To think my husband, son and daughter shouldn't have 'staged an intervention'?

[SoniaSwanners]

Last night, my husband, adult son and adult daughter and I were all in our car and my son saw a small pizza box under one of the seats. I'd had a pizza the day before, while on my own - as a treat. My son said, 'Mum, you've got to start eating more healthily, we all want you to live as long as possible and it's not good for your health to eat junk food', and there then followed an hour and a half of husband, son and daughter all saying:

• I'm overweight
• I should be worried about becoming Type 2 diabetic
• I should be worried about my blood pressure
• I keep saying I need to lose weight and eat healthily and then I don't do it
• I keep saying I want to treat myself occasionally, but then treat myself whenever I feel like it.
• It's easy to eat healthily - you just make sensible choices; what's so hard about it?
• I shouldn't make excuses or deflect - I should just do it and sort myself out.
• they're only going on at me about it because they care about me.

Now, all of this is maybe true. I have massive willpower in every other area of my life, but not in relation to food. I have always eaten too much and not as healthily as I should have. However...

• I swim every single day if I can, for an hour, which is very good exercise.
• I eat healthily (cooked from scratch meals, very healthy) most of the time
• my 'vices' are: lack of portion control, tending to finish off leftovers, and too many takeaways/meals out.

I felt very attacked and berated and kind of assaulted from all sides when they spent 90 minutes hectoring me about it last night - and felt a bit scared when they said, 'It's easy - just make different choices', because it might be easy for others, but it's decidedly not easy for me, psychologically - which is why I've never done it properly before.

Am I being unreasonable, and are they just trying to help me/ensure I live for as long as possible? Or is there something off/wrong about suddenly laying into someone over their weight/eating habits?

we told the same to my mum, but 5 mins. Not 90! She’s got upset, thought we’re all wrong etc etc until one day it clocked. She was grossly overweight and being hospitalised with high blood pressure and other problems due to being overweight. Deny it all you want, but likelihood is you aren’t a healthy weight and they’re worried.

1. Throw your unhealthy food packaging away as soon as you've finished eating. 2) Put some fruit peelings and healthy food packaging under the seat. 3) Eat what you want. I agree with the pp who said that nobody loses weight from being nagged.

Yes it is bullying.

I think it all sounds a bit chaotic- secret eating / hiding the box in your car / eating alone etc try and be honest with yourself.

I will occasionally eat a maccies in my car if I’m between places and hungry. It’s normal to ‘grab crap good’ when on the move.
Sounds like your pizza wasn’t this, you’re at pains to explain it was a small pizza (pizza is not the devil) but it’s a whole meal extra - you ate on your own, in your car. I suspect it’s not an isolated incident.

I'm not one for you should be eating amazing health meals, 3 times a day, 7 days, but eating a takeaway pizza on your own in your car is wild.

I haven't voted as YANBU to feel under attack but your family aren't being unreasonable either as they are worried about you and it came from a place of love.

I have always struggled with my weight and I know how hard it is, it's not as straightforward as people make out.

Depending on how overweight you are you might want to consider weight loss medication. It has been a revelation for me, I have lost four stone since March, averaging half a stone a month so it has felt quite steady. It removes the food noise and really allows you to reassess your eating habits. For most people who struggle with their weight it's not just about the food you put in, it's also about the emotions and habits you attach to your eating.

It sounds like it came from a place of love, but must have felt bloody awful for everyone.

You can’t really dispute their points, they are all true. It’s a lot of worry for your loved ones, and it’s horrible to watch someone you love make choices that will put them in an early grave, after impacting their health significantly.

It probably took a lot of courage to confront you, and it must have been uncomfortable for everyone. I hope it ends up being a constructive conversation and the beginning of things getting better.

But you agree with them.

You can't exercise and eat healthy food and expect eating too much and too much junk not to have an impact.

How many healthy active overweight people do you know over say, 65 +?

It always strikes me that although we all know a smoker or drinker who seems to have defied the odds, is really unusual to see really over weight older people living a good life.

Thank about why they did and the impact on them, rather than on you.

