a joke, cheeky, grabby etc. he’s a high earner going through mortgage process for new house after we sold ours, says I’ve fucked it for him with regards to affordability. Apparently his family warned him I’d do this. It ended in him telling me to fuck off and putting the phone down. He then text saying how much am I expecting so I sent him the screenshot of the calculator. I also asked if he’d rather sort between each other or go through their route. He ignored this and replied “just wow” to the amount. Imo he can afford it. Say for arguments sake he earns circa 5k pm after tax. Maintenance works out about 500. Then he also has a decent amount deposit from the house sale equity to put towards new place (but that’s neither here nor there. DC back with me today just went to collect and he ignored me took dc inside while I gathered things from porch and shut the door on me without saying a word. As he’s ignored my text I’ve now filed online. When speaking earlier it sounds as though he’s thinking of contesting it or something. He said “well good luck because they’ll send me a letter first and I can’t afford it”

i have “cost him money” over the years with my own problems that he’s essentially bailed me out of when we were together. However to me this bears no relevance on maintenance for DC.

my old fashioned mum thinks because he has DC 2-3 nights a week it’s not fair on him to have to pay but she can see why I now need to claim (long history of having to second guess myself with dm)

AIBU to think I’m in the right here?

You've informed him. Leave it to the cms block him until he cools down. CMS take overnight stays into consideration he needs to pay and that's that. Whatever he "helped" you prior to the situation now is irrelevant. The cheek of these men!

He raped you?? I'm so sorry OP. He sounds like a disgusting bastard and very lucky you didn't call the police!!!

Of course you're in the right. You need to stop caring whether he agrees with you or not. And the same with your mother. Don't discuss it any more, don't respond to messages, let CMS do their thing. You're not together any more; you don't need to worry about what he thinks or says. That's part of what breaking up means. Ignore his fussing; it's not important.

He sounds awful. Don’t engage with him about it and let CMS deal with it. He may think he can say he can’t afford it and that’s that, but that is not the case and it will be taken from pay if need be.

Sounds like he tried to screw you over with the house equity and trying to screw you over now paying nothing for his child. CMS will calc what is due. I wouldn't speak any more to him about it.

If they're spending nearly half the week with him, are you really likely to get as much as £500?

If he's previously had to "bail you out" a lot, I can see why his family aren't your biggest fan.

Regardless, you should have what you're due.

I think I commented on your previous post. My ex accused me of being greedy and vindictive when I had to go through CM to get support, because he didn’t feel it was his responsibility to financially contribute to his children (he didn’t parent either) Your ex can say whatever he wants to CM, they get access to his earnings and decide what he can pay. I wouldn’t speak to him any further on this, just let CM get on with making the arrangements. Keep your head high, you are not being unreasonable.

That’s terrible, I am so sorry.

So did he screw you over financially with your share of the equity in the marital home?

Are your divorce finances now settled.

I think this is called Fuck Around And Find Out. He fucked around. This is the consequence.

The CMS will be able to see his earnings, and will reassess every year, and will send you a written breakdown of how much etc.

Be aware that every night a week the children sleep at his house will reduce the amount of maintenance he will have to pay you, if they stay 50:50 between the two of you it’s unlikely you’ll get anything.

Good luck @Cantbloodyrememberthenameonthread

But none of this is relevant. The CMS calculation is based on his earnings and what proportion of that he should - as a minimum - be contributing to his children. Your earnings and financial situation aren't relevant to that. If he thinks they've calculated it incorrectly then he can take it up with them.

Let him have a tantrum, block him if he’s being abusive.

Neither of those are showstoppers at all unfortunately.

He could organise childcare for the time he is at work.

Do you have them 50/50?.Shared custody rather than joint custody.
If so the rules on CM are much more flexible. Do you share cost of holidays and school clothes etc?
If you pay the majoritu of DC care then he is certainly eligible.
He seems very aggressive and bullying.
If he wont discuss in a mature way,you are doing the right thing.

Children cost, so if he doesn't have them 50/50 he has to pay for a certain amount of time.
I get really fucking sick of people, these shit males family members and even other women like your mother feeling sad for fathers having to pay for the children they have or trying to help him get away with not paying.

It's pathological tbh, blows my mind this sympathy for an adult male that created a child and facing his responsibilities.

Feel sorry for him because he needs to PAY FOR HIS OWN CHILD? Please stop listen to your mum. In claiming CM you are looking out for the best interest OF YOUR CHILD. Well done!!

You were bringing up his children. Did you even get anything added to a pension? I hope your lawyer has informed you of claiming against his pension.

I’m so sorry you’ve had such a terrible experience - it sounds traumatic.

In terms of the CM - you are doing the right thing.

In terms of relationships, stop looking for approval from your mum. You need to stop sharing all this with her, she’s not on your team.

Step away from your ex. Leave him to it. Disengage.

Have you had therapy at all? It might help you unpick why you’re looking for approval from your mum/ex and doubting yourself so much.

Good luck 🌺 .

Bear in mind that he's likely to refuse to help with anything else financially bc he's paying you for the kids and you should be grateful. It's sickening. As for your mum, I have no words.

Find this post a bit garbled and odd to be honest. You say you did have an agreement at the beginning due to the house sale but it wasn't legal?

You will .need to tell the authorites and Solicitor everything now.

He sounda like a very emotionally and financially abusive man. And an arsenole.

Hope for rhe sake of your children you can get things sorted

Edited

Read the OPs updates, I have no words for what I think about your post.

Were you married op?

If so, did you sort the finances properly after you split up?

Otherwise, you were only entitled to whatever share of joint property you set ownership up as when you bought your house.

That said, yanbu to contact CMS, you should have done this from the start.

So he has the kids for 3 days pw.
I can see both sides

It does not matter what he thinks. The law is the law. It's not like you have come up with a figure.

Just ignore. He is trying to manipulate you into dropping the claim by giving you the silent treatment. Do not agree to sort it out between yourselves. he has already proven incapable of that. Just go through CMS