To think my husband, son and daughter shouldn't have 'staged an intervention'?

[SoniaSwanners]

Last night, my husband, adult son and adult daughter and I were all in our car and my son saw a small pizza box under one of the seats. I'd had a pizza the day before, while on my own - as a treat. My son said, 'Mum, you've got to start eating more healthily, we all want you to live as long as possible and it's not good for your health to eat junk food', and there then followed an hour and a half of husband, son and daughter all saying:

• I'm overweight
• I should be worried about becoming Type 2 diabetic
• I should be worried about my blood pressure
• I keep saying I need to lose weight and eat healthily and then I don't do it
• I keep saying I want to treat myself occasionally, but then treat myself whenever I feel like it.
• It's easy to eat healthily - you just make sensible choices; what's so hard about it?
• I shouldn't make excuses or deflect - I should just do it and sort myself out.
• they're only going on at me about it because they care about me.

Now, all of this is maybe true. I have massive willpower in every other area of my life, but not in relation to food. I have always eaten too much and not as healthily as I should have. However...

• I swim every single day if I can, for an hour, which is very good exercise.
• I eat healthily (cooked from scratch meals, very healthy) most of the time
• my 'vices' are: lack of portion control, tending to finish off leftovers, and too many takeaways/meals out.

I felt very attacked and berated and kind of assaulted from all sides when they spent 90 minutes hectoring me about it last night - and felt a bit scared when they said, 'It's easy - just make different choices', because it might be easy for others, but it's decidedly not easy for me, psychologically - which is why I've never done it properly before.

Am I being unreasonable, and are they just trying to help me/ensure I live for as long as possible? Or is there something off/wrong about suddenly laying into someone over their weight/eating habits?

She’s not “definitely obese” at 13kg overweight. Depends completely on height.

DH and i are significantly overweight and want to lose weight. Like you, i am a lover of food and struggle with portion control. We’ve had the talk also. It comes from a place of love so we took it that way.

Get yourself on Wegovy or Mounjaro - you won't be eating pizzas in the car..

@SoniaSwanners I think what most people don't understand here is that, yes, while people should try to be a healthy weight, and should try to eat healthily, most of this advice tends to be unhelpful.

It's not as if saying to someone "just eat healthily" is actually going to cause them to eat healthily.

It would be more understandable if the family was proposing interventions or assistance with losing weight, but it doesn't sound like that was the case.

Yanbu as you stated it’s not easy. I guess if you want to do it maybe a group or support like Cambridge diet or weight watchers. But it’s like smoking it’s addictive and hard to give up, food is perhaps comforting to you.

I just did this. I'm tube fed (BMI of 15.9) due to a life limiting condition (no ED) and am very underweight. This says my BMI was and is 'normal.' This is not only bullshit, it's dangerous to someone with an ED..

Without knowing how tall or heavy OP is, you can’t conclude she is obese. If I was 2 stone overweight, I would still not meet the obese criteria and fall into the overweight category.

Hi, I’m going to tell you my truth and I hope it helps & doesn’t upset you.

My mom always struggled with her weight. Aged around 60 she got a back problem -stenosis. She’s around 5 feet and was probably 10 stone. The back issue stopped her walking much, but she kept eating & eating. ‘Just a little bit’ of loads of junk.

She probably was only two stone overweight for awhile so 12 or 13 stone. But in essence the excess weight put pressure on her back and she’s now Age 71 morbidly obese (must be 15 stone) immobile and bedbound. If she’d laid off the cakes and kept her weight at around nine stone, she would’ve been able to engage in physio and probably been suitable for surgery. Now she can’t do either and probably is going to die a decade before she should.

My family and I tried various times to convince her to eat more healthily and move more. In this country we are lucky enough to have plenty of wonderful healthy delicious food.

dont make the mistake my mum has.

Why did you eat in the car rather than at the restaurant/home/your work?
I suppose it makes sense if you were on a journey or extremely busy...

I don't think 2 stone is very overweight or a need for an 'intervention' considering you exercise and cook healthy meals from scratch. A small pizza doesn't sound something to get over excited about. They probably are concerned but a 90 minute lecture sounds over the top to me. Maybe if it's a rapid weight gain or you are struggling with breathing going up the stairs etc I would see why they are concerned otherwise it's fine for them to express their worries in a gentle way but not to guilt or shame you.

Well, I'm sure by a complete oversight, OP did not tell us how tall she is, or her actual weight 🤔

If you’re eating pizza alone in the car and hiding boxes under the seat, your family appear to recognise that you have a deep-rooted problem.

You need outside help to lose the weight, which must be substantial. No amount of them haranguing you will help, so if you can afford therapy to get to the heart of your food addiction, I’d start there if I were you.

