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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you message the Other Woman?

74 replies

NameChange99xx · 04/11/2025 23:31

If you found out your husband was having an affair but turned nasty and vindictive refusing to tell you what happened (where and when etc.) for your clarity. Would you message the other woman to try and get her side of the story?

YABU - No I wouldn’t message her.
YANBU - Yes I would message her.

OP posts:
Blanketfull · 04/11/2025 23:33

What would you gain. She's no more likely to be truthful than he is, or if she's nasty and vindictive too, how would you know she's not exaggerating.

Why do you need to know? You never will.

JudgeBread · 04/11/2025 23:33

No. If I knew he'd had an affair I wouldn't need her side of the story. There's nothing she could tell me that would make me less likely to bury him under the patio divorce him. And I'd have nothing to say to her.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 04/11/2025 23:33

I didn’t and I regret not standing up for myself I wish I had given her shit or caused some mischief to make it harder for them to have their happy ever after. I did the classy move of bowing out quietly. Boring. !!

SuccinctlySaidSusan · 04/11/2025 23:34

Why do you need details? If he’s had/having an affair, end things.

steff13 · 04/11/2025 23:40

If my husband had an affair I would divorce him. The details would make me feel worse, so why would I want them?

If I decided not to divorce him and he was anything other than 100% contrite, then I would divorce him.

Yabayabadoo · 04/11/2025 23:41

if he has had an affair dont bother yourself with the details

Oneborneveryminute25 · 05/11/2025 00:18

If he's had an affair, you've found out and he is refusing to give details, he doesn't care one iota about your feelings.

Don't bother with the other woman. Don't bother engaging with him, just divorce him. He will only do it again at a later date. Speaking from experience here.

TheLivelyRose · 05/11/2025 00:20

No. You won't get the outcome you want from this. It doesn't matter about the details, you know, he's had an affair.You know, with who, and that's all you need to know. Detail will only make you feel worse.

There is a dignity in silence that no amount of words can convey.

Barnbrack · 05/11/2025 00:22

Nope. She can have him. And I love my husband dearly but if there was another woman then the man I love dearly doesn't exist and it's all a lie

Refreshing0 · 05/11/2025 00:52

If it was me i wouldn`t want to know as he would not have time to tell me due to being sent out the door end off and blocked.
Fuck about find out.
We will only talk via lawer about the divorce and id make that clean half everything get it over and done with so i can crack on building my life.
The other other woman can have him and keep him.

WhatIsTheCharge · 05/11/2025 00:56

No.
Theres nothing to be gained from the gory details.
If I know absolutely that he’s had the affair, then that’s enough for me. Find a good solicitor and file for divorce.

SoSoPredictable · 05/11/2025 01:05

I get this
ex-H has found the ‘love of his life’ and his ‘happiness’
There are times when I want to ring her up and scream - mainly because of the pain it’s causing our late teen kids
But here’s the thing, family, friends even the kids see me acting like the adult in the room. I’m sorting the finances, I’m moving on with dignity. Long term I’m coming out of this well, and he’s losing everyone else respect and to be honest especially losing his kids’ respect

SpiceGhoul · 05/11/2025 01:10

I have in the past, twice actually (same man, different women. Yes I was that dumb). I regret contacting them both to be honest. Both women lied, I guesse because of the story he had given them and also because he'd targeted quite lonely vulnerable women so they were under his spell (as was I hence the several chances!).

They both already knew about me and admitted as much but lied about circumstances, he never claimed to be single just the usual script of an unhappy relationship I was oblivious to. One of them made my life very unpleasant and made phone calls to my employer, sent deliveries to my house late at night etc for months, ever after I'd kicked him out.

Honestly if I could go back, I wish I had never even known who they were or any details. It didn't change anything. I felt strongly at the time I wanted the details and had to know but in reality the details made it worse, and I obsessed over them for a long time and became quite unwell with it all. Even now I still go over it in my head sometimes years down the line.

I only found out through snooping which I'm not proud of, but when you know you know. Although I suspect there were probably many more over the years I never found out about.

Don't do it, move on with dignity. You will only regret it.

Mylifehasimploded · 05/11/2025 01:42

I did, and she called the police as she felt ‘scared’. I got a call from the police and was asked to go to the station for a voluntary interview. I refused, and said I wanted to make a complaint about silent phone calls to my home. She reported my daughter also for calling her a shit mother while on the phone to her dad when she was 16. My daughter received a verbal warning from the police.

FullOfMomsense · 05/11/2025 01:55

No, it's not her fault? You can fuck anyone you want (within reason obviously), she doesn't owe you an explanation of her sex life!

winter8090 · 05/11/2025 06:05

The details are unlikely to make you feel better.
I hope you’re separating. Living with this will eat away at you and destroy what is left of your relationship.

PollyBell · 05/11/2025 06:09

Why? It would be over then and there is i wouldnt care what they were up to and my self respect means I would be immediately finished

GrandmasCat · 05/11/2025 06:14

The question is not why you would contact her but what for. Trying to get further evidence that your husband is a cheater when you already know that is pointless unless you are clutching at straws, trying to find excuses to help you deflect the blame so you can stay in a marriage with someone who doesn’t care enough about you?

Just leave, you don’t need further evidence. If you want to stay, book marriage counselling.

Rumpledandcrumpled · 05/11/2025 06:16

Why do you need to know detail. He had an affair, that’s the long and short of it, and there is no way for you to know if she’s being honest or lying. The likely hood is she will lie. She is not your friend. She is not on your side.

so do what you need to do with the info you have, he had an affair. If you’re trying to find a reason to stay, then just stay. If you wish to end it, then end it.

MsRena · 05/11/2025 06:17

No I wouldn’t. You know all you need to know about her, she’s having an affair with a married man. If she’s one of the women who thinks she’s doing nothing wrong because it’s not her marriage, you know enough about her intellect. You won’t get much sense from her. Focus on getting rid of the husband.

ChimpanzeeThatMonkeyNews · 05/11/2025 06:20

No good can come of it.

ParmaVioletTea · 05/11/2025 06:25

No do not message the nasty woman. She’s shown you who she is.

She’s not worth your mental energy, nor should you give her the satisfaction of knowing your feelings.

Remain aloof. Start to divorce your cheating husband. Let her deal with him. They deserve each other.

Sevenamcoffee · 05/11/2025 06:32

I think this is an entirely personal decision and it’s also difficult to answer with such scant information. Presumably there is an urge for clarity because you think it will help you in some way but there is a huge risk that it won’t, or that you will end up with more questions than answers.

noideabutstilltrying · 05/11/2025 06:33

I spoke face to face with my husbands affair partner. I only had suspicions at the time.

the woman was awful blaming me for the situation and for why my husband had assaulted me.

it won’t make you feel any better. It won’t give you closure.

get a good solicitor and follow their advice to get the divorce handled as quickly and easily as possible.

RhaenysRocks · 05/11/2025 06:47

I had a sit down chat with "my" ow. She was going to be in my very young kids lives apparently so I wanted to find out how she planned to convince me she gave a shit about them when she had participated actively in breaking up their family. She didn't...all I got was a lot of crap about soulmates and exes right to choose. Ultimately, as a pp upthread said she felt she was entitled to fuck who she liked. I can just never square that with the flip side which is "I am entitled to harm children".
Anyway, OP, I doubt the details will help and you will most likely feel worse after. Write a letter but don't send it. Monologue a brilliant, scathing conversation that you win. Over time, you will care less..a lot of it is to do with living well post split and feeling that ultimately she did you a favour. You'll get there.