I’m that daughter OP. In my case I’ve watched my mum struggle with eating for my whole life. She’s prone to binging and hiding the evidence, to extreme yo-yo dieting to the extent that’s she’s been hospitalised due to problems caused by these awful diets, and she is now diabetic. I can see as an adult that she’s struggling with addiction and honestly, I feel your family’s pain. It feels like watching an alcoholic reach for a drink or someone with lung cancer light up when I see her going for junk food/find the evidence of a binge. I find it so hard not to react and to respect her autonomy, but at the same time I want my mum to be around in the future. Maybe they could have found softer words or a way to communicate with you that would land better, but they are coming from a place of love even if your struggles are not as extreme as my mum’s struggles x

OP I really feel for you as I have been in a similar position for the last 30 years or so. I can confirm that they are likely to be doing this out of love and worry for you. Please take heed and don't leave it too late to do something about it
I would eat sharing bags of chocolate treats.....think Maltesers, giant Buttons etc, sometimes two in a row. It got to the point where it wasn't making me feel poorly or guilty.
I recognised where it was coming from, although the Trigger would obviously different for different people. Please think hard about what triggers your issues, maybe talk to your GP as I found admitting the issue was the trigger to changing my mindset and habits. You sound just like me in terms of other aspects of your life being in control but this being your outlet. I know some people disparage Slimming World but Ive found it helpful. Ive also changed my food choices a lot in order to lower my blood sugar, and it's really helped and fits with most major weight loss aims. Eg more protein, no refined carbs. Please try for your own sake. Good luck and get researching!

Sounds like they care about your health and you don’t care enough. Wake up call??

I agree with this

Yes. I'm a normal weight, exercise loads and eat OK, but not as well as I should. I like a treat, but the idea of eating a whole pizza alone in my car is madness. I'd worry about anyone I knew who was doing that too.

You need to say to them

“You made me fell humiliated and embarrassed by piling on at me for over an hour about my weight yesterday, and while it may have come from a place of concern, you clearly weren’t afraid to hurt my feelings, so I’m going to tell you all, just once, don’t do that again!

If you want to help me, I will need you to volunteer to start cooking for me and exercising portion control, while producing meals that fill me up and leave no leftovers, come with me on a regular bike ride or a run to help me exercise more, pay for me to start weight-loss medication Etc. but no more with the lecturing - unless you have a death wish!”

If they’re all saying the same thing - perhaps listen to them? It’s obviously coming from a place of love and concern, and you being defensive doesn’t help anyone, including you. Take what they’ve said on board and acknowledge the truth of what they say, even if it’s uncomfortable for you. When people tell the truth it’s not always pleasant to hear, but they love you enough to tell you.

I don’t think anyone here has been pious or saintly. I also don’t read anything patronising or unkind about what has been said. Sometimes hearing it is hard but is what is needed. If the family didn’t care, they just wouldn’t say anything.

I say this as someone who struggled for years with an ED (over 18 years) whose birth family never said a thing and just watched me spiral. It was on hearing some hard truths from people who loved me that started the process of me doing something about it. It felt like a huge and daunting thing at the time but small steps with appropriate support have seen me make a full recovery. It was a hard journey and it wasn’t always comfortable. We need to learn to tolerate emotional discomfort and hearing things we may not like (btw this is very different from abuse/bullying) if we know deep down that our best interests are at heart. We also need to learn that not everyone knows the best way to say or do things and so look to the intention despite a clumsy delivery.

I think there's a few things going on at once here, OP. It's not helpful for your family to say "It's easy, just do x", because it really isn't. But they're clearly concerned and can see that you're not entirely happy.

The people closest to us are often best placed to comment on these things because they see our contradictions and bad habits the most clearly. It's also entirely normal and understandable that your first response would be to feel defensive, particularly when they're telling you how easy it is!

I'd let the dust settle and try to have a more empathetic conversation with them about it. There's nothing wrong with telling them how the 'intervention' made you feel, but you also need to listen to their concerns and try to understand where they're coming from.

In other words - if you really love me, don’t tell me the truth that you’re concerned for my health. My feelings are more important. And I’m not going to take any responsibility for myself - if I’m going to lose weight, you can put the work in, making me meals and exercise with me….

