Should we buy DD a car? (Very much a first world problem)

[CarolineCarr]

We bought DS a car for his 18th birthday.

DD will be turning 18 at the end of the month and we can't decide whether we buy her a car- or rather, one of DH and I feels we definitely should and the other feels we definitely shouldn't. I'm going to try to set out the viewpoints without saying who is who.

Against buying a car- it won't get driven very much. Her test isn't booked until a week after her birthday (DS had already passed his on his 18th). She isn't a very keen driver at the moment and needs more confidence.

For buying a car- we should do the same for both our children. Thinking about whether she passes before or after the birthday is irrelevant and thinking about the amount it will be driven immediately is too short term- she might have it for the next decade.

Not in the mix- cost. We are in agreement that we have the money to do it without any difficulty at all and that this is not a factor.

Please vote (assigned at random, not according to who thinks what)

YABU- buy the car
YANBU- don't buy the car

Lol... theft? Haha, only on mumsnet. In the real world, kids are expected to share and help one another out.

Ask her. If she wants one then get it after she passes, if she fails it could be ages before she can get another test and I guess she is already fine to practice in one of the other cars.
If she’s got an easy commute and leaves home next year she might rather have the cash.
Presumably ds A - owns his car B - has taxed and insured it C - needs it to get to work and will be pissed off to be back on the bus because little sis has gone out.
Lots of people can’t practically share cars for their work/school commutes which is the main reason people have a car at all. It’s not much of a present for dd if she cant actually use it.

Why would it sit on the drive doing nothing? Surely her parents could take her out in it to practise.

You need to do the same for both children.

If your mum told you, as an adult, to share with your sibling would you do it?

It’s different if someone buys a car specifically for the “children” to share - then everyone knows what the deal is. But you don’t give a gift to someone and retrospectively change the rules. And you don’t get to tell adults what to do with their own property.

In my part of the real world, it's considered pretty bad form to give someone a birthday present and then turn around a couple of years later and say they're expected to share it 🤷‍♀️.

Your reasons for not buying a car are to me reasons why you should. If she passes her test and then doesn't drive for a long time after as she doesn't have access to a car, then surely her confidence will decrease further. If she has her own car then she can go out more and gain more experience. Unless she already has a share of your car and you are willing to let her use it any time.

Not really sure why you wouldn't treat them both the same in this instance.

@CarolineCarr Why not give her a car voucher for when she NEEDS one?

My parents did this. I used their car when I was in 6th form, didn't need a car at uni at all, then they got me a car post uni when I got a job and needed one. I was really grateful.

Your kids are not just someone, but OK. All families are different.

When my eldest brother needed a transplant my mother just took it for granted that we (the siblings) would all get tested to see if we could donate. Tbh we all took it for granted too. It was pretty much an extension of our childhood which was hand-me-downs and shared everything (my sister married an exboyfriend of mine even lol). We were not raised in the UK tho

Does she want a car? That might be a good starting point. If she does then do it, but she might prefer the money.

Exactly. They're not just someone, they're your children, so you should treat them with respect and respect their belongings too. Especially when they're adults.

I couldn't imagine my parents thinking that they had a claim over my organs, if one of my siblings needed a transplant! An organ is not something to be taken for granted. That's mad.

Is she going to university? If so, she may not be able to take a car with her and it’ll be stuck in the driveway doing nothing.

How is she meant to get more confidence etc if she DOESN'T have a car to get more confident in?

Does she WANT a car? Have you discussed it?

What your kids' plans are should be a factor. I mean, if ds was working at 18 and a car is the only way to get there, whereas DD is going to uni and living somewhere with no student parking, it might not make sense for her to have a car yet - you could get her one after graduation.

If she is going to need one, "both kids get a car for the birthday after they pass their test" is treating them fairly.

We bought DS a car when he was 17 and told him it would be shared with DD when the time came. They share and that’s just the way it is

Do you run insure tax and service it? If you do it isn’t his car. When he pays he doesn’t have to share. That’s my view. If you’re not going to make them share then buy one

I wouldn't label you "mad" for feeling differently to how we all felt at the time his poor body started failing on him, but yes, you are very different from us.

I’d want to get tested to see if I could donate to a close relative as well, but it’s the expectation from parents that seems wrong. There comes a point when you shouldn’t expect to control or dictate to your children in that way.

You know- this has upset me. I'm hiding this thread.

I’d say don’t buy the car yet, unless your DD is clear that she wants it now (this isn’t obvious from your post). Put the money in a defined interest bearing bank account that she knows is set aside for her to buy a car when she wants one.
A lot of youngsters really don’t need a car when they’re this young, though it’s a very good idea to get them through the test at this stage. My DD passed before going to uni, definitely no need of a car while there. When she started work she bought mine off me and I got a new one - we planned ahead so she had a car we knew was good but which was insurable for a reasonable price. She went out driving with DH as a refresher including motorways as there had been a gap.

Ive not read every post on the thread but the idea of your DS is irrelevant, the car is his and you’ve got the funds for another.

Thanks everybody- I've found this thread really helpful. I have spoken to dd and she is having a think about it but she was less keen than I thought she would be (I was the one arguing for buying the car, if that wasn't clear).

On the subject of sharing, I have absolutely no doubt that DS would give DD a kidney and share the car too if asked, but that's not what we have done- we gave him the car outright, he is registered owner. I wouldn't dream of taking the gift back now. I can see good arguments for us having bought the car to share in the first place but we didn't do that and I don't have a time machine. If we don't get a car for DD she will be able to share mine.

I didn't label you mad for you how felt towards your brother. It's mad for parents to have expectations on what their children should do with their organs.

Sorry it's upset you though.

I don't understand with the rationale of treating ALL your kids EXACTLY the same. They aren't the same. They don't have the same interests, priorities, wishes, hopes etc.

The eldest's choices then dictate all the other kids choices. That's not even close to fair.

Even identical twins aren't the same.

You should have bought a family car - not for the first born but for all your kids to share. Poor decision making on your part.

You should have bought a family car - not for the first born but for all your kids to share. Poor decision making on your part

Yep, ‘twas very silly. We have a ‘pool’ of cars for use. DH and I get new cars every 4 years and instead of trading in, we just keep precious and the keys for them are kept on a key rack in the hall. So, they drive different cars depending on what’s there at the time, but no personal ownership as such. Saves the whole ‘this one is worth more than that one’ stuff.