Op wasn't asking for weight loss advice. I don’t think telling her she is obese is helpful especially when we don’t know that is the case. She knows she is 2 stone overweight which will have more significance the shorter she is. If she is average height or taller, she is unlikely to be obese.

Ahh OP I do feel for you, because it must have been really hard hearing all this from them.

I had a similar struggle with food and weight and lacked the motivation to really do anything about it. I was kidding myself my lifestyle was more or less healthy, but it wasn't. Yes, I was exercising, I was doing some good things for my health, but was having more "treats" than I would readily admit, secret/emotional eating, skipping exercise because I was stuck in a rut and bored doing the same stuff, kept saying I'd do something about it and putting it off. I did become prediabetic and borderline type 2 diabetic, so even a "not that bad compared to some" lifestyle can tip you over. It did give me the wake up call, but I made it a lot harder for myself by waiting until I had a health problem to tackle it. Incidentally, now I am outside even prediabetic range, I don't routinely overeat or crave high carb foods, so if you are having cravings for those things then it could already indicate heading towards insulin resistant territory.

I'm not sure if an "intervention" would have helped really. Change is hard and shame is rarely a good motivator. But it does sound like your family are coming from a good place, they love you and don't want you to get sick. And importantly, they are hearing you say you're not happy with the way things are, you keep saying you want to change and then you sabotage your efforts. If you weren't saying this to them and you were perfectly happy with your diet and weight, then it would be unreasonable of them to harangue you about it. But if you are not doing what you say you want to do, then it's reasonable that they might want to know what's standing in your way.

Nagging at the OP for an hour and a half would have got them told to fuck off from me. And being accused of ‘deflection’ when OP pointed out they’re not exactly as virtuous as they’d like to make out shows that THAT ‘hit a nerve’ with them.

Being talked at for that long about all the ways you’re failing to be healthy never made anyone lose 2 stone - in fact, it likely would have the exact opposite effect. It certainly never worked on me.

It’s interesting that people rarely feel so emboldened to lecture anorexics in the same way the OP had to suffer from her family.

This is what the OP asked:

Am I being unreasonable, and are they just trying to help me/ensure I live for as long as possible? Or is there something off/wrong about suddenly laying into someone over their weight/eating habits?

And without knowing the actual facts, we can't give accurate opinions, can we? But OP mysteriously missed those facts out.

If she's 5' 9" and (really) two stone overweight - not a big problem. If she's 5' 3" and (maybe a teensy bit more than?) two stone overweight - big problem.

It sounds like her family are exasperated and genuinely worried for her.

It’s interesting that people rarely feel so emboldened to lecture anorexics in the same way the OP had to suffer from her family.

You're kidding, right? Families tear their hair out over EDs. And try everything they can. Even if they don't always get it right.

I understand your irritation at them but I only hope my children are this invested in my health when they are adults.

I think a pizza in the car is quite extreme level of car snacking. If thats normal for you then I think they probably have a point.

It depends on your height. According to the NHS BMI chart, I've moved from 'obese' to 'overweight' and I still have 2 stones to shift. I'm 5ft 9.

That’s really hard OP. 90 mins is long when it’s something so personal and I can see why you’d feel attacked.

I do think it’s from a place of love. But it sounds like it all came out a bit wrong. Maybe they started and then it escalated, bouncing off each other.

you’ve already recognised that you have some difficulties with willpower so perhaps see if you can get some help from the GP?

have you told them how you feel?

do they eat healthy and exercise a lot? Maybe you could do some with them?

i think it’s more concerning that he got the kids involved too, bringing up food and weight around them can’t be great

i do have my fair share of indulgent treat days though so even if you do enjoy a snack or a cheeky pizza, i get you

personally i’d tell them to bog off but i’d still have a look at what i’m eating and my weight objectively, although i’d feel a bit crap with what i eat :D

cue the mumsnet ‘i only eat one chicken breast a week’ brigade who would never dare to feast on a single carb! enjoy your bloody pizza lol

OP's children are adults. And clearly are worried about their mum.

Not "definitely obese" I'd have to be 2stone 8lbs over the top weight of a healthy BMI to just tip in to obese.

Totally depends on OPs height.

@Ashersmom I just did this. I'm tube fed (BMI of 15.9) due to a life limiting condition (no ED) and am very underweight. This says my BMI was and is 'normal.' This is not only bullshit, it's dangerous to someone with an ED..

Sorry to hear about your condition and I hope you are doing OK.

BMI is only intended to be a guideline that's only applicable to most (not all) people. It is known however that BMI is not applicable to specific cases such as the elderly, professional athletes, or people with certain medical conditions (such as your case).

It think it's really horrible behaviour from your family and can imagine how hurt you must feel. I would explain clearly to each of them how hurt and bullied you felt by their behaviour over 90 minutes. How disrespected you felt and suggest they reflect on their actions.