Talk about offloading responsibility onto other people! No accountability at all. Unbelievable.

And to ask other people to pay for weight loss meds? You’re out of your mind.

Speaking as someone who used to swim for an hour a day while overweight: sorry, but you are kidding yourself about how healthy this makes you. Yes, it's better than doing no exercise. But it's not going to negate the health problems caused by being overweight. It's certainly not going to bring your weight and blood pressure into a healthy range (or even maintain them as they are) if you're "treating yourself" with takeaways.

Similarly, cooking from scratch is no guarantee that you are eating healthily, particularly if you struggle with portion control.

I'm really sorry, but it sounds as though you are kidding yourself about how healthy you are, given that your family are so concerned. I say this because I was also kidding myself, and for much the same reasons. Please look at the numbers (blood pressure, BMI, waist measurement compared with height), because the numbers don't lie.

I had a wake up call with blood pressure and an unusually straight-talking doctor who harangued me for about half an hour about my BMI and stroke risk, and told me I had to start eating more protein and cutting carbs and report back to her in 6 weeks. Yes, it was pretty rude in a way, but I will always be grateful to her, because it made me realise I had to make real tough changes and stop the "treat" mentality. It's not a treat if it's making you ill.

Everyone is different, and it may be that weight loss injections or hypnosis or psychological counselling (or some other approach) are the way forward for you. But it sounds like you need to start looking for the thing that works for you, and don't stop until you find it. I'm sorry to be so rude, but I was in your position and I didn't want to see it until it was nearly too late.

Sounds like they have been wanting to say something for a while, but the hidden pizza box triggered their barrage, which sounds like it was long over due and this issue had been worrying them for a while. Just get yourself a mounjaro prescription for a few months, it will help turn off the need to compulsively eat and see food as a treat/reward, and it will also help you get your portion sizes under control and help you see what a normal portion size should be.

As others have said it totally depends on what you eat, how often, your size etc- a friend of mine has a gym bunny family. She’s size 12 tops and eats fine, as in I’d find her food choices well rounded. If she gets a takeaway she gets absolutely shamed for it, talks on calorie content, how they cook them etc. if she eats crisps or has a glass of wine there’s more disgust. Given she cooks all of their food for them and eats with them I’m pretty indignant for her on the way they speak to her (I once got an ugh, you’re going there? That place is like cholesterol city! I don’t know how you eat the rubbish! when I called over to her and we were heading off for food). Their insinuation that it’s easy is what I’d find ridiculous and extremely unfair and irritating!!!

Its soo hard - they care. But hectoring don't help, you just feel badgered and defiant, even if you want to do better. For me the issue was emotional eating - masking the dissatisfaction. Exploring the root of why you want to treat yourself, why you deserve a little sonething - and why we're not happy with a square of choc, its the whole bar.

Might spending some time exploring your triggers help?

If its any consolation, I have lost 5 stone by knowing my triggers and trying to deal with them,meaning I was able to start walking daily, restricting calories. Still falling off the good path (I ate a pack of biscuits yesterday, the whole pack - so I'm not cured!). I caught sight of myself in a mirror at the weekend while shopping in M&S and did a double take. I didn't recognise myself! And I realised at that point I also liked who I was becoming on the journey.

An hour and a half seems a bit much. I think it's ok for them to say something but what you've written could be said in 10 minutes. I remember wanting my Mum to stop smoking and feeling worried about her. It's because they want to keep you in their lives for as long as possible.

It is quite serious when you are hiding pizza boxes in the car. I identify with you. I live alone and no doubt would also be hiding food packages if I lived with others, but it isn't a normal behaviour. From your description your family sound genuinely concerned about you. They love you. They don't mean to hurt you.

Your post is kind of a wake up call for me as well tbh. I need to take weight loss more seriously. It is very hard and I really don't want to use the "skinny jabs". It's not my thing.

But she feels like that - it’s all in the OP…

Everything that I put in quotes as suggestions, is what my lovely family has done for me: instead of hectoring, I got this fantastic support and I’m now 3 months and 2 stone down on my 7-stone weightloss goal now!

The only difference is that I didn’t have to ask them to